To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

Have you read his replies? He said that if she got this job it would also come with accommodation and so they'd have to live in one location and one of them commute to the other.

I think the real reason he doesn't want to support her to change job is because he doesn't want anything to change. Because if she got a job that also came with accommodation and wasn't an hour's round trip from the nearest Post Office, them moving there and him commuting would clearly be the better option all things considered, but he doesn't want to consider anyone else's needs.

I have read his replies (as my latest post should make clear).

I think he wants to carry on living in the middle of nowhere and is either oblivious to the fact that it doesn't work for his wife or he doesn't give a shit because it works for him.

Haven't read all the replies (and I'm going to risk cancel the cheque) but you need to compromise on the size of the car if you want a shared one. Small cars can still do long drives. Otherwise she needs her own, especially if she's getting a job an hour away.
So YANBU but I would do the interview on the condition that you change the car and she shares the driving (or buy her her own small car).

And when did she ever consider him?

Well she's living in his country, where he wants to live, in the middle of nowhere even though it clearly doesn't work for her and she's far from her support network, so it sounds like he gets quite a lot of things his way tbh.

All of which she's had no control over....

Again people are really trying to paint her as some damsel in distress who couldn't possibly be expected to use her own unless brain.

If I were her I'd get a taxi to that job interview and then go and live somewhere else. Whether the OP joined me or not would be up to him.

Given that he's currently getting everything his own way he should show a little more empathy for his wife who is clearly afraid of driving in the UK.

@QuaintSquid - you sound supportive and you clearly love her, which is a good start. Could you show her this thread? I agree that she needs to learn to drive here, but I am sympathetic to her. I’ve followed DH around the world, and found it quite scary to drive initially in each new country - you don’t know where you’re going and you’re often driving on the “wrong” side of the road which is scary too. I also initially put up all sorts of ridiculous excuses, because it felt unfair to explain my concerns to DH, especially when he was dealing with exactly the same circumstances (driving in an unfamiliar place on an unfamiliar side of the road). But when I did explain my fears he was super patient. Sat patiently in the car whilst I drove to school and work a few times to develop my confidence. Communication is key. She is scared and you are frustrated - both entirely understandable.

Then she need to get over that silly fear and not expect people to cart her around.

This is a really unkind thing to say. Lots of people feel nervous about driving on the "wrong" side of the road and it can be hard to get used to. (Speaking from experience here.) Lots of people feel nervous about driving full stop. But I think it's unreasonable to make your foreign wife live in the middle of nowhere and then bitch about her not being more independent. Maybe they should go and live in her country for a bit and see how he gets on with zero support or empathy from her.

If she can't drive herself around or get over her fear then she needs to accept that she has limited her world.
Hers.
Not his.
And she has no claim to his time or labour.

He has also limited her world by living in that location.

The fact that she wants to apply for a job in a different location and he's basically saying that not only is he going to choose a job interview to be the thing he takes a stand over (as opposed to something less important, such as, say, driving an hour to get to the Post Office), but he would expect to stay living where they are and for her to commute an hour to her new job says it all. It's very "my way or the high way".

Like I said, in her shoes I'd get a taxi to that interview, do my best to get that job, and then tell him I refused to live in the arse end of nowhere anymore.

That she also works and lives in. Nowhere has he said he forced her to follow him.

How else did she think she was going to get to the kob interview?
She she ASSume she could demand his time? Did she ask before she applied? Or did she just go ahead with all her audacity?

Well she has to go with his way as she apparently can't access the highway...

Get her some driving lessons for Christmas to build her confidence but she needs to drive.

If I were in her situation, my husband would absolutely drive me to that job interview. And support me to get the job. And listen if I said that living in such a remote location didn't work for me.

I've been in a position where I had to learn to drive in a new country, on the other side of the road, with different rules, and it scared me. I got over it eventually but it still scared me. And UK country roads are another level of scary if you're not used to them. (My husband won't drive on them.) So I empathise with her.

I've also been the person whose partner didn't drive. My husband is a city boy and I had to nag him to learn in his mid 30s and yeah, it was an absolute pain in the bum. But I would have driven him to a job interview and chosen some other time to make my point. Because I love him.

OK.. cool story.
But none of this is about you.

I find it really hard to wrap my head around adults that can't/won't drive and I say this as a person that came from a non-driving family (I was the first person to drive). Literally can't imagine not just hopping in the car to take myself somewhere, if mine has to go in the garage for anything I won't take it unless they can offer a courtesy car.
She needs to step up and start driving as she has put on you for more than long enough.

Ysnbu

What's your point?

I'm giving my point of view on this situation. And my point of view is informed by the fact that I know what it's like to (a) move to my partner's country, far from family and friends, (b) have to learn to drive in a different country despite finding that pretty scary to begin with, and (c) have a partner who needed a kick up the bum to learn to drive.

So I can see both sides. But I think taking a stand over a job interview is shitty behaviour, and I think it's pretty clear that the OP's wife does not want to live in their current location. He doesn't seem to be offering any solutions other than his wife just getting over her fear and starting to drive. But if she does, then what? She'll still be living an hour's round trip from the nearest Post Office, which is clearly not working for her. He needs to talk to her about why she wants to apply for a new job an hour away, and really listen to what she is saying.

Perhaps part of the reason why she's resisting is actually because she knows that if she starts driving, the only inconvenience the OP currently has will have gone away and he will be even less willing to consider moving closer to civilisation. It'll be, "You can drive now, so what's the problem?"

She needs to take responsibility for her own transport. If needs be she will have to get a taxi to and from her interview - and then to and from work if she gets the job. It will probably finish up costing her more than she might earn, but hopefully that prospect might concentrate her mind.

I do sympathise with her in some ways - I hate driving and only do it because there is no other way of getting about in the rural area where I live. I do think the only way she is going to take the initiative to overcome her fears is if you stand back now, whilst offering her every support and understanding as she takes the first steps into learning to drive.

No. There's no other point of view. She put herself in this situation and again she doesn't get to demand this from him.

She wants to play stupid games she'll win stupid prizes

He has a secure job, a secure home and assuming a life that is good

If she's not happy she can walk. As that's her only mode of transport.

The only thing she should've done is ask him before applying. She was a demanding madam to assume she could continue to click her fingers and he's keep saying how high.

No. There's no other point of view.

You don't get to decide that.

As an aside, as a fairly rural driving instructor it’s of interest, why are British rural roads seen as requiring a lot more skill? Having driven in both France and Italy I’d say they aren’t any worse (although the frustration of taking forever to get anywhere in Devon/Cornwall lanes is something to whinge about).

I just did.

@bozzabollix very narrow, very fast. In many places high hedgerows and few passing spaces. Added to that in many other countries I've found that people who drive for work (white vans types) are more courteous, more professional and better. In the UK they are often screaming arseholes who zoom around at speed with no empathy for other road users.