To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

You don’t know it’s bone idleness! She is probably terrified!

And if my aunty had balls she'd be my uncle.

I have done the ferrying around of our kids, driven us abroad for holidays etc etc for decades as DH doesn't drive and didn't want to learn.
If I had balls, it would be a complete ball ache so I absolutely sympathise with your frustration.
The only mitigating factor here is that he is very appreciative and thinks of work arounds if I want a drink.
I would basically:
Change car to an automatic
Get her to organise a driving instructor to refamiliarise her with driving, and in the uk
Encourage her to go for it
If none of this works and she's not giving you reaons, she is taking advantage of your good nature and you may want to consider your options

I thought that, Sometimesright. She probably doesn't want to say and has perhaps been hoping she will summon up enough courage to drive again. Otherwise she wouldn't have taken years to get her licence authorised and that sort of thing. I am someone who lost their nerve for driving so I understand that.

We don't know but it is a possibility.

I honestly know how she feels. I hate driving! I have no sense of direction. I only do the most basic journey I can. Luckily my husband is a total star!

I don't think you need anything more than a 1.2 Micra. I can get a sofa in mine and happily accelerate on a Motorway or climb a large hill. It's pretty decent on long journeys too and very economical.

I realised that your wife has passed a test but won't drive rather than can't. Maybe get her some driving lessons so she can build up her confidence again? She needs to take responsibility so you can have a drink occasionally or get a job that involves driving. You are correct that it's essential if you live in a rural area. If you were injured and needed driving to hospital, would she step up?

Sorry, am i the only one looking at this and seeing she clearly has a mental issue with driving, probably a fear, and she doesnt want to admit to it. You sound very harsh the way you say she "inconveniences you" -shes your wife! Clearly she needs help working through this, not to be faced with your exasperation and accusations of selfishness

@QuaintSquid

"We both work for an estate as private staff. It's not uncommon for private staff to be provided accommodation as part of their pay. So we both currently live where we work.

The place she wants to apply for also provides accommodation to their staff if they need it. So the arrangement would have to be that we both move to her new location, and I commute back to my current job. Or visa versa."

If her current job is one she doesn't need to drive/get lifts to, and she chooses to get a new job that does involve a commute, she needs to do some refresher lessons and get her ass in the drivers seat.

I didn’t drive for years, my DP preferred doing the driving and I was happy. I decided it was ridiculous after ten years, got a refresher lesson, and the driving instructor paid attention for 1/4 of an hour, stated I am a good driver, then appeared to go to sleep.

Can I suggest an EV is an alternative to an automatic, and having owned a petrol, diesel and now EV, they are the clear winner.

I would only drive her to the interview if she gets driving refresher lessons or if it's a work from home job. You can't be driving her everyday to work and getting back to your job.

the driving instructor paid attention for 1/4 of an hour, stated I am a good driver, then appeared to go to sleep

Lol that made me giggle - sadly it’s getting increasingly hard to get a good driving instructor. The standard has plummeted since there’s such a high demand for them, partly due the difficulty people have had in booking a practical test since the pandemic.

I’ve lost count of how many of my former instructors post pandemic were looking at their phones, making calls etc most of them have a waiting list so they knew if I drop them they can find someone else to replace me easily.

An interview, where she may be feeling nervous or distracted by thinking about what she may be asked, is not a great time to insist that she drives - but I'd make it clear if she gets offered the job and wants to accept it, she's going to have to start driving (and pulling her weight in sharing the communal driving!).

What discussion was had before you both decided to move to the current rural position? Was she enthusiastic about taking on the current role or were you the one that instigated the move? Was driving discussed before the move?

Would she prefer to live in a city where she doesn't need to drive and can be independent? Her wanting to apply for this new job suggests she wants to return to the city.

It sounds like the issue is perhaps bigger than driving. Are you not both in agreement about where you want to live?

If it was your idea to move to the country than I think you should drive her to city interviews (assuming that's possible work wise) as otherwise it comes across as a bit controlling - that you are keeping her living where you prefer but she has no real independence.

I think refresher driving lessons could go a long way here to build up her confidence and as you said, moving to an automatic car that you can both agree upon. I've also never yet driven in England but if living rurally, would make a point of it. You would know best but perhaps it's not laziness rather lack of confidence, which she can be helped with, so long as she's willing.

I think she's probably scared of driving rather than be lazy, driving on different side of road etc possibly just a nervous driver anyway.
So she has made the following compromises
Moved from her home country to live in UK ( is this your home country?)
Live in a isolated rural house due to your job.
Limited her own work opportunities by living in this location.
So I think you need to be more understanding.
Is it feasible to change your job? So you can live in town even if your job means you need to work rurally so you'd need to travel to work ?
Can you afford 2 cars? Or get a small automatic like a vauxhall corsa and suggest to DW you find an automatic driving instructor who specialises in nervous pupils to give lessons.
If the prospective job is an hour hour away ( not just the interview) then it's not feasible for you to drive her in every day but could you take her to nearest public transport link to get there???
Ultimately if she got the job is could motivate her to drive.
So I get your frustration but I think you are being unreasonable not to drive her to interview.

Driving can be frightening for the uninitiated. It seems she has driven abroad so does have the skillset,.she's obviously anxious about getting on the UK roads. It is probably worth her having a few driving lessons that you can support her with to get her confidence back. Jumping straight into a car and driving for an interview for the first time ever in the UK is a terrible idea, imagine the anxiety for the interview alone, let alone parking on interview day. Get her driving lessons for Xmas, or take her to local car park and have a wizz around, I would have to switch to automatic or hire auto car for a month. Good luck, it's not worth leaving each other.. There is a solution

I think making a relationship choice based upon abilities to drive are futile. me and my partner both couldn't drive when we met, I passed, eventually but they didn't despite trying for the next 6yrs. They did eventually. It does make life easier especially with kids. I have a sister in law who refuses to drive and my brother in law is running around a blue arsed fly. They also decided to buy an electric car with no driveway or parking at home, so they park a mile away from home at local electric point and walk to car everyday with 2 kids in tow 11, 9. People's are bonkers

I don't drive in all honesty, however we live by a tramline so I'm free to jump on that, I'm also an avid walker, we mostly go to places together and get a taxi if we have a drink so it's not really an issue, however if we lived rurally I would feel very isolated as i wouldn't feel comfortable relying on my DH for him driving me everywhere, yes on balance she is being unreasonable! I hope this works out for you as I think it's going to cause serious probs down the line and already sounds like it has!

I feel your pain. My husband has a condition which precludes him from driving so I am always behind the wheel. The difference is it hurts him every day that he cannot drive and it is especially difficult when I have, for example, a hospital appointment and I need to take a taxi which he willingly pays for because of his perceived guilt. What I am trying to say is that if your wife is fit and able as she seems to be she is being incredibly selfish to you and you deserve better.

If the job is an hour away how's she getting there if she gets the job? I wouldn't take her because if she gets the job this will become your commute.

Also why can't she learn to drive manual? If I was living rurally I'd want the control a manual car offers.

I'd suggest you need to invest time going out with her where she drives you to build her confidence, I.e. you'll go with her to the interview if she drives you both so she gets practise

You have to make this the deal breaker; if you drive her to the interview, she gets the job and then you refuse to drive her to work, it will all be your fault!
She's supposedly a big grown up girl, so if she wants that job, she needs to work out how she's going to get herself to work every day. What happens otherwise if an occasion arises when you are tied up with your own work, away, unwell or sadly, not around any more?
Time to pull on her big girl knickers and get it done and you need to do tough love, coming at it from a positive place, not setting her up to fail - but she should thank you in the long run.
Have athink about showing her these posts and see that it's not just you that is saying this.....

Going to an interview could be very stressful especially if driving stresses you out. So I would help & drive. However if she got the job what then ?

If you hate driving & find it too stressful it is very hard to suddenly become confident. I hate driving, especially in the dark, and I would not live in a rural location because of that. Did your wife have a choice & was it something you already understood she had difficulty doing ?
I wish I could just jump in my car and take off without worrying but I just can't , I have also stopped driving on the motorway as it makes me feel so sick.

This would be a good thread to explore confidence building for driving as I'm sure there are plenty who feel the same.

She needs to drive. FFS how is she living in a rural area and not driving. And why has she not learned to drive a manual? If she ever hires one (I assume UK) it is virtually impossible to get an automatic. Stop driving her anywhere - including the places where you only have one drink (or tell her to pay for taxis - expensive rurally, I know!)
I had this problem in a different way with late DH. He did not drive and wanted to be driven everywhere including the pub (later he could not drive anyway, since he had Glaucoma). I did it but got fed up going to parties where I could not drink and when our circumstances changed insisted on taxis or that pub be within walking distance. He was fine, and began to say we'd have to walk/get a taxi since I could otherwise not have a drink. I miss him. Tough love works. Try it on DW.

Would some refresher lessons or getting a car and being with her to get used to becoming more confident help? Maybe approach helping her would have more effect. It can be scary driving on the opposite site of the road and takes time. X