To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

It's not fair to make the interview in effect the first time she does a substantial drive. She'll arrive stressed. If she gets the job, she'll have the perfect incentive to drive.

I was like your wife in a way - I didn't drive for around three years after I passed, although in my case it was partly because I could get around a lot by public transport. Then I got a job that I really had to drive to, bought a small car, and have driven routinely ever since.

Would the new job be in a location which has better connections to other places? I might consider it on that basis, although it would add two hours to your day the chances of her being confident to drive two hours a day seems slim. Would her increased pay finance the extra commute? If you are on an estate would your current employer be willing for her to practice a bit on the estate roads to increase her confidence?

European here who learned to drive in Europe and now drives in the UK. It’s scary to drive on the other side at the beginning and definitely easier with an automatic.
YANBU and I would offer two things: that you drive with her the first few times and help her navigate the roads a bit or hire a driving instructor for 1-2 refresher sessions. Then stop all lifts, I can understand why it’s very annoying and in her position I would hate to be so dependent.

Also thank you all for the insight so quickly. It has made me do some thinking this morning.

I think my frustration with the situation has maybe clouded my sympathy a bit
and really we need to address the root cause of why shes been putting this off for so long...if it's fear of the road layouts and confidence then I agree refresher lessons sound like a great idea! If it's just idleness... We'll then thats another problem eh.

I guess my reservations for sharing a very small car are largely because we have to drive quite poor condition country roads, and regularly do reasonably long drives to see friends or go to the city, or for doing something like buying furniture...I was more thinking for practicality and comfort than having a larger car for the sake of it. I think compromise is the one here...

A smaller shared automatic, or her own automatic, and some refresher lessons is the route to go down I think :) and maybe a firm commitment to a time frame in which this needs to happen

She sounds ridiculous. How is she planning on getting to and from work if she gets the job? A 1.8 is not super powerful but get a 1.4 automatic if it will shut her up I guess.
I would tell her a date from which all lifts will stop and tell her to acquaint herself with the local taxi service (guessing you don’t have uber in your neck of the woods).

I think one realistic option is op and dw separate and work on the different estates. It doesn't sound like a happy relationship (at least, I wouldn't be happy married to such a helpless person).
That'd actually be the push to make her learn to drive, probably.

Out of interest op, are you a chauffeur as part of your job? If so, that's even more unreasonable of your dw to make you basically carry on working in your time off

If she gets the job she’ll obviously have to drive, which will end in this nonsense. So surely it’s in your interest to get her to the interview? I’d personally choose picking her friends up at the airport as my hill to die on.

I wouldn't put up with this from a partner, you've been very patient op. Unless it was medical, I'm not a monster.

@QuaintSquid , what is the advantage of the job she wants to apply for, over the one she has now on the estate you both work on? Because adding a 2 hour commute for one of you, +/- a house move, seems a pretty major disruption. What's the bigger picture here?

So she doesn't work at the moment?

Just wondering what the division of labour is before l get my pitchfork out and join the baying mob

I agree with you, but I also understand the being scared of driving in the UK. The roads aren't great and there's not as much leeway as some other countries.

Would some driving refresher lessons help with her confidence?

Why don’t you book some driving lessons on her I know she can drive, but it seems she is lacking confidence (unless she is an entitled sponger)

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Do you think it's the rural roads that she finds intimidating? They can be scary for even experienced drivers! Would she be open to a few refresher driving lessons as an Xmas gift?

I think this nails my frustration really. She could do all these things. She could afford a small car! She could arrange refresher lessons! But it's the lack or proactivity in doing so that bugs me.

I'd happily take her to garages to test drive cars and go with her as a passenger while she gains confidence etc but it never gets that far

You both work for the same place and have a house on the estate. Obviously your wife wants to work somewhere else. If she gets the job, how does she plan on getting there and back every day if she doesn't drive? I'd be more concerned about that than the interview, she could get a taxi for that.

I wonder if she is fed up and wants a change in more ways than her work.

Is she scared of driving on the 'wrong' side of the road? I am petrified of this too, despite being a very confident driver in the UK.
It would drive me mad too, but I don't think the interview is the right time to put your foot down. Buy her some top-up driving lessons, agree to practising with her somewhere quite like a station carpark on Sundays, and get her driving!

You’re right, she should do it, but given she hasn’t, and doesn’t look like she will, him doing it would force her hand

It clearly says in the op that the house it tied to the job. So he works on a country estate as a game keeper or as a farm hand or a light house keeper. He’s not moved out to the country to be controlling or for the fun of it.

Definitely not fair on you to have to do all the driving when she can actually drive. If she's not confident enough driving get her to book a refresher course or even just a couple of lessons with an automatic driving instructor. Swap your car for an automatic and the smallest type of car you can without it impacting your day to day lives if you need something with good space etc. She seems to not really respect your feelings on this and just expects you to keep doing it. She can't live somewhere rural / not a lot of public transport and expect to not drive. Like pp have said what if you died? Also if she expected you to drive her to the interview the next thing would be her expecting you to drive her to work every day. It's not that she can't drive or she's incapable, so I actually think she's quite selfish making your run around so much after her guests / 1 hour round trips to drop her packages off etc. Honestly if it was me and she still refused then I would be just as stubborn and refuse to drive her anywhere 🤣

I mean, sure, it sounds kind of annoying but..

never shows much appreciation ... she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. ...It grates on me a lot.
I have been campaigning... I find her lack of independence quite suffocating.. . She's happily inconvenienced me for years now.

Would you like her more if she learns to drive? Because it sounds like you think she's a bit pointless to your life at the moment. Do you think that? Does she think that?

Take her to the interview, but she needs to learn to drive so she can get to the job! She could get a fiat 500 or similar for cheap, that would be fine for her to get about in and easy to park. Time for her to grow up and take some responsibility for herself!

Just say no from now on and that will bring things to a head. Guests get a taxi from the station, parcels returned when you are in town anyway, interview only possible if she sorts it out. You’ve been saying her behaviour is unacceptable whilst accepting it in practice, which is a mixed message.

She is legally able to drive.
She has a license to drive.
There is nothing stopping her from driving your car. No excuse but she is scared. She needs help from you. That’s understandable. So take it slowly. Make sure she knows and understands the Highway Code to start with.
Ask her to come with you for some short practise sessions in your automatic.
I’m sure her confidence will shoot up if you are kind to her about it. Once that happens, encourage her to drive out on her own to prove to herself she can do it.
Then you could help her choose her own smaller automatic car.

No point driving her to an interview for a job an hour away that she can’t ever get to. You have to teach her drive in the UK first.

If you read the OP’s update, the new job is on a different estate to the one they currently work in, which would also have accommodation. OP says they could stay where they are or both move to the new estate, which would mean the OP has an hour commute morning and evening. I expect that’s what the non-driving wife is hoping will happen.

If you want her to learn to drive so it’s not always you doing the driving, @QuaintSquid , I suspect her taking a job where you both move to live at the accommodation she now works at but you now have a long commute to work each day, is probably not the solution!