To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

She needs to get some confidence lessons via an instructor. Rural roads are not easy either, even for an experienced driver. Going for a job an hour away is probably not the right time, first she needs to get some driving experience.

I sense your frustration and it must be annoying on a day to day basis. I have to say, and I passed my test decades ago and drive everyday, that the big car thing resonates with me and has been a thing between my OH and I. I do not want to drive a big car, that's all my husband wants to drive. So we had and have a car each. But he sometimes tries to get me to drive his car and will often say, if we are going somewhere together and im driving, let's take my car. I refuse. It's the parking. I don't want the stress and the aggravation. I find his arguments in favour if his big car ridiculous, and say so, drive it yourself. I think if I was you I would have a good think about the make and size of the car you end up with.

Obviously this is something you need to get sorted out between you. But if she has driven before, there must be a reason why she doesn’t want to do it here. Has she perhaps only ever driven on the RH side? Whatever the reason, but especially if that’s the case, going to a job interview, when she's probably already feeling nervous, is not the time to take the plunge, especially in a hire car she wouldn't be familiar with, and probably on roads she isn’t familiar with.

If you want to share a car you need to be a bit understanding about her reluctance to drive a more powerful one (though this would probably change once she felt more confident). I don’t understand why you think long journeys and "big errands" would "obviously" fall on you if she got a smaller car.

I understand your annoyance and frustration but if she is feeling nervous about driving here you need to respect her feelings and help her get over the hurdle.
The idea mentioned by others of her taking a refresher course is a good one.

Exchange your car for an automatic and she will probably start driving. It takes some building up when you haven’t done it for years. You are expecting your wife, who really doesn’t want to drive, to go out and buy a car. Think of the psychology of this. It is a hassle and it will make her life worse so it will constantly go to the bottom of the list. It reminds me of a friend whose husband really wanted them to move (she wasn’t particularly keen). He waited for her to do the house hunting and they are still in the same house 15yrs on.

A smaller shared automatic, or her own automatic, and some refresher lessons is the route to go down I think :) and maybe a firm commitment to a time frame in which this needs to happen

This update paints a much more reasonable picture @QuaintSquid than your original post did. If the relationship is otherwise strong, an open conversation about how much the lack of independence is bothering you, and a joint plan of how to improve that sounds much better than an insistence on immediately driving a powerful car and the job interview ultimatum.

I do wonder how strong your relationship is though. There’s clearly a lot of resentment from your side, and I wonder whether her job application (to another role with its own accommodation) is actually a step of her own towards independence…

Yes, I agree with this.

I do t have a problem driving anywhere but I do know two people that happen to be women, like this and one continues to rely on her husband for car journeys, the other learnt to drive and automatic and she's a pretty confident driver now. However, it isn't a problem where we live as we are in a City. I think seen as you live where you do due to your job you should consider the choices that leaves your wife? Equally, is it a good idea to have a nervous driver on the rural roads?

Driving lessons is the answer here. Lots of instructors offer lessons and deals. You used to be able to do a course that got you money off insurance. Don’t dismiss her fears and don’t think you can teach coach her - an instructor will soon put her straight and there will be no emotion in it.

What will she do if she gets the job then? You drive her every day to work? Hell, no. In this age of women empowerment and feminism refusing to drive is just ludicrous. Tell her to sort out her own transport.

@QuaintSquid what happens if she gets the job?

I don't think the interview is the time to put your foot down. If there is anxiety about driving, a time when she will already be nervous and potentially distracted is not the right time. I'd take her to the interview but make it clear you won't be driving her to and from the job on a regular basis if she gets it. Then, if she gets the job (or even if she doesn't), support her to gain confidence in driving by looking for a car she will drive comfortably, encouraging her to have refresher lessons, and so on.

I followed a car for half an hour in country roads that slowed down to 20mph every time a car came in the opposite direction. Then speeding up to about 50 and then braking suddenly almost to a stop again.

There was a huge queue of about 30 cars behind us and as soon as there was a dual carriageway it was absolute carnage with everyone trying to overtake! Don’t let her be that woman.

I hate driving at night due to the glare, so I wear yellow tinted glasses, but if I actually couldn’t drive like this woman then I wouldn’t want to be a hazard. I would hate having to rely on other people, but better that than causing accidents by frustrating everyone in a 20 mile radius!

Make sure she has some refresher lessons, get her a car she’s confident to drive, which also means you’re not having to adjust your own schedule if she has the car etc - sharing doesn’t work when there are 2 people working in different directions and it won’t work for her if she doesn’t feel comfortable driving your car. If she wants a Micra, go with that. Maybe even as a slightly extravagant but pointed Xmas gift so that she can start the new year as she means to go on.

But I do agree with other posters that maybe the interview isn’t the time to put your foot down in case she gets lost/upset/frazzled on the way and it affects her chances.

These are all her issues.
He's highlighted these and as a grown up it is now her responsibility to stop her issues being such a burden.

She is being unreasonable and you need to stop dropping everything to drive her about.

She can drive; she's choosing not to.

Good luck. Hope she sees sense.

I suspect it's not that simple. Despite being a "competent" driver, in possession of a licence, I don't drive. I've tried refresher lessons, we have an automatic and my dh is sympathetic but exposure hasn't fixed it. The thought of driving makes me feel physically sick. Instead of being able to relax into it, focusing on the road, my head is full of catastrophes just waiting to happen. I don't feel safe behind the wheel and so far, nothing has even come close to fixing that. By the sound of it, in "normal" circumstances, the easy thing here would be for her to drive. The fact that she isn't...

Perhaps it's laziness but given she learnt in the first place and currently works, that seems unlikely.

What are the roads like in her home country? I know loads of Americans and Canadians who refuse to drive here because they hate our rural roads. Having driven in Canada, where a rural road in the province my husband's family live could fit at least 5 cars side by side quite easily I can understand why too.

Who does the driving when you visit her home country?

Take her to the interview (if at all possible) don't take her to the job if she gets it. That is her responsibility and having her own car and her time.

Don't take too much notice about driving on the other side of the road being a major factor. DH and I lived abroad for a long time and never had a single problem adapting from one side to the other. Often switching 4-5 times a year as we would come back to the UK to visit.

To be fair 99% of our driving is on the same roads at home and the same roads in the UK and you just get used to driving on this side on this road and that side on that road.

Have you considered that the job he does is only available in rural communities? He might not have a choice, not everyone works in an office.

But I’m with you OP, she needs to start driving and be independent of you. You’re her husband not her carer.

Is the job with rural house your job or does she also work there? Are you both happy with where you live and work?

I am anxious about driving. I will do it locally and I do suck it up and drive on motorways and rural roads because there is no viable alternative sometimes. But I live somewhere with excellent public transport so if I couldn't drive then my day to day life would continue just fine.

I think her wanting to apply for a job is a good sign and potentially hook that may force her to face whatever her fears are around driving. I don't think forcing her to drive herself to interview when you know she is anxious about driving would be kind or supportive. So in your shoes I would drive her there. But obviously if she gets the job you are not her chauffeur.

If the rural living and driving duties falling to you is something causing a real issue in your relationship then you do need to resolve either the lack of her driving or the remoteness of your home.

I voted YABU only because the job interview isn't the time to force it. She absolutely should get herself back on the road, I never understand those who can but won't. I have a colleague who gets really cross if she has to get the bus to work because her husband can't drive her, but she can actually drive herself!

I'm dating at the moment and have chosen not to continue to date when I discover they can't drive, I think it's a basic adult skill!

Forcing your wife to do something she isn’t comfortable with could be dangerous for her and other people in this case. If she doesn’t feel she can handle the roads where you are it may be because she knows her limits. I completely sympathise with your situation but I wouldn’t force someone to drive if they were too nervous to even practice. You could certainly justify helping her less and not making yourself available as the designated driver when you don’t want to be.

Yes exactly. They're all controlled by pedals. You don't need physical strength to control a powerful car. People act like it's a horse that's going to run away with them. It's not you just put your foot in the brake which is exactly the same as any little 1 litre car.

The hardest cars to drive are the cheap little tinny things. Bumpy, unforgiving, no helpful extras, slow to accelerate meaning you need to be alert and have better judgement. Usually worse headlights. Apart from.parking, bigger and more expensive cars are much easier to drive

Jesus wept. I’d forgotten that mn think a woman who can’t drive is selfish,inept and needy. Like it is some aberration

it’s problematic when you live arse end of nowhere. Like they do
if you love urban setting it’s no problem

I don't know how you've put up with it for so long.

My question to her would be - if she gets the job how does she plan to get there and back everyday?

I'm surprised (but perhaps I shouldn't be) at how much aggression there is towards the wife.

If she has a foreign licence, she may have come from a culture where many people don't drive, particularly women. If Eastern Europe, then having a car was not standard for some time, and many couples even don't drive, especially if older. There is also a cultural streak of women not driving, men driving their women or paying for taxis. You (plural) may bristle at this, but the women I've met who don't drive have often become scared of the very prospect, and/or have licences but are too scared to drive.

She is not lazy or bad. She is simply terrified of driving.

But, of course it isn't viable for her DH to drive her everywhere, especially when they live miles out in the country.

So, in my humble opinion, there are a few considerations, but they all start with:

Don't be unkind to her. Realise this resistance from her come from pure fear.

Discuss another, reliable mode of transport for her.
What about the bus?

Discuss how she would get to a job which needs transport to get there.

Your options to me seem to boil down to:

Sort out the bus
Pay for a taxi
Get a ride with someone local who travels to the same place for work

or

MOVE to an urban environment where she can get around without a car

I wouldn’t take her to the interview and I’d also be pointing out that it’s pointless even attending the interview if she can’t or hasn’t yet drove because how is she going to attend work if she gets the job? Honestly I’d have put my foot down about this a long time ago. Not driving is a choice and that’s totally fine if she doesn’t want to but she can’t not drive and then expect someone else to do it for her, nope.

There is no point you driving her to the interview if she wouldn't be able to drive to the job.