For not wanting our friend couple to bring baby over to our house?

[Samatha09]

Hello dear people, my good friend (lets call her Ava) had her first baby for 11 months ago. A sweet baby girl. Me and my partner used to invite ava and her partner over for dinner and game nights, movie nights and vica versa (before baby). Now we have mostly gone at their home, my and my partner prefer that. Also they have everything the baby needs at their home, changing table, dining chair, toys ect. We also don’t have a childproof home. Decorations at floor and that. Since i know they let baby crawl around to explore.

Don’t want baby to ruin our stuff like get spit up or for the baby to eat or choke on something. I kinda feel like they getting disapointed on us, but she also implies that it won’t be easy to play board games or watch a movie with baby around. So this may sound very asshole like but me and my partner don’t see the point of inviting them over if its all gonna be centred about the baby. Also i said to my friend that we don’t always need to have dinner at her home whenever we come over. We don’t expect dinner tbh.We also bring with us some snacks and sodas over.

Also i think its easier for them than having to bring tons of stuff over for the baby

Surely at 11m the baby goes to bed of an evening and then the time is baby free?

Think it depends on your friend. Is she sad not to be invited over as she would like to get out, with the baby? Or does she in fact prefer it at her house? I think you should have a conversation with her and say "Hey, we want to see you! We don't want to put you out by expecting you to cook for us coming to yours. But also we don't want baby to eat stuff off our floor because we're not very child proof. What's the best option for you- come to ours and be on baby focus all the time, or we come to you, and we can bring a home cooked dinner? Also, are you upset we havent been asking you over? I get the vibe we aren't doing the right thing for you. Tell me what you need at this stage of your life, because we haven't known what to do for the best."

That would be easy to bottom out.

The problem is, your post is all full of resentment- you want "your go" at having social occasions,the way you want them, at your house, without having to make any baby accommodations. The way you snidely say "they were very keen on everyone coming to theirs the first few months" as though you're all dancing to their tune. Which is such rubbish, as anyone who has a newborn knows.

Look - whether you choose to not have kids or can't have them, the fact remains if a person has no significant caring responsibilities beyond themselves, the amount of leisure time, and fun time, and discretionary time they have is infinitely more than someone who has kids. That's just the truth of it. And it's why child free people whinging about accommodating children always sounds so petty and selfish. You have simply no conception of how much free time you have in real terms. So why is sorting your house "For 2-3 hours" such a big fat deal?

I also think guests come, and they should be welcomed if you want them to come. I think you should be pleased to tidy up your house for your friend. Move a few bits, put some towels and a bin on the bathroom floor for a changing space, maybe push the boat our and buy a packet of wet wipes. You've probably got a bedroom or spare room the precious ornaments could go in.

Can you not see it as showing how you love your friend and want her to be welcome? If someone was staying over, you wouldn't huff and puff and roll your eyes at putting flowers and clean towels in the guest bedroom or changing the sheets to the nice matching ones. You'd do it, in a happy glow of feeling like a lovely host. Why can't you change your house to accommodate one baby, for one day?

🤣 My youngest says Challenge accepted.

Wtf is a "police mum"?

When we had a baby, people always came to ours. We could do bath and bedtime and enjoy childfree time in the evenings. It’s a real pain to go to someone else’s house with a baby, more because of all the stuff, naps, etc.

I think realistically the dynamics have changed. You’re no longer two childfree couples who can easily do dinner and game nights. Why not plan things for the day? Meet for a walk? Meet for coffee or lunch out? You and female friend can meet up while dad stays at home with baby or the guys meet up just them.

I agree with @Brainauchocolat why on earth havent you spoken to them about it and just asked them? If they're such great friends surely its worth a conversation rather than asking strangers?

It doesnt have to be a big deal unless you make it one. Your post comes across as really quite sneery

I’ve just had a baby so was the child free person with the non child friendly home for a long time. I didn’t love it but I cared about my friends and we easily got round it. Plus their baby would be asleep by 7 anyway!

You either accept it or lose the friendship.

Stand your ground OP. Babies change things. I know, I’ve had 2. I was always much happier hosting at home when I had small ones and it was during their waking hours (I hated being on edge about a baby damaging someone else’s house) However, I would be disappointed as a friend if you didn’t invite me over in the evening sometimes if I was able to get a babysitter. It’s nice to have a change of scenery and not always having to be the ones tidying up.

Suggest you end friendship really. Staying friends with people over the years requires a bit of give and take and, in this instance, that's clearly not something you're willing to do. You are framing it as concern for the baby's safety - because that seems more acceptable - but this is not really what comes over as your underlying motivation.

@Santasbigredbobblehat fr this. Its not an evening or day i would want to socialize around watching the baby or watching baby not being hurt. Easier at their home where its childproff and baby can crawl without problem

Can't you just supervise the baby between the 4 of you? Although clearly you don't regard them as close friends if you aren't happy to have their child visit you.

I have two teens, I didn't child proof my own home!
It seems like one of those things that people get their knickers in a twist about. I had ornaments etc that they could reach if they really wanted too but their toys were far more interesting to them. Just keep an eye on them and they will be fine.
On the other hand if you feel so uncomfortable hosting a baby it is probably for the best that you don't do it, it will be very obvious to your guests that you would rather their child not be there.

Why don't you take a pre-prepared meal with you ... Lasagne, fish pie, curry, hot pot and dessert? Just so you are contributing fairly.

I’m with you op. Used to worry all the time if friends brought babies over as my house wasn’t baby-proof, and I had no idea what they might find, put in their mouth, etc. Much better to be safe, and go to their house.

Could they occasionally get a babysitter and you all go out somewhere?

Nothing wrong with wanting child free time with your mates, but you’re not coming across very well.

@Purplecatshopaholic fr same. You can take some stuff away but its never 100% safe or childproof, and my plants are heavy so i don’t want to move them all away.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - it sounds practical for all parties to meet at theirs (and less disruptive to baby’s routine).

Have you tried saying to them when they ask about meeting up “How about partner and I come to yours and bring a takeaway - your choice. That way baby has everything they need to hand”.

I also wonder if they are worried about you staying too late and feel they are more in control of when the evening ends if they come to you (if baby is fractious or one or both is sleep-deprived). If this might be a factor, you could say that you know they might not be up for a late night so just to feel free to say when they’re ready for you to clear off

This. Why on earth would they even want to bring a crawling and exploring baby to a house that is not set up for them?

Of course if your post was along the lines of you wanted them to visit you then you would have been told you are unreasonable to demand (cos childfree people always demand on here not suggest or invite) that new parents be asked to adapt to you for a couple of hours and that you should always be prepared to go to them for the next 18 years.

But instead you're the asshole for wanting to see them and the kid in their own house.

Just goes to show that on here if you are childfree then you are always in the wrong

'It's also not precious to want to keep your home nice'

Agreed. You still want to see these people, and their baby, but not at your home. As you say, it's much more practical as everything they need is already there

If you were asking to have them over to yours, no doubt you would be told that's wrong too. Some parents just expect childfree friends to do what they're told and have everything on their own terms forever more 🙄

Be a friend and fnd out exactly why they don't want to entertain at theirs and how you can make it easier for them, help support them if they are struggling rather than thinking about yourself.

Ask them if they want to get a babysitter & come to yours next time. Job done.

You talk as though child free people have sneakily and unfairly stolen their free time from parents. We make our choices for a reason, and I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have children so they could be a more effective support human for parents.

@Apolloneuro well its not easy, some parents in this thread come out as very insulting and judgy. And i also dont want to write this on a baby hater reddit site lol since i dont hate babies but not good with them. But cant blame for people who write on a childfree page either.

If I was your friend in this scenario I'd prefer you to come to mine - then the baby can go to bed at the normal time, I wouldn't have to pack loads of baby crap....it's just easier! I could never relax when my kids were in someone else's house - in mine they can be as feral as they want

Id definitely order a takeaway rather than cook though.

I agree with you OP. I wouldnt want people bring their kids here. I dont want my house ransacked by toddlers which has happened. I dont want to have to watch a baby that i didnt have. I dont want to have to shut my dog away in his home.