To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

When people show off their love for their partner on social media it’s usually for show and it makes me cringe

YABU. I don’t boast about my relationship at all on social media, but I will say that after meeting my partner I understood what contentment was. I am just happy. It works. We don’t bicker, fight, disagree. We enjoy each others company, our relationship doesn’t require work, it’s effortless and easy. I hope you find someone better OP. I do remember my mother saying she had never really been in love or found her person so it doesn’t happen for everyone.

I was genuinely happy with my husband and I know he was genuinely happy with me, we always kissed goodbye and goodnight and I was always happy to see his van arrive home on the drive (we didn't ever do the social media posting thing though, we didn't feel the need). We were equals and had mutual respect. My first marriage wasn't a happy one though and I experienced a lot of what you are talking about in it.

I love my DH and he loves me unconditionally as far as I know. I remind myself of that every so often when I feel like life sucks a bit

My husband went out to get me a Canesten peasant as I'd just had a massage and he didn't want my muscles to get cold

Nowt better than that

I'm sorry you've been treated like that. Genuinely happy relationships do exist, we've been married 40 years and still going strong, we have friends who are at similar stages. I have absolutely no idea what the answer is though.

PESSARY
NOT FUCKING PEASANT

A Canesten peasant made me laugh!

Your relationship sounds sad and lonely, OP. I don’t think that’s the norm - or it shouldn’t be.

My husband is my best friend and biggest supporter. He is consistently, quietly kind to me every day of my life. He goes out of his way to be supportive to me and to look after me. He cares about what matters to me and shows an interest in my interests. He’s proud of me and tells me so regularly. He tells me he loves me every day, he hugs and kisses me every day, he wants to spend time with me every day.

I don’t think this should be an unbelievable or unreachable standard. I think this is how relationships should be at a basic level. Your partner should enhance your life and make it better, easier and happier.

I’m single and am much happier single than in relationships. I am twice divorced.

However, I have very close friends who are genuinely really very happy with their husband. They love and respect each other.

The ones who seem happiest have something in common that I have noticed. They are ruthlessly and sometimes brutally honest in their communications. They don’t lie or bottle things up.

Too late 🤣 I'm seeing your DH dragging a peasant home

I've been with DP for over 40 years and although we have a few minor disagreements every so often, there has never been anything major.

In some ways we are chalk and cheese. We are both fairly easy going people and have never been entirely in each other's pockets. I trust him implicitly and I hope he does me. He certainly has never given me cause to think otherwise. Like a PP our relationship has never been hard work.

You need to stop worrying about others and leave this man.

If it turned out “everyone” is unhappy and true love doesn’t exist; you therefore feel that what you have is okay? Come on. Nothing is perfect and a lot of people only share highlights but even so….

You aren’t happy and this sounds awful.

You get peasants to apply them?!

Super happy with my DH, he's fab.

Why wouldn't you rather be single than in a relationship like that?

I remember in my first marriage, being genuinely amazed that some people seemed to respect their spouse, and seemed to enjoy their spouse's company. It was a very unhappy marriage and I was very glad to eventually get out of it. Do you enjoy being married, OP?

I'm the opposite. I had a wonderful first marriage. Next one has been like your first. Ironically it was the long marriage that was happy, easy, content and we loved each other and were best friends who stayed in lust for 20 years. So to me it has very little to do with length of marriage and more about whether you change and grow in ways that bring you closer or further apart, or whether the person is or becomes abusive etc.

If I'd only had the second marriage I'd have absolutely no idea what it would feel like to be at peace in a relationship where I felt so loved every day.

I’ve been with my husband 25 years, married 21, teenage kids. We’re genuinely very, very happy. We occasionally argue but always work hard to try and understand the other one’s point of view and do little things to make each other happy.

I have never once said on social media (or on the radio) how much I love him, how happy we are, etc. and I think often the ones who shout the loudest are the people who are trying to convince themselves and/or others that everything is great. One of my friends always used to write gushing anniversary posts, happy-looking pictures with “my world” captions etc. - they’re divorced now.

Yours doesn’t sound like a good relationship. I’d try and talk through your concerns together, see if you can work on things. If not then consider if you want to carry on living like this. You deserve a happy relationship and I can tell you there are plenty of happy couples out there.

I was so confused! Ha ha!

I'm sorry about your relationship. You deserve better. They certainly do exist, it's not a fairy tail of course and we have ups and downs but me and my DP are very happy. We're very different as some PPs have said but we love and care for each other very much and we make it know daily. What you're describing with your partner is not a relationship and you shouldn't normalise it just put up with it 'because'. I'm not saying LTB because there must having been something there to begin with? Could you talk with DP, share how you're telling and see it there is a way forward first?

Mine is the same - I don't get the big spectacular gifts, I don't want or need them - they mean nothing to me, it's the everyday support and it's never-ending. He's my best friend - 25 years on, I have no idea how I would cope without him. My parents had a shit marriage and I thought that was normal, so I never wanted to marry anyone but I think I've been very lucky.

I've been married 20 years. DH and I can drive each other round the bend at times but we love each other. It's the little things. I went to bed early last night full of a cold when he was out at his work leaving party. He came in very merry at god knows what time and spotted I hadn't set the coffee machine for the morning so did it and then quietly went to bed to not disturb me. I'd do exactly the same for him.

Been with dh ten years. Absolutely love him to bits.

We've known each other since we started uni, turning 50 soon!!!

🤣🤣🤣