For not wanting our friend couple to bring baby over to our house?

[Samatha09]

Hello dear people, my good friend (lets call her Ava) had her first baby for 11 months ago. A sweet baby girl. Me and my partner used to invite ava and her partner over for dinner and game nights, movie nights and vica versa (before baby). Now we have mostly gone at their home, my and my partner prefer that. Also they have everything the baby needs at their home, changing table, dining chair, toys ect. We also don’t have a childproof home. Decorations at floor and that. Since i know they let baby crawl around to explore.

Don’t want baby to ruin our stuff like get spit up or for the baby to eat or choke on something. I kinda feel like they getting disapointed on us, but she also implies that it won’t be easy to play board games or watch a movie with baby around. So this may sound very asshole like but me and my partner don’t see the point of inviting them over if its all gonna be centred about the baby. Also i said to my friend that we don’t always need to have dinner at her home whenever we come over. We don’t expect dinner tbh.We also bring with us some snacks and sodas over.

Also i think its easier for them than having to bring tons of stuff over for the baby

@fitzwilliamdarcy My DH and I were talking about this recently. We have delicate items that have been packed away in moving boxes for years as we were afraid to put them out because of our children. Now they’re 19 and 16, we’re thinking that we can finally risk it!

I would never have taken them to a home full of delicate items when they were young, it’s too risky!

Absolutely! 19 and 16 seems pretty safe to me. 😉

@fitzwilliamdarcy I still don’t completely trust them though. Maybe I’ll wait until they’re over 30. 🤣

Your posts are making no sense at all.

The mum met her needs by having the offspring. It's not as though she's some noble martyr sacrificing her life for the greater good.

I don’t know if there are many child free / child less people who would ask their friend to sit and listen to them talk about a serious life problem while the baby screams with hunger and lies in a soiled nappy. We are not aliens and we can empathise with the emotions of parents struggling even if we don’t know exactly what it feels like. Parenting isn’t the same anyway. A couple who do equally parenting, who are financially stable, own a house with a garden, have good jobs and family support may not be experiencing early years in the same way as a low income, single parent who is renting a 6th floor flat and the lift keeps breaking down, no grandparents and no support network. I hate this idea that non parents cannot be on board with the fact that parenting is huge and life changing and that friendships will change. Many of us get it perfectly well. You don’t have to live through a huge life experience to remain friends. It takes work but friendships are worth it, to me.

You're but once you’ve had the baby, you absolutely have to put their needs first, because you’re primarily responsible for a helpless new human. You don’t have any choice unless you’re a shit parent.

"I think you've articulated that really well. It really is all one way traffic for some parents - they've had a baby and that's the Big Important Thing and nothing about the childfree friend's life really matters anymore. You're not allowed to have any needs or priorities of your own, and you're not even really supposed to be an equal friend anymore, just some kind of handmaiden who bows and scrapes and takes a huge amount of responsibility for their friend's comfort and wellbeing. No thanks"

In 61 years of living this has been my observation and experience. As you say, bo thanks.

Therefore as time wears on, our social circle is pretty much entirely childfree adults. And of my extended family, my sister and 5 of 7 cousins in my generation are childfree. We are very adult-centric and like it that way. In fact the first baby in our family in 30+ years was just born last March, to my cousin's son. His parents are far from PFB types though.

@BruFord , presumably the mum's needs are being met 24/7 by the very existence of her child.

Surely any decent friends could adapt to having a baby in the house for a few hours? Maybe they would like to leave their own house sometimes even if they have a baby.

I don't think its kind to just rule a friend out of coming to yours because they now have a baby.

All they need to bring is a change of clothes, nappies and whatever the baby eat/drinks.

They don't need a cot, highchair etc at your house. Just move things they can choke or hurt on out of the way. The parents will know what to watch out for and will be responsible for the baby.

If you want to continue the friendship then you also need to make an effort. They probably feel obliged to do a meal and maybe it's too much for them to always host you but they don't want to say.

I look forward to another thread in a couple of years about how your friends have had two babies in a row, and now you don't speak at all 😉

"Just move things" - and there you go, @Anywherebuthere. Just completely change the layout of your home, which you've created for your enjoyment as an adult.

No.

@BigManLittleDignity I wasn’t suggesting at all that childfree adults “ don’t get” the responsibility of parenting. I was just sharing how enormous that responsibility is.

It’s like getting a new, very intense job when you were previously in a more relaxed position. Your friends might be frustrated that you can no longer go out for happy hour and you have to work weekends, but that’s what the new job entails. I suppose they might drop you as you’re no longer so available, that’s their choice. But it doesn’t change your situation and responsibilities.

Don’t be daft @BettyBardMacDonald . Do you think that your parents’ needs were met 24/7 by having you?

'I hate this idea that non parents cannot be on board with the fact that parenting is huge and life changing and that friendships will change.'

Same here! As you say, we're not aliens. I think some people go into parenthood with NO CLUE what to expect, and they think that all childfree people are as clueless as they were

'The parents will know what to watch out for and will be responsible for the baby.'

Ha! Not in all cases. Either way, she doesn't want drool on her carpets etc so would prefer to meet up with them elsewhere

Exactly.

Move them to where? Most of us in small homes don't have extra storage rooms standing empty. My four-foot tall antique blown glass vase isn't something i can just toss into the garden, nor is my grandmother's 75-year-old settee and chair i just spent £2,000 having reupholstered in sage green velvet. Or the silk draperies I sewed myself. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

My furnishings are too expensive and delicate to risk grubby hands, vomit, spilled milk and shit all over them.

This.

What's wrong with just going over their house? That IS the compromise. The other couple need to accept that not everyone's house is modelled around young children, so they need to compromise too.

Small diversion to remark on how lovely your décor sounds, @BettyBardMacDonald!

I was thinking exactly the same! ☺️

Thank you! It's been many years in the making; nearly everything in this tiny cottage is second (or third or fourth) hand, hardly anything ever bought new.

The reupholstering was my major splurge but the settee and chair (both vaguely Victorian with the carved wood frames) have great sentimental value. All my now-departed relatives have sat upon them over the decades and they were the centerpiece of many gatherings.

@Jc2001 I agree, it makes the most sense.

As their meetups typically involve having dinner together, I think it would be polite if they bring dinner over sometimes, rather than expecting it to be provided for them every visit. Or at least offer this.

But that’s what I’m saying. Many people are able to empathise with situations they know nothing about. I’ve supported friends and been there for them through various situations and events that I’ve never experienced and maybe never will. I have a much more intense job than most of my friends and I am very grateful that they understand I may need to cancel an evening if I’m stuck working late doing court paperwork that’s due 9 am the next day. Likewise, if a child is unwell and they had to cancel, I’d wish the child better and hope it’s nothing serious.

I think a lot of people on here (both parents and non parents) are open about their selfishness and inability to flex for others which is why it’s so alien for them. I’ve spent a lot of time eating dry overpriced cake in soft play given I am unable to have my own children! I do it because I care about my friends and their children are an extension of them, so of course I care about them too. I show interest in Sue’s work project, Daisy’s 1 line in the school play, Claire’s new boyfriend because that’s what friends do.

I don’t think I’m pretty unusual. In my circles, we do a huge amount of give and take. Some people on here are so insular.

I’ve spent a lot of time eating dry overpriced cake in soft play given I am unable to have my own children! 🤣 That does sound grim!

@BigManLittleDignity You sound like a lovely friend and I do understand what you’re saying. One of my friends with children is incredibly inflexible and even another parent like me gets frustrated with her unwillingness to compromise. Some of her friends (also parents) have dropped her because of this.

On the other side of this, we have some old friends who shunned us when our children were younger (wouldn’t even meet up when we had babysitters) but seem interested again now our kids are older teens. I cba to revive the friendship tbh.

Real friendships are about understanding and compromise on both sides and if ppl don’t want to do this, the friendship will drift.

Goodness OP, you should not have to have kids over if you don’t want! My kids are at university now, but I would only take my babies over to somebody without same-age children, if they really wanted me to go there. I completely would understand that they might not want crawling babies or toddlers in their house. And it would be difficult for me to keep an eye on them and I would be worried about damage. Don’t feel pressured!

The only reason for inviting them over is that something might go wrong, and neither of you will want to repeat the experience.😏