To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

What I'm seeing is a husband who insists on living somewhere they are entirely dependent on driving to get around

They both work at the same estate. It doesn’t seem that the husband had ‘insisted’ on anything.

The wife happily drove in their home country so it might never have occurred to him that when they moved, she would suddenly decide not to do it any more.

I don’t think a good solution is for the wife to get a job an hour away on a different (still rural?) estate meaning they have to move there and the husband now has an hour commute there and back again to his job.

Some of the posts here are really odd! Unless I missed something, at no point did OP say he bashed her over the head and dragged her back to his hermits cave! For all we know they met at the estate they were both working and fell in love there! Maybe she ended up in a rural place, fleeing from Ukraine? Who knows! Strange how in similar posts, a man who cannot/will not drive is a major turn-off! OP sounds extremely patient (maybe too patient) and if it was the other way around it would be an instant 'LTB' because he's being selfish making the other do everything. Feels a bit like a contradiction here.

She wants to apply for another job in a different location with a view to moving there.

What clearer signs do you need that she isn't happy living where they currently are?

We don't know that the woman in question has insisted on the OP driving there. We don't know if the alternative options, like staying overnight the night before or paying for a taxi have been taken off the table by the OP.

OP, we know, has not traded in his car for a smaller automatic and I think it is strange that with 2 salaries and no housing costs that there would not be funds for the woman to have her own small automatic or to have some driving lessons. So there are some alarm bells and missing pieces of information for me.

This. Tell her you'll drive her to and from the interview but that's it. My DH also won't drive (and I won't let him tbh because he's so bad with a manual). It's fine most of the time as I enjoy driving but sometimes it's a pain in the arse.

So I would tell her that you won’t be moving if she gets the job. I suspect she is trying to bring your relationship to an end tbh.

What I don’t understand is the handwringing about the sort of car you have. Why wouldn’t you be able to drive a smaller car long distances? Millions of us manage that just fine. I have regularly driven my Fiesta 600 mile round trips.

Just get her a small automatic car she is comfortable with.

She's terrified.

Am I right she's from another country, possibly one where they drive on the other side, speak another language etc?

If you haven't driven much before, driving can be frightening.

She needs help. A gentle conversation about exactly what it is that's holding her back. Controlling your own exasperation and resentment - because that too can be frightening.

I think you need to go all out to encourage her to learn. Driving lessons for Christmas. She'll hate that but you need to stay strong. Otherwise because you've chosen to live somewhere isolated, she too is going to become more and more isolated.

And what happens if one of you gets ill, disabled? Any sort of emergency?

I'd drive her to the interview but say no - you won't be her taxi driver.

Learning to drive, a new job, new income - this could be just what she needs to build confidence.

Interestingly, I know more male non-drivers than female. So be careful with your assumptions.

Learning to drive, a new job, new income - this could be just what she needs to build confidence

She has a job where she lives onsite with the OP where they both work. She has an income.

The new job is an hour away, would probably necessitate them both moving, and then she would be onsite, but this would mean the OP has an hour commute to work there and back again each day. I don’t think this would build her confidence at all, it just means the OP would have 2 more hours in the car every day than they do now!

So how long should she be forced to live in this remote location just because her husband doesn't want to change jobs or have what most people would consider to be a normal commute?

Why do we think he is forcing her to live in a remote location?

They both live and work at the same place which give accommodation with their jobs.

I haven’t seen any posts saying the OP had been holding his wife hostage…

It sounds like she wants to move to a place that they would move to that gives her (again) no commute and him an hour commute. Would she still not be driving anywhere and expecting him to do it?!

I think the starting point is that they should try to live somewhere they're both happy to be living.

The OP appears to be ignoring the fact that his wife clearly doesn't want to live where they are currently living, and focusing on her fear of driving. But that's not the main issue - or it wouldn't be if they lived somewhere less remote.

I feel quite sorry for her, mostly because I know how it feels to lose your confidence with driving. You say she 'drives quite happily' in her home country which to me makes it obvious that her avoidance is anxiety related, not 'bone idleness'. Is she 'bone idle' in other parts of your shared life together, or just this?

I also hope she isn't on mumsnet!

Maybe, but I don't know any relationships/ marriages where the woman drives and the man doesn't!

I do!

Mine 🙈🙈🙈🙈

I do know one - well it was a marriage but she divorced him recently. He didn’t bother to try and learn - no particular reason for this other than he was generally lazy and liked her doing everything.

I have another friend learning to drive while her partner who is several years older than her doesn’t have any plans to. He
actually claims he knows how to drive informally from living abroad , but again he can’t be bothered to take tests and get a licence.

Book her some driving lessons as a Christmas present. She will get the hint.

I totally understand your frustration but she does need help to overcome this fear, which, to her, is perfectly rational. I was a driving instructor for over 32 years and I regularly helped both women and men deal with their fear of driving in the UK.
Get in touch with a local instructor with a lot of experience and a good reputation. Depending upon where she learnt to drive and how long she drove independently for, it could be a matter of a few lessons or many more. Buy her a small automatic car for extra practice and once she gains her confidence you can trade up to a bigger car.
With regard to driving her to the interview......do you talk about your frustration together? Be kind and take her, just support her in relearning and take it from there.

I'm 100% on your side with this. This would frustrate the heck out of me and I'd start resenting her for being so selfish.

The drinking while you can't drink is just an absolute p**s take! I'm sorry but she needs to get off her backside and woman up.

I get that she may be daunted by driving in the UK, fine, so she can book a few lessons with an instructor to get her confidence up.

If she gets the job, how will she get there?
I'd suggest you swap for an automatic and get her behind the wheel with you there for moral support. Country roads can be a bit daunting but she needs her independence.

Get her some lessons, she can improve/regain her skills/confidence - lessons with dual controls can give her less to worry about.

Are you serious?

You're not her dad. She doesn't care about your comfort at all.

I do think she needs to get over whatever it is holding her back. Our daughter moved to the UK, and yes, at first was stressed about driving there. She learned to drive in Europe, on the right side of the road, steeringwheel on the left. Of course you have to get used to UK-driving.Then the children were born, needed to be taken to nursery etc. Her husband did all the driving but that wasn't always practical, what with a fulltime demanding job. She took some refresher lessons and now drives everywhere like a big girl! In London of all places, much harder than where you live I think?