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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no more DC - occasional verbal abuse from DH

182 replies

climbelon · 30/11/2024 13:43

DH and I have 1 DS, age 2. There have been around 10 instances of verbal abuse since DS was born. (Thank you to a poster on a thread a few days ago who linked to a free PDF of Why Does He Do That - I am less than halfway through and already it has been very enlightening.)

There is no physical violence and I do not feel afraid or like I am walking on eggshells.

DH agreed (my idea) would pursue counselling after the last instance. The conversation in which this was agreed felt like a step forward to change. He had various reasons not to pursue free avenues and was too overwhelmed with choice of private practitioners to choose.
I told my friend that he was going to try counselling (not about the abuse). He was upset I shared this and as a result said he will no longer go to counselling. I waited it out as he often says things he doesn't mean when he's angry. Nothing further was mentioned.

A few weeks later I came to the conclusion that we should not have another child while I don't know that this abuse won't continue and/or escalate over time. While I love the idea of DS having a sibling, and I have leaned on my own siblings for support and validation managing the relationship with our abusive DM, it does not feel fair to have another DC, on me or the potential DC, and I guess would make it harder to leave if it comes to this.

The evening of this realisation, DH could see something was wrong. I told him I was upset he wasn't pursuing counselling and that it doesn't feel he is taking how he has spoken to me seriously. He minimised it, saying it's not a big deal, it only happened 3 or 4 times when he was stressed at work. (It has been more like 10 and the first time was while he was on pat leave.)

I also said that I don't think it's a good idea to have another DC. He said he doesn't want one anyway and called me manipulative for saying I wouldn't have another DC unless he gets counselling (which is not what I said). He went to sleep in the spare room as he was 'stressed' and we haven't spoken about it since.

Outside of these incidents, DH is a wonderful husband and father and speaks to me respectfully, if critically at times. However I cannot overlook the 0.1% of the time he is verbally abusive, nor his minimisation or 'are you STILL upset' when I'm not over it.

AIBU to rule out more children?

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 27/05/2025 21:19

I just read everything and that knot in your stomach feeling was there the whole time because it was very much like reading my own story, the way you slowly saw the situation was far worse than you initially thought. And the post separation abuse being worse, sorry to hear that. I feel for you and so glad you were able to leave and are in a much happier place with your son.
How is contact going with ex and son?
Have you managed to sort the house (15months on i am still working on that)?

Original poster
climbelon · 27/05/2025 21:24

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/05/2025 21:12

Your last update, before tonight's, asked about child arrangements - how is that going ? as I recall you were at that time breast feeding.

I am so pleased to read that you are safe and well - well done !
you mention flying monkeys from both families - I hope your sister is still supportive ?

Thank you!

Child arrangements were in an awful state until recently, ex would pick DS up every night due to claims about the safety of my sisters house which I eventually gave into, thinking it wouldn't work. It meant I had to see my ex twice a day for handovers. It's like I've snapped out of something a month or two ago and gone why on earth have I let this go on for so long. And found myself some housing. Now 2x handovers a week.

He has been unwilling to consider child arrangements other than his proposal (50/50) and so this is what we're doing at the moment. My solicitor has written to his and we are hoping to avoid court. Mediation was useful however to add communication boundaries, he stopped the daily questioning about me leaving the marriage.

My sister continues to be fantastic, thankfully!

OP posts:
Original poster
climbelon · 27/05/2025 21:29

BookArt55 · 27/05/2025 21:19

I just read everything and that knot in your stomach feeling was there the whole time because it was very much like reading my own story, the way you slowly saw the situation was far worse than you initially thought. And the post separation abuse being worse, sorry to hear that. I feel for you and so glad you were able to leave and are in a much happier place with your son.
How is contact going with ex and son?
Have you managed to sort the house (15months on i am still working on that)?

Sorry to read you've gone through it/are going through it too.

We agreed an offer on the house today. This happened a few months ago and the offer was withdrawn, ex was in direct contact with the buyers and I found out a few weeks ago from the estate agent that the reason was not what my ex told me which makes me suspect he had a hand in it. So I just hope this doesn't happen again. I am happy in a rental in the meantime though so it wouldn't matter too much in the short term- I'm just watching the finances (not so) slowly drain away. Hope yours doesn't go on too much longer- I imagine you are just desperate to move on!

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 27/05/2025 21:31

No your husband isn't a wonderful husband or Dad.

He's verbally abusive, dismissive of your feelings/opinions and gaslights you. By staying with him you are teaching your son, that's it's acceptable for a man to treat his partner in this manner. You are also exposing your child to domestic abuse - abuse doesn't just equate to physical violence but emotionally, verbally and financially too. Having another child with this man is definitely not something you should do. You need to prioritise your son, and that means making sure he's not exposed to your husband's behaviour. Your husband has no intentions of having counselling, and now he can blame you for him not seeking it, all the better, as far as he's concerned. Counselling would mean he'd have to admit to another person, he's abusing you verbally, and treating you like crap. He'd have to accept responsibility for his behaviour and treatment of you, and be accountable. He won't do this.

Electricalb · 27/05/2025 22:04

You have been extraordinarily brave and wise.
Your child is so lucky to have you.
Keep careful notes of him causing the sale to fall through.
More attempts at financial abuse to drain your finances.
Keep on about fleeing domestic abuse, safety threats.
Thank god you are out.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 27/05/2025 22:22

Sassybooklover · 27/05/2025 21:31

No your husband isn't a wonderful husband or Dad.

He's verbally abusive, dismissive of your feelings/opinions and gaslights you. By staying with him you are teaching your son, that's it's acceptable for a man to treat his partner in this manner. You are also exposing your child to domestic abuse - abuse doesn't just equate to physical violence but emotionally, verbally and financially too. Having another child with this man is definitely not something you should do. You need to prioritise your son, and that means making sure he's not exposed to your husband's behaviour. Your husband has no intentions of having counselling, and now he can blame you for him not seeking it, all the better, as far as he's concerned. Counselling would mean he'd have to admit to another person, he's abusing you verbally, and treating you like crap. He'd have to accept responsibility for his behaviour and treatment of you, and be accountable. He won't do this.

She left months ago

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 27/05/2025 22:33

climbelon · 27/05/2025 20:36

In case anyone wants an update. I am now in my own place with my DS. I have done some courses and reading and can now see that things were even worse than I recognised. He was/is so controlling which I didn't see at all and has escalated hugely since I left and involved flying monkeys from both families. It was absolutely the right move to leave and I am so glad I did this while DS is relatively young and before I had any more DC.

I get upset about behaviours but much better at taking them in my stride the more I educate myself. I am so much happier and able to use my instincts to parent and funnily enough decision making is suddenly much easier without someone scrutinising my every move. I feel free.

Thank you to everyone that commented. You've all made such a difference- I don't think I would have started this process without you. Appreciate so much all the wisdom, clarity, support and encouragement.

This is WONDERFUL news OP! I am so pleased that you have got a new place where you can be happy with your little one for the time being. It must be a huge relief to be settling into a new 'normal'. Obviously it's still going to take a while to get to the point that the only thing you have to worry about, is seeing him at collection and drop off times, but you've done the hardest part, and I feel sure that everyone else who offered advice, and support, right from the beginning, is pleased to hear how things have worked out. Good luck to you and your little one, I wish you both a wonderful future!

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