To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

Where would the job be if she got it? She'd need to be able to get there.

Perhaps take her to tge interview on the basis that if she did get the job she gets her own car and drives herself to work each day.

She probably has lost her confidence regarding driving. She will need proper refresher lessons with an instructor to get back driving again after such a long gap.

I do understand your frustration. I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't drive.

A few questions though;

• She has an overseas licence. Did she drive when she lived overseas?
• Where were you living before you got your rural house? Was it more central so she was OK not driving before but you moved because of your job?

If she's always been a non driver and is now living rurally because of your job then that puts a different slant on things.

Was she happy with the decision to live rurally? Many people are just not comfortable driving. If they live near a bus stop it doesn't really matter

She sounds anxious about driving in a country she's never driven. I'd get her some lessons to give her the confidence then look at cars together and find a small one she's happy with.

If there was ever an emergency that would be an issue if she didn't drive given you're rural. I wouldn't make it a bone of contention but I would get to the bottom of why she's anxious and go from there.

When you asked her how she was planning on getting there, you didn’t just mean the interview did you? Because surely it’s how she’s planning to get to and from the actual job thats the issue.

Encourage her to get some refresher lessons and a small automatic car. If you need to share one car, you share the small automatic for now. Why would you choose to die on that hill? You can go back to a larger engine when she's more confident.
It's a bit odd to choose to live very rural with only one car/driver anyway. Whose choice was that?

YANBU - especially as she doesn't acknowledge the impact her refusal to drive has on you.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview

How would she get to the job itself if she were offered it, @QuaintSquid ? And home again?

Our house is provided as part of our pay

’our’ pay? Does she already work with you?

She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver

I’d start saying no. Refuse to be her guest Uber and don’t drive to the pub-say you don’t want to go or get a cab.

Talk about it and help her to arrange a few refresher lessons. She sounds scared. Driving in a different country is scary especially if you haven't driven for a while. When she feels more confident look at changing the car. Get a size she is comfortable with.

I’d book a driving lesson before the interview and agree with her that IF she shows commitment by actually taking the lesson with a promise to continue with a view to starting to drive herself, then I’d take her to the interview.

I hate driving, a consequence of some disabilities I have. Does she have something similar? I am not in a relationship now but when I was my spouse drove always. I hated the setup but it was better than me driving. Now that I’m single I put the money I would have spent on running a car towards taxis and deal with it that way, I don’t like it but again it’s better than me being behind a wheel. Would your relationship be able to handle her having a generous taxi budget?

You wrote “our” about the housing but whose job is it tied to - yours, hers, or both? To have housing tied to both of your jobs is unusual but not unheard of; if it’s tied to your job and she’s anxious about driving she might feel quite trapped living rurally which is why I am asking.

What happens when you say "no" to driving her to various places?

I'm wondering if there are red flags there?

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to drive? If she's genuinely scared she might be a shit driver snd not v safe on the roads.

Honestly, I'd move and live in a city.

Don’t do this on the day of the interview ! Not kind and she will be too anxious to do well in the interview.

You are not being unreasonable to expect her to pull her finger out here though! She needs to woman up !

She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise

I assume she's never driven in the UK.
She has major confidence issues.
Drive her to the interview.

Get her a small cheap automatic car.
Book her some lessons she can take in her car.

Driving on what she sees as the wrong side of the road is scary. All her subconscious reactions to avoid hazards may well be to the right instead of the left.... be understanding and compassionate but firm.

Yes, regardless of what happens with this particular job it doesn't sound sustainable.

Exactly what I was thinking!

If you can't get to the interview unless someone else takes you, then it's likely you won't reliably get to work.

I’ve voted YABU because I agree with the actual option you’ve given for YABU in the poll, but overall YANBU for your frustration with her not driving.

To be fair, it sounds like there have been a few potential workarounds that you too have put blockers up to OP. She can only drive an automatic which isn't unusual, you discussed trading in but wanted a car bigger than she was comfortable with. She looked at smaller ones, but that isn't enough because longer trips you feel would fall to you (people do do longer trips on small cars, and few people do.long enough trips in this country as to need to change drivers).

You live rurally, is her job linked to it too?

I would say I would drive her to the interview, but point out that driving her to and from work and hour away when you work as well is unfeasible. So if she were to get the job, that would be a massive incentive. But she would need her own car then, and could get a small automatic that she is comfortable in.

I really empathise. The amount of military wives I knew who couldn't drive whilst being posted to the arse ends of nowhere was astounding.

An interview id say is not the time to put your foot down, but the obvious question is how will she get to work? I assume you work?

I had the same question!

@QuaintSquid is there a reason why she won't drive? I understand that driving in a foreign country might be off-putting, but frankly that's easily overcome (and a circumstance where lessons will definitely help). But if something has happened to her, driving, which has resulted in this fear, then that's a different issue.

I think non drivers genuinely have no idea always driving is. They think it’s like being a passenger just sitting passively. I love driving and prefer to drive but it’s also lovely when someone says I’ll drive!
maybe a bit like being responsible for cooking evening dinner all the time. Yes you might enjoy cooking but it’s the thinking , prep, tidying up that is tiresome. Same with driving I think. Plus it’s expensive running a car too which non drivers do not really think about ime.

If you can afford to, get her a little Fiat 500 or similar. A Christmas present to both of you.