To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

It’s only on MN that I’ve discovered how terrified some women are of driving: at night, on motorways, long distance, new places, any car but their own. I mean there are things I don’t like too but it seems to be a “permitted helplessness”. Most people (excepting health conditions) are able to learn to drive and it soon becomes familiar with practice.

1 hour is a long commute though for any driver.

I wonder what other backstory there is that you're not telling us. Are you a whine about "your" car, or the costs associated with it. Presumably she manages when you're out at work?

Take her to the interview in the basis that if she gets the job, you'll change the car to an automatic and she'll drive herself.

If your job is the reason you live in the arse end of beyond it's not altogether her fault, especially if she previously lived in a town, so don't nag.

The problem is when someone has a fear, it tends to grow and seem like a massive mountain to climb. No amount of tough love will get through it.

She has a fear of the roads in this country. The starting point should have always been lessons on English roads. Sometimes any person just needs a leg up over the first hurdle.

We both work for an estate as private staff. It's not uncommon for private staff to be provided accommodation as part of their pay.So we both currently live where we work.The place she wants to apply for also provides accommodation to their staff if they need it. So the arrangement would have to be that we both move to her new location,and I commute back to my current job.Or visa versa.

This is key information to read here.

@QuaintSquid do you think she will suggest you both move to her new job and you commute if she gets it?

I find it very difficult to believe that someone who won’t drive at all at the moment will get this new job and suggest staying in your current accommodation so you don’t have a commute, but herself offering to now get a car and drive an hour each way to work!

I've been in your wife's situation, and it was bit scary at first. But getting an automatic car made it not too difficult. I had few lessons, but if she knows already how to drive, she should be able to pick it up. The longer she leaves it, the harder it will become (in her mind). The independence that having a car gives, is something I wouldn't give up anymore! Could you hire a small automatic for few days and she could try driving with you in the car?

This.

absolutely amazingto die on.

The ‘backstory’ is the OP’s post at 8.45 which people seem to have missed.

But hang on @QuaintSquid - there's a rather bigger issue here, I feel. If she gets this job, then you've said you'll move too. But will you get a job there as well?!

She's scared to change which I do understand but equally it's very convenient that you're running around after her.

All the time you're enabling her to avoid being independent she won't have an incentive to challenge herself.

Could she have some lessons with an instructor to remind herself what it feels like to drive you put up with having a smaller car for a bit that she wouldn't feel intimidated to drive.

Like a lot of things - a bit of give and take could give her some confidence and give you back your freedom.

I think rather than berating her or responding angrily, see what can be done to allay her anxiety. A series of lessons? A car of her choosing? Go back to her home country and drive around for a bit to rebuild her confidence?

If she is a competent driver something is stopping her. I’d be surprised if she simply likes being chauffeured as my experience of that setup was that it led to resentment on both sides.

For the upcoming job interview, is the new setup actually what you both want? It sounds pretty miserable to have a couple both in tied housing but in locations an hour apart. If you do want to go through with the interview can you budget for taxis for that day to keep you out of the picture?

I can see this from her point of view- to a point.
We have moved from the UK to France- I have driven no problem in the uk, but found the change to driving here very scary at first. Roundabouts, road junctions, positioning our uk car on the wrong side of the road- arghhhh!

Plus you have the added problem of her now having to drive with the controls on the "wrong" side to what she learned with.

I would try to wriggle out of it- which was pretty easy as DH likes driving. But it's so restrictive/ which is where you both are now, I think.

If she is really nervous- then some driving lessons, with a good teacher, perhaps starting somewhere that does lessons off-road (the one I'm thinking of is on an old airfield) should help get her confidence back.

We've always lived rurally too- it's great but you really do need to drive!

I think YABU to give out ultimatums unless you share every other chore 50/50?

Presumably you weren’t living so remotely when you got married? I think you need to gently persuade her to take additional lessons to improve her confidence and buy her a secondhand small automatic car that’s just for her use. If it gets scratched then it’s not such a big deal. I can understand that she might feel more anxious about driving if the car is viewed as mainly your car.

We live rurally with the nearest town 8 miles away and my DH doesn’t drive. We’re both retired and I do all the driving for him and teen DS. DH has a licence but no confidence and is a poor driver as he’s too anxious when driving. His only sister was killed in a horrific car accident where she was impaled on metal and took a few days to slowly die in hospital. He was younger than his sister and saw the aftermath of the accident so gets stressed when I’m driving fast on motorways etc.

Now his sight has deteriorated a lot in one eye, I don’t think he should drive any more regardless.

He does lots of other useful things and pulls his weight in every other way so not driving is unfortunate but I accept that this is where we’re at. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's what I was wondering!

How did you decide together to live so rurally? Did neither of you think this might become a problem?
It doesn't sound like shes just being lazy. It cant be nice being so reliant, and it sounds like she would like to get out more and has even applied elsewhere.
Do you think maybe she needs a different tack regarding driving. Sounds like shes shutting down when you talk about it.

What happens if she gets the job? You drive her there and pick her back up every day?

I see driving as a life skill. I've always enjoyed my independence and driving has meant I can do what I want when I want. It sounds so infantile her waiting around for you to take her places.

I find it bizarre that she is proactive in getting a job interview but has jumped two stages - getting a car and refresher lessons before getting the job interview.

How would she get to the job? unless it's remote?

I would agree to take her to a potential interview as otherwise it piles stress on stress but make it clear that's it.

Presumably he will commute back to his current job by car.

Her getting a job where they move to live in the associated accommodation so she doesn’t have to commute, does solve the problem of her not driving anywhere at all.

Refresher driving lessons and buy her a car

You can’t turn down a free house just because someone won’t drive.

OP - she will need some driving lessons.
where is she from? Some places you can’t just swap your licence.

If you're serious about supporting her to drive, exchange your car for an automatic, not an estate or an SUV, a medium hatchback/people carrier and go out with her for the first few times she drives.

It is cruel make the job interview the point of ultimatum. Is it because you don't want her to take this particular job, or to leave the place you both work?

There are other options for her that I wonder if you would also object to. She could stay in the place the interview is held the night before, she could get a taxi.

Don't make this the point that you put your foot down, it is unfair.

It sounds like she has sacrificed independence and possibly family life to be with you, so I think you need to be more supportive in helping her to drive and building her confidence.

Telling her to drive is not supporting her to drive. Telling her to buy an automatic when you hold the means of buying an automatic (the current car) is not supporting her to drive.

Nope, not being unreasonable at all.
In fact, I would go so far as to say you’ve been unreasonable for enabling her to be lazy and dependant on you-but I don’t mean any offence by that-it’s not intended to sound harsh, it’s intended in a supportive way (if that makes sense)

I don’t think it’s simply down to your wife having no backbone, she sounds quite lazy as well to be honest. I have no time for this, so kudos to you for not getting so fed up that you simply leave her to it-this is what I would have done if it was my DH 🤣

This isn't ok. And this is coming from a non-driver. I don't rely on my husband at all to drive me places. I use public transport. I do plan on learning to drive but for now, I don't expect DH to drive me anywhere as it's my responsibility to get around.
It's not fair putting everything on you all the time.

He says clearly in the post the rural house comes with his job.

I have some sympathy with your wife as I hate driving here; it's completely different from NZ and it took me ages to get my licence over here. I also think a job interview (if she gets one) isn't the time to put your foot down about it, but also see others' point that it might be the push she needs!

However. You live rurally, and she's asking you to put yourself out a lot, so it's time to change.

A refresher course and a little automatic sound like excellent ways to address the situation.

And if she won't do that then I suggest you have bigger issues.

Good luck. Hope she sees sense.