For not wanting our friend couple to bring baby over to our house?

[Samatha09]

Hello dear people, my good friend (lets call her Ava) had her first baby for 11 months ago. A sweet baby girl. Me and my partner used to invite ava and her partner over for dinner and game nights, movie nights and vica versa (before baby). Now we have mostly gone at their home, my and my partner prefer that. Also they have everything the baby needs at their home, changing table, dining chair, toys ect. We also don’t have a childproof home. Decorations at floor and that. Since i know they let baby crawl around to explore.

Don’t want baby to ruin our stuff like get spit up or for the baby to eat or choke on something. I kinda feel like they getting disapointed on us, but she also implies that it won’t be easy to play board games or watch a movie with baby around. So this may sound very asshole like but me and my partner don’t see the point of inviting them over if its all gonna be centred about the baby. Also i said to my friend that we don’t always need to have dinner at her home whenever we come over. We don’t expect dinner tbh.We also bring with us some snacks and sodas over.

Also i think its easier for them than having to bring tons of stuff over for the baby

How many 11 months olds have you met?

My son was crawling at just under 6 months so was pretty speedy by 11 and would have been too curious to have slept at a strangers, let alone allowed us to contain him in a baby capsule (?) or pram. He also wanted to touch everything and put everything in his mouth at that age.

With the exception of grandparents, I wouldn't expect anyone to adapt their homes because I have decided to have children. To me that's incredibly entitled, and I can't compute the posters who've implied that you deserve to lose this friendship if you don't make adjustments to your house for their child. Surely the simpler and much less dramatic solution is to meet at theirs whilst the child is still young?!

Why not make dinner and take it over to their house. Something easy to reheat, or buy them takeaway. Tell them you appreciate how difficult it is. It's their baby, their choice to entertain you. But make them dinner even take the dirty dishes away. No clearing up for them. Shows you appreciate them.

KeenCat,My youngest DS walked at 9 months,he didn't do the walking round holding on to the furniture first, previous 2 where,14, and 12 months, I wasn't prepared! One day I was walking in the living room from the kitchen nextdoor,he had pushed a heavy chair across carpet,was climbing up to get out of a window, single glazed wooden,easy to open, which he had, and would have gone headfirst onto a concrete patio.

I have had children who are both teenagers now and feel the same as OP, I don’t like my nephew coming round. He is nearly two but does not understand stop or no and trashes everything. Breaks my plants for example. It causes me so much stress, I choose to spend time with him outside of my home. I’ve done the baby/toddler years so I get it. I don’t want to baby proof my home, I have put child proof locks on cleaning cupboards though but that is as far as I will go. She has asked me to put stairs gates on my doors and stairs to contain him but why should I? Tbf when she has been round she uses it as an excuse to not parent so it ends up with me doing the running round and saving him from hurting him self (so adds to my stress and contributes to me not wanting to host).
My sister and her three children (other 2 are 10 and 8) are coming for Christmas though but I’m secretly dreading it as my nephew is really hard work, but I will have suck it up for one day. I’m by no means an unmaternal person, but I work full time, I’ve done the baby years (fine also if you haven’t) and I can not be bothered put my house back together if they visit. I think it is fine OP if you don’t want to host a toddler. In a couple years it will be a non issue.

You are right.
An insular existence, that's what I'm striving for!
Everyone is different.

We had DC before a specific friend of ours did. She was similar to OP, precious about their expensive breakable ornaments so didn't want us over. It put me off the friendship tbh. She now has twin toddlers, her tune has changed. Get over yourself OP.

I don't blame you! Were you expected to supply the socket covers, corner bumpers etc.?

What’s all this baby proofing stuff about?

surely it’s:
supervised = everything safe
unsupervised = everything unsafe

i suppose it depends on baby, some are very destructive and parents can’t manage them, though i would say most are not

just a but of vacuuming needed but i would hope you would do that anyway if guests were coming

It's not precious to not want your things broken or damaged.

Nope, unfortunately not. Things can happen in a split second, even with attentive adults.

Like what? I’ve had loads of babies at mine, all good. Even with lego everywhere. You just keep a hawk eye on them, like you would normally. Even better, you can play with them

I'm so glad my friends are true friends because other than 1 couple they are mostly no children also and not once have we ever felt we couldn't take our now 3 toddlers. Yes they put there ornaments up high while we are there but other than that all is as it was before the little ones other than they now get in food little people eat aswell tho it's not expected..a true friend won't stop being a good friend once babies come along, they will mop the mess and move things they defo don't want accidentally broken and not make parents feel bad about it either. We are teaching ours to not touch tv etc which has gone ok. Went to a friend's for lunch last Tuesday and unfortunately one of our twins tipped her milk by accident onto the cream sofa.
My friend just laughed,whipped off the sofa covers and said she would drop them in drycleaner on her way to work next day. I feel sorry for your friends with a baby they will know you don't want them there

Did you mean this to sound patronising, because it does?
Do you think accidents don't ever happen in the presence attentive parents/adults who also play with their children?

You can do whatever you like, but you're a shit friend.

Sure.
🫣

I think so long as you don't explicitly say 'you're not welcome at our's now you have a baby' YANBU. We don't have kids and haven't really had relative's friend's babies/toddlers over to our house because we've found the parents preferred to meet somewhere family friendly or socialise at their house.

Agree.

We're attentive parents but in a split second my son put something in his mouth that caused him to choke. We ended up in A&E because we had no idea if what he swallowed was harmful.

I hope you are paying the dry cleaning bill.

This thread is really so alien to me.

I can't believe there are people who value their friendships on the extent to which their children are allowed to damage their friends homes (which is basically what some of you are saying), or least the extent to which your friends should accept it.

As for the poster whose child spilt milk over your friends cream sofa. I really hope you offered to pay the dry cleaning bill 🫣

OP, maybe because I'm a Spaniard, I don't really connect with your post.

Children are a part of society and friendships adapt to them. Yes, we know things are different from the time we were childless but that's the beauty of friendships, we include our children even knowing they are the centre of attention and change the dynamics.

The only way for parents with small children to have a social life is to be able to include them in the social fabric of friendships, and take them everywhere with them. I've seen parents pushing a stroller in a local pub in Madrid at 11pm to have a chat and play a game of darts with friends. No one bat an eyelid.

Friendships grow deeper when circumstances change and we accept the little ones are part of the friendship. Societies are better when we include parents and children in the way we relate to each other.

Everyone can become insular but it's making a more lonely and disconnected society for all of us.

OP is talking about her own home.

Your pub example, whilst true, isn't really relevant.

The pub was simply an anecdote. When I said including children in our friendships, I was talking about our homes, foremost.

LittleBearPad, AHH but they don't want to !

I still don't see the relevance.

OP has said she's still happy to socialise with her friends in their home, just not in hers. In no way is she preventing her friend from having a social life as your post suggests.