to say no more DC - occasional verbal abuse from DH

[climbelon]

DH and I have 1 DS, age 2. There have been around 10 instances of verbal abuse since DS was born. (Thank you to a poster on a thread a few days ago who linked to a free PDF of Why Does He Do That - I am less than halfway through and already it has been very enlightening.)

There is no physical violence and I do not feel afraid or like I am walking on eggshells.

DH agreed (my idea) would pursue counselling after the last instance. The conversation in which this was agreed felt like a step forward to change. He had various reasons not to pursue free avenues and was too overwhelmed with choice of private practitioners to choose.
I told my friend that he was going to try counselling (not about the abuse). He was upset I shared this and as a result said he will no longer go to counselling. I waited it out as he often says things he doesn't mean when he's angry. Nothing further was mentioned.

A few weeks later I came to the conclusion that we should not have another child while I don't know that this abuse won't continue and/or escalate over time. While I love the idea of DS having a sibling, and I have leaned on my own siblings for support and validation managing the relationship with our abusive DM, it does not feel fair to have another DC, on me or the potential DC, and I guess would make it harder to leave if it comes to this.

The evening of this realisation, DH could see something was wrong. I told him I was upset he wasn't pursuing counselling and that it doesn't feel he is taking how he has spoken to me seriously. He minimised it, saying it's not a big deal, it only happened 3 or 4 times when he was stressed at work. (It has been more like 10 and the first time was while he was on pat leave.)

I also said that I don't think it's a good idea to have another DC. He said he doesn't want one anyway and called me manipulative for saying I wouldn't have another DC unless he gets counselling (which is not what I said). He went to sleep in the spare room as he was 'stressed' and we haven't spoken about it since.

Outside of these incidents, DH is a wonderful husband and father and speaks to me respectfully, if critically at times. However I cannot overlook the 0.1% of the time he is verbally abusive, nor his minimisation or 'are you STILL upset' when I'm not over it.

AIBU to rule out more children?

Yes. My reaction to this is to defend him, I have his excuses in my head. Need to tune into my own voice.

Family support is a little difficult as I am in the process of extricating myself from abusive mother (history of physical and emotional abuse) which complicates relationships with other family members and means I don't want to open up about them. DH is protective over what I share outside of our relationship as it's private. I am now realising why. Thinking about opening up to a certain colleague who I am sure will be supportive.

Luckily I have savings so could afford accommodation for a few months if I left quickly. However a significant percentage of my savings will be going into the mortgage early next year, which will leave me with about 5k in the bank. I know logically that I should not go ahead with a shared remortgage. But I cannot compute that I will act this quickly if that makes any sense. And I don't want to compromise the security of having a house when there is a housing crisis and I have seen people in this situation living in temporary accommodation for many many months.

This has turned into a bit of a ramble! It's the first time I have processed this outside of my own head. I used to write to reflect and after an argument fairly early on I shared this with DH who called it my 'crazy writing' and I haven't done it since. Need to start again!

MissChanandlerBongg , spot on.

@Olinguita highly recommend this if you haven't already read it

freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

If at all possible, hold off on the mortgage, let it go to a variable rate (even if it costs more in the short term) to not get tied into something you will regret. It could buy you some time to think things through. X

Thank you. Critical about lots of little things. Doing laundry too much. Putting machine on when he's in the house which is too noisy. Leaving crumbs on the worktop. Wearing stripy clothes. I shouldn't be excited about a hotel spa break because as we are visiting his family there will be no time to use the facilities. Adjusting furniture in DS' room. During an argument, being 'obsessed' with my hobby (go out 3x a week for it when I can before he gets ready for work).

Get out

Sorry to read that and well done for quick decision making! Luckily I already had had the coil fitted as we would have waited at least another year to start trying.
So hard when it's such a minority of the time - for me it means it is easy to doubt myself about my reactions and question whether he's right about me being too sensitive. I hope you find the resolution you need and would recommend the book linked above if you haven't already.

It sounds as though he would like you to be a smaller, more timid version of your self - no noise, no excitement, nothing that makes you happy.

I think you've been really smart and on the ball to put the handbrake on having any more children but like others I also think you should just get out of the relationship. In my experience, getting out earlier is better with men like this.

Hi. It came up this afternoon. And I have told DH that I want to break up. He said how are you so calm talking about this, you are not taking any responsibility for your manipulation of me, you want to break up because our relationship isn’t perfect because I swore at you a few times. Also that he has changed and I’m being manipulative saying I want to break up if… (you think it’s fine to talk to me like that)
he is sad. He asked to have DS tonight, said he may take him to his parent’s for a few days. I am still breastfeeding, he says I will have to stop. He is currently in the car working out what he is going to do.

I feel sad and am doubting myself. And unsure whether this is actually going to happen and if so how is it going to work. Should I have worked things out before announcing it.

I spoke to women’s aid earlier and have been signposted to solicitors etc.

You keep your child. Don’t move from that house either.

And get a friend around to support you this evening to stay. Can you do that?

Well done for speaking up for yourself but please don’t let him take your DS, your son needs to stay with you at the moment.

Don’t let him take DC - especially when you are still breastfeeding. He sounds like the type to not let you have him back!

OP, this is awful to read.

Your mothers abuse has desensitised you to just how abusive he is.

He is a very dangerous man.

Please call 101 and tell them he has threatened you with never seeing him or your child again.

That is a massive red flag.
Men harm children to punish women.

Please take this very seriously.
His tears and threats to self harm are more abuse.

Call 101 and tell them of his threats.
They are well used to it.
It is what abusive men do to control women.

Do NOT add money to the morgage.
Get legal advice.
Tell the morgage holder you are leaving an abusive relationship.

Stop thinking about him.
Think only of you and your baby.

Pay no attention to him telling you to stop breastfeeding.
Bullying abusive prick.

Afraid I have to agree, this is a man who has previously threatened suicide and also said he would leave and take your child and you would never see them again in the course of an argument. Whether genuine or manipulative, either is a safeguarding risk. Sitting in the car "deciding what to do" strikes me as strategic too tbh - presumably you're supposed to go out into the cold and beg him to come back inside, tell him you didn't mean it etc. Do you have anywhere you could go with DS for a few days?

He is not a wonderful husband and father at all

Do not let your child out of your sight !!!

you are breast feeding so the child does not under any circumstances go anywhere without you !!!

read and take the advice given above by some very wise posters i.e. @Electricalb

It is very clear that he's abusive and manipulative.

Start looking at options now

I'm sorry

Do not stop feeding

Do not let him take your DC away

ALL of the above

Do you have any friends who you can call for help/support?

You absolutely do not have to stop EBF. He is just threatening you and trying to manipulate you into staying in this shitshow of a relationship.

Given his threats to kill himself, I would be reluctant to let him have any unsupervised access to DC.

You need legal advice. You mentioned savings. He doesn’t have access to them does he?

So sorry to read your latest post.

Which thread was this ? Can you link it, please?

Thank you again, everyone.

He was in the car as we had this conversation driving and DS fell asleep.

He has asked to stay here a few days while he sorts things out. Possibly a test to see if I am serious.

I am sleeping in the spare room (next to DS for feeding). He brought me a note in the night saying how much he loves us both, wants to be in DS life and breaks his heart the idea of not seeing him daily. Said DS and I will keep the house to give him a comfortable upbringing. I have not given him the opportunity to show he has changed. I replied saying I really want a family life and could not have imagined us separating either. However I need verbal abuse acknowledging and not minimising. I need DS brought up in a healthy home and to be treated with respect when disagreeing and calling me out on mistakes.

Don't think either of us slept last night. I feel sick and knotted. Will keep you updated.

I don't feel that I can at the moment. Sounds silly but in case we do work out. After the note my first reaction was to go up and get back to normal. Had to tell myself to give myself time to make a decision, my feelings first not his.

Thinking about calling a helpline today or finding a drop in as need to talk to someone.