To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

If I were his wife I'd be running (not walking) through that door.

And you'd be running for a long time

I'd suggest a taxi.

Thanks. Yes, I know people who complain about having to get the bus too; they completely take it for granted that their husband will pick them up/drop them off

As someone who hates driving.... I do it because I have to. She's lazy! Don't take her to the Interview, Purley because if she got the job, how will she get there and back?

Thats a good point, they live so rurally she’d be running for miles.

She'd move to the accommodation provided with the new job. Which is probably the real reason why the OP doesn't want her to do the interview.

And absolutely thick as mince because you can get the post office to collect parcels from you now.

I get that her not driving is highly inconvenient and a burden, but this appears to stem from a total lack of confidence. She's in a new country and wants a small automatic because she is fearful. Have you offered to pay for her to have lessons/supported her in increasing her confidence. Because right now you're not coming across as being empathetic. Your wife is (presumably) from another country and has also moved around to facilitate your career, which has resulted in her becoming isolated and stuck in the countryside. That's not easy. Not working or earning may also have knocked her confidence. Without a job she's probably financially dependent upon you. I think that you need to be offering to get her some driving lessons and help her purchase a small car. I don't understand why, if you insist on only having one, you are so stuck on keeping the larger car, given that you know that she is far less likely to drive it. If, on rare occasions, such as holidays, you need a bigger car, you could surely hire one? Are you prepared to compromise on this, or is this all down on your wife to simply get over her fear and start driving, without you helping her.

She does work.

The thing that jumps out at me the most fir me is your barely concealed contempt towards your wife when you say "she has happily inconvenienced me for years". Well, have you not also 'happily inconvenienced her for years" by following your career and forcing her to move to somewhere isolated in another country?

YANBU she's definitely trying to run before she can walk (or drive). Is she applying for this job because she doesn't like living as rurally as you do now and wants to be able to run errands without relying on you?

Driving is my major blind spot and I absolutely hate it. Both my parents were always very derogatory about women drivers. I was in my 30s by the time I could afford driving lessons, and it didn't come easily to me. Every time I turn the key in the ignition I have a stream of really negative thoughts and remembered arguments playing out. I'm a naturally anxious person anyway and it's hard for my DH to understand, as his Mum was the opposite and encouraged him to learn to drive as a teenager.

I'm determined to crack being a confident driver, but I realise I need to be able to plan commuting to work by public transport in the meantime.

What compromises has she made?
Erm... Move overseas for him?

And he's said that has he?
Apart from mentioning that's she's foreign has the OP stated that she came here for him as opposed to they met here?

Also. She has freedom. OP actually days he wants her to have freedom
She can leave.

I feel that the "other side of the road* argument is invalid, as once you get in a car that has a steering wheel on the correct side (RHS for UK/Ireland, LHS for mainland Europe) then everything comes naturally.

Can you not just buy your DW a banger and tell her "that's yours, enjoy!". I couldn't live like you do. We're semi rural and that drives me up the bloody bend, but at least my DH can walk to the Post Office..!

And he's said that has he?

No, because he hasn't come back. Wind up? Probably.

So their lives have to revolve around her unwillingness to drive?

I’m a bit divided on this. After reading all of Op’s posts I can see that she is anxious and lacks the confidence to drive where they are living but is quite happy to drive in Europe. Anxious, fearful drivers can be a danger to themselves and others. As someone who loves driving there are already too many people driving who really shouldn’t be on the roads.

I was totally in agreement until the end, 1 hour isn't a long commute.
We lived in Germany and had a LHD and a RHD then we brought them back to the UK with no problem, the only difficulty can be overtaking, if your car is the 'wrong ' configuration then if needs extra care as you're next to the kerb.

An hour commute in this hypothetical situation that she is expecting?

I think OP is saying they've tried everything to encourage independence, looking at cars which are not right, has said refresher courses are a good idea..."but it never gets that far".

I personally as a woman would want my own independence in this situation and work my hardest to be able to transport myself. It goes 2 ways. You have been very respectful of your DP on here, but you also need to have your own independence and not just be there to drive them around. Me personally, if you can't get yourself to the interview then you can't take the hypothetical job.

I bet a man refusing to drive and using his wife as a free taxi for no good reason wouldn't invoke the same sympathy level!

And as the memo kicks in I myself have found that it's uncomfortable /anxiety inducing / even panic attack (but that's another thread) driving in certain circumstances that I wouldn't have given a thought to before. But this feels likes it's a different issue.

Stop ferrying her about. Say no to post office jobs, lifts etc. But do prewarn her that this will stop after Christmas for example. until she starts being proactive.

You don't know that it comes naturally until you try it. (And even if it did come naturally for you that wouldn't necessarily be the same for everyone else.)

It's hard to explain how daunting this stuff can be for some people.

Odd lift?
I think not. Wife has made herself entirely dependant on her husband for travel.
Would you have the same opinion if it was the husband expecting wife to be responsible for all the driving?

What I'm seeing is a husband who insists on living somewhere they are entirely dependent on driving to get around, despite the very clear and obvious signs that his wife doesn't want to live there.

He shouldn't be slagging her off on Mumsnet.

He should be asking two questions:

1. Are you happy living where we do? If not, we should make a plan to move somewhere we can both be happy.
2. What can I do to support you to feel comfortable driving in the UK?

She wouldn't be "entirely dependent on him for travel" if he agreed to live somewhere less remote.