For not wanting our friend couple to bring baby over to our house?

[Samatha09]

Hello dear people, my good friend (lets call her Ava) had her first baby for 11 months ago. A sweet baby girl. Me and my partner used to invite ava and her partner over for dinner and game nights, movie nights and vica versa (before baby). Now we have mostly gone at their home, my and my partner prefer that. Also they have everything the baby needs at their home, changing table, dining chair, toys ect. We also don’t have a childproof home. Decorations at floor and that. Since i know they let baby crawl around to explore.

Don’t want baby to ruin our stuff like get spit up or for the baby to eat or choke on something. I kinda feel like they getting disapointed on us, but she also implies that it won’t be easy to play board games or watch a movie with baby around. So this may sound very asshole like but me and my partner don’t see the point of inviting them over if its all gonna be centred about the baby. Also i said to my friend that we don’t always need to have dinner at her home whenever we come over. We don’t expect dinner tbh.We also bring with us some snacks and sodas over.

Also i think its easier for them than having to bring tons of stuff over for the baby

That’s ridiculous of your friends. Such entitled behaviour. I would be mortified if my kids broke anything at someone’s house. I would offer to pay or replace immediately. But I would be pretty embarrassed and apologetic. What’s wrong with some parents??

I do like cake too, so dry cake is terribly disappointing! 😉 I hear there is a soft play that sells alcohol so I shall have to drag a friend and small person along to check it out. For research purposes, of course.

On a more serious note, I don’t think having children automatically makes people inflexible. I think it’s a personality trait. I have friends with children who are super easy going and some who are wound up tightly but they were always like this. Oh and of course, friends without children who are also the same way.

I would never shun a friend and I’m sorry that happened to you. I have a couple of friends who I don’t see for months on end because their children are little and they work full time but when we do see each other, it’s great. Friendships are worth the wait and worth the effort. We spent more time together pre children and I am sure we will when life is less hectic.

@BigManLittleDignity I think you’re right, perhaps her inflexibility just wasn’t so obvious pre-kids, she was so much fun.

@BettyBardMacDonald The sage green velvet upholstery sounds gorgeous!

I should move the things off the floor and the bottom shelves "if they're that important".

They said that? Ugh. Some of these stories and some of the posters here make me embarrassed to be a parent.

We will agree to disagree on this one. It is possible to keep a close enough eye on a small child in a 2-3 hour window so they don't break anything.There were breakable things in our house too! DC didn't break anything of significance in toddler and preschool years.

Some children do break things or damage things, despite being adequately supervised. A watched child could still be sick on something or accidentally bump something.

presumably the mum's needs are being met 24/7 by the very existence of her child

bwahahaha

But that is effectively what she's saying and has signalled it to her friend loud and clear!

Then why do it?

Expecting others to ameliorate one's voluntary lifestyle choices is entitled and absurd.

@BettyBardMacDonald So to give a more minor example, if someone’s vegan or vegetarian, for example, you wouldn’t accommodate that voluntary lifestyle choice? You’d think that serving them a vegan or vegetarian meal would be absurd and they’d be entitled?

Or if they were Jewish or Muslim and could only eat kosher or halal food? You wouldn’t accommodate that.

@BruFord

I'd meet them at a cafe or restaurant that was equipped to accommodate their needs. I wouldn't reorganize my home.

@BettyBardMacDonald I completely agree that people shouldn’t need to rearrange their house for others, that would be ridiculous.

My point is just that in life, we often do.accommodate other people’s voluntary lifestyle choices to a certain extent and we don’t necessarily view them as absurd or entitled. Several posters have suggested compromises like going to the parents’ house every time but sometimes providing the meal.

That seems reasonable.

@bettybardmacdonald the original Betty MacDonald would have accommodated vegetarians and people bringing random kids and all sorts of hullabaloo. I guess when you have stuff like the Great Depression, surviving TB, and escaping from your emotionally cold chicken farmer husband, you get a perspective on life that's less about strictly holding people to account for their Voluntary Choices and more about meeting people where they are and helping meet their needs in the moment.

Another example - if a dear friend or relative got lung cancer due to their choice to smoke 80 a day, and needed certain food or to set up some medical equipment in your house, you'd say nopes, your choice to smoke so you bear all the consequences, forever? I don't think so.

Great post. So true, sadly.

My furnishings are too expensive and delicate to risk grubby hands, vomit, spilled milk and shit all over them.

Mine aren’t and I was still pissed off at having food rubbed into the rug and a kid with their shoes on (with buckles) on my leather sofa!

@Balloonhearts My youngest says Challenge accepted.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 This made me laugh out loud! Bless 🥰

I agree with people that say why should non parents not get upset over having their things ruined etc. It's not "precious" or whatever to have nice things if you're able to.
I've tried for years to have children. Have reached the end of the line and I can't. So yes I have nice things in my house. Why not? I can and I like it. (Disclaimer here though that what I consider "nice" I'm pretty sure others do not). But it's things that I like. And I want them out to look at.
Years ago I had a friend that insisted on coming up my house to meet as she lived with her parents so I couldn't easily go to hers. I felt guilty about saying no and she didn't have any money to really go out anywhere. She used to bring her child at least once a week. I started off moving stuff I didn't want broken but in a 1 bedroom flat there wasn't many places to put it. At one point she was coming over once a week for about 6 months I just packed pretty much all my living room away and put it in the loft because there was no point putting it back to pack away again a week later. I think the whole thing went on for about a year until she moved out to her own place and i barely heard from her after that. Looking back i think it's ridiculous I had to do that and I certainly wouldn't be doing that again.
She planned to have her child while living at her parents. Yet I was the one inconvenienced for a whole year of not really having my flat how I wanted it. I don't think that's actually reasonable but I was a bit of a pushover back then.
These days as a one off I'd try and move and really expensive/important things and host for a few hours only. But I certainly wouldn't be doing what I did years back. I like my things and I like my house how it is. I can't have a family so whether you agree or not my "things" are important to me and make me feel happy. So I don't want them ruined. And it's not being precious to think like that.

Yanbu. I have 3, and I won't visit peoples houses except family.

How much damage can a 11 month old do?
A lot! My 12 month old was literally full on walking at 9 months and could climb the stairs. He would and still does try to open cabinets, touch everything. I'm debating getting rid of my display cabinet. *
*
So yes I agree with you.
I don't think you need to baby proof your home, visits are better there. I wish my in-laws would get it!

Hear, hear.

'You talk as though child free people have sneakily and unfairly stolen their free time from parents. We make our choices for a reason, and I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have children so they could be a more effective support human for parents.'

Just LOVE this! Standing ovation 👏

They haven't stolen any free time. It's just kind of pathetic hearing them go on about things they can't do or don't have time for or which they would find exhausting or all too much. It's just nonsense.

Are you saying childfree people are pathetic for saying they don't have time to do something or that they would find something exhausting?

With the obvious caveats about ill health/ insane shift work like a junior doctor /lack of spoons due to other sensible reasons, yeah, kinda. A healthy person, without other challenges, who doesn't have to do anything except work and do stuff for themselves, has a lot more capacity and time than the equivalent parent. The OP struck me as one of the reasons for her not wanting the kids round was that it would involve her going to trouble. I just had a gut reaction of jeez, read the room. As a direct comparison to her friend she has more time and maybe stuff is tiring but can guarantee she wont be as exhausted as her friend. Doesn't matter whose choice it was to have more time or not. She just does. Its not the main thing about this thread but it does stand out.