To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

It was difficult to give full context initially without it being reams long.

We both work for an estate as private staff. It's not uncommon for private staff to be provided accommodation as part of their pay. So we both currently live where we work.

The place she wants to apply for also provides accommodation to their staff if they need it. So the arrangement would have to be that we both move to her new location, and I commute back to my current job. Or visa versa.

We used to live in a town near a station, and I'd drive us both to work. So similar set up but at least she could run her own errands etc so it didn't bother me so much.

And yes, she's happy to drive in Europe and at home but for some reason not here.

Hard agree; I had a terrible time learning to drive, but I absolutely kept at it and paid a fortune. One of the reasons was because I wasn't going to have my DH doing all the driving, that's ludicrous and totally unfair.

Op has clarified they both work in the same rural job.

(and for reference he was very supportive and persuaded me to give up manual lessons and go automatic). He has helped me along the way to adjust my thinking about my anxieties around driving too.

So why not just get the little automatic that she's comfortable with? Insisting on a 1.8l is a silly barrier to put up in the short term.

Very similar situation I was offered a job in the countryside we decided to take it with the house as preferred that life for our kids. My hubby did not drive so we talked and the deadline was 6months for him to learn. 4 months later he had passed and now has happily driven for the last 4 years and wonders why he never did it. If he hadn't learnt he would have been stuck as I'm not a taxi. A good relationship meets half way and mostly everything so the burden isn't on one person. I wouldn't be taking her to an interview, what's the point if she wouldn't drive and neither would I feel bad as it goes from being nice to being used by your partner. Hope you get sorted but I totally get it even tho I don't drink haha but knowing how much other half likes a beer I can see why it's annoying not just to be able to totally chill now and then

I’d say drive her to the interview but not to the job.

I am a driving instructor and would be more than happy to do refresher lessons or help someone go from auto to manual.

Fear of driving is massive. So many people suffer from it. It’s often things that can be helped practically (for instance I have a friend who can’t navigate, a signs and markings lesson would sort her out when she plucks up the courage).

And don’t get me onto the Micra/Mini thing, it’s far safer to be driving a bigger, stronger car if you want to be safe. Look at crash tests with something like a Fiat 500, it’s horrifying. A 1.8 is not going to run away with you. My learner car is a sportier 1.5 because I don’t want people to be obsessed by the small car/small engine is only ok thing. Again, it’s all about confidence, and I suspect there’s a very old fashioned subconscious belief out there that women can’t drive powerful cars. It’s nonsense and self limiting.

ETA: Okay, I crossed posted with the latest update so most of my post isn’t relevant anymore 😆

TLDR is that I now think that she does need to look into getting some driving lessons and building up her confidence asap. I get that she may have some anxiety around UK roads but She isn’t being very considerate of you. She should at least try. If she really wants this job and to attend the interview she should start looking into driving.

So the arrangement would have to be that we both move to her new location, and I commute back to my current job. Or visa versa.

So, say she gets the job and you both move to her new location, she still wouldn’t need to drive, as she’s living on site for work, but youd be moving miles away and you’d have a two hour drive to work/back each day?!

That would be far more of a problem to me than dropping her off for an isolated interview!

I think you are completely justified in feeling annoyed as she isn’t considering the impact on you and is neglecting your needs in favour of hers. I do think you will lose some weight to your argument if you make this the sticking point as it’s such a significant issue for her- the interview and she will be feeling anxious so you will seem particularly harsh. Could you make it the final favour you will do her?

I would drive her to the interview but if she wants the job she has to drive herself there. Maybe that would give her the incentive she really needs.

Could she have some refresher lessons even if you have to drive her to meet a teacher who has an automatic car?

I would be pissed off too about the situation and it does need to be resolved

Edited as missed the update.

Just need to take a driving refresher course. Practice driving around the small quiet roads everyday to build her confidence.

It sounds hard for both of you. I can't imagine an hour round drive to a post office - that is extremely rural. Are you both happy there otherwise? Definitely get an automatic and find a model you are both happy to drive. I think go down this route regardless of the job situation because it won't change and the resentment will build.

I don't think now is the time to put your foot down if she wants to go for the interview, but she must agree to have refresher lessons and drive the new car.

I am a driver but it took me years of on/off lessons before I passed in my late 20s. I'm 48 now and still don't enjoy long journeys, motorways or driving to difficult places especially at night/poor weather .. all sorts of situations I feel a bit anxious about but just prepare myself, tell myself to stay calm and get on with it. I don't really 'like' driving v much but I just see it as part of life that you have to get on with, like cleaning. DH drives but I do my fair share, because it makes our lives easier, especially having kids who want taking to places. I can help my elderly parents. I could drive DH to his mother's funeral. It is endlessly useful. Obviously not everyone needs to drive and I have a few friends who choose not to or cannot - this is just my situation.

Why has she not had a few lessons to become confident? Seems a no brainer.

Could you make it the final favour you will do her?

I would be very wary of doing a ‘final favour’ which might lead to her getting a job which means they have to move to this new site, so she has no commute to work, leaving the OP having to now travel an hour there and back to his job. She will have no incentive to drive at all then.

I'm usually very sympathetic of people afraid to drive who live rurally through another persons decision. And I'm someone who's driven in the uk and when I lived abroad and drive all over the country as my ds is an athlete.

But she can drive. She has a license. This sounds more like she's creating barriers rather than giving it a go.

And no, I wouldn't drove her to an interview that's a 2 hour round trip because if she got it you could be stuck with 4 hours commuting a day.

I don’t drive due to epilepsy and I still think YANBU.

I hate relying on others so have created a life where I'm as independent as possible. I can do all the shopping, get to hospital, get to the doctors, get to work, go to school - both primary and secondary, and I can take DC to the beach / activities / city day trips all by myself.

I couldn’t rely on my DH all the time. I do everything in my power to ensure I’m not a pain in the ass

Lots of pp have sensibly pointed out that dw needs refresher driving lessons, and a smallish automatic car.

Fwiw I learnt to drive abroad in my home country, and did both those things (refresher driving, smallish automatic car) when I had to start driving in this country to get to my work.

However.

Why must op arrange the lessons for her? Why must op go and buy the automatic car for her?
Is this woman a child?

I'd have no respect whatever for such a helpless spouse.

If I were in this position, by all means I might "help" my dh choose a new car, ie take an interest in the available options, but not do the admin bits. And no way would I be booking driving lessons for another adult.

She sounds selfish and so entitled. Put your foot down. She’s manipulating you, and totally disrespectful.

You could be kinder to her, I imagine she's terrified of driving after so long not driving and living in a foreign country to where she learned.

I would tell her you will be happy to drive her to any interview on the condition she takes some refresher lessons in an automatic car before she applies for any job. It's daft to apply when she will have no means of getting to the job if she's offered it.
And then book and pay for the lessons, and get hunting for a small automatic, she may as well have her own car and never inconvenience you again.

would drive her to the interview but if she wants the job she has to drive herself there.

People need to read the OP’s updates. The couple currently live in accommodation on an estate where they both work. The wife wants to apply to a different job which would bring accommodation. The OP has said it’s likely, they’d either stay where they are or both move to the new accommodation an hour away. It seems unlikely the wife would do two hours driving each day to the new job as she hasn’t driven at all and doesn’t have a car, so is probably thinking they’d move so she has no commute/no need to drive and the OP could drive an hour to work each day instead.

That’s the real issue here, I’d say-not the lift to the interview! @QuaintSquid ?