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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to drive DW to an interview

353 replies

QuaintSquid · 30/11/2024 08:13

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

OP posts:
HelpMeHelpTheKids · 02/12/2024 18:03

No wonder you’re fed up! I get that she might be nervous but that’s no excuse to use you as her personal chauffeur.

I was terrified of learning to drive but when my then-DP told me he was fed up with being the designated driver, I made myself do it, because it wasn’t fair on him.

Ginandpanic · 03/12/2024 08:16

RosieLeaf · 30/11/2024 08:26

Yanbu, this kind of learned helplessness would drive me insane.

PP is right that it is selfish.

Agree she needs to learn to drive and get some independence. Now is as good a time as any.
Just being a pedant, this isn’t learned helplessness.

ResultsMayVary · 03/12/2024 11:24

MarvellousMonsters · 01/12/2024 19:11

@QuaintSquid

"We both work for an estate as private staff. It's not uncommon for private staff to be provided accommodation as part of their pay. So we both currently live where we work.

The place she wants to apply for also provides accommodation to their staff if they need it. So the arrangement would have to be that we both move to her new location, and I commute back to my current job. Or visa versa."

If her current job is one she doesn't need to drive/get lifts to, and she chooses to get a new job that does involve a commute, she needs to do some refresher lessons and get her ass in the drivers seat.

It's the opposite if I understand correctly. They did have jobs in a city that meant his wife could move about more independently - a change of job to a rural position means it's almost impossible for his wife to get around without a car. This could be reversed if they moved back to the city as his wife clearly wants.

She's moved countries but it appears that it also revolves around his preferred work location - I'm not clear why. He can be freed of the burden of driving her if they moved back to the city.

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