To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

But i never assumed my family and people around me relationships was the way everyone was and everyone acted the same

Even as a child i knew there was a big wide world out there and no individual nor relationship is the same as the next person or couple

Why is it so hard for people to understand that we are not all the same

Yonder peasant, who is he?

I know an amazing elderly couple, they take care of each other but it’s the mental connection they have, they are really different people but just completely in synch.

I would say we are happy, DH does things like take my trousers to the tailor to be adjusted, always thoughtful. We do have rows but they are rare and it’s because we are both a bit short tempered and grumpy. It’s not perfect but it is happy.

I have known couples where they look great from the outside but are actually quite unhappy. So you never really know tbh.

I’m same as you no big gestures from either of us and I also was brought up with parents who hated each other. My daughter ice skates and when it’s winter he puts a hot water bottle in bed for when I get home or will make me a salad for the odd occasion I go in the office. That’s love to me, not flowers and declarations in front of other people or on the radio.

Your post really made me sad, OP. Not because I'm in a happy relationship ... I'm happily single! But because I remember how lonely and soul-destroying it is to be in a shit relationship.
Please do yourself a favour and move on!

I did wonder 🤣🤣

You both sounds unhappy and tbh you have hardly covered yourself in glory

It takes two to tango and there are kids involved so wake up and sort your relationship out!!

I think you both sound a little drained from life and childminding. Mid life crunch.

I ve witnessed happy relationships, I think they go back to being happy once life s burdens ease.

Some people get a lot of support and don't experience life's rawness to the same extent, it's easy to be happy when you live in a bubble.

That pretty much describes my relationship with my DH of 43 years. He has just brought me a cup of tea in bed.

DD says that her friends and workmates are incredulous that DH and I don't shout at each other or argue all the time.

Yep, I'd agree with this. I remember reading somewhere that "all marriages take hard work" as if it was this unavoidable wisdom and thinking - no they don't, mine is just easy.

We don't bicker or argue, and whilst we're not doing big lavish gifts all the time, we do say I love you and hug all the time - probably daily - and support each other 100%.

Isn't there middle ground? I love my partner and we are happy together, but I could live without him. I'd have to if I couldn't live with him. I think most of us muddle along in the middle.

This is really sad, not only that you are so unhappy in your relationship but also that the way you view things to think that it's how relationships are. Its the most significant relationship in your life and it should definitely be a positive one, perhaps it's time to move on if he's not willing to put the work in?

I love my partner of 20 years to bits , we have very different personalities, but I think thats what makes it work .

Before I met my current DH I was like you and genuinely didn't think people had genuine relationships, full of love and respect. I had been in several bad relationships and was very cynical. I also thought all men were cheats, porn addicts and inheritently selfish.

However, this outlook changed (although very slowly) when I met my current DH. He is truly my best friend, and I his. He cooks for me, listens to me, tells me I'm beautiful every single day. When he is away for work he's sends me a good morning text everyday, and continues to message throughout the day asking how I am/ what I'm up to. When I am sad he will try his best to make me happy. When the kids have overwhelmed me he'll get them ready and take them out so I can have the house to myself. I told him early doors that I did not like the use of porn as I had previous relationships with bad experiences with it. He now does not even think about looking at it (yes I know some of you may not believe that is true) and tells me how he completely understands how damaging it can be and respects me and my wishes. He also buys me presents randomly. I have just qualified in my dream profession and no yet working so I don't have an income coming in... I was worried about Christmas present... but he has already budgeted for everything and put money aside. He has also put money aside for present for all my side of the family. I told him I couldn't get him and expensive gift so please don't get me one... he was having none of it and told me he will gifting me exactly what I want and more stocking fillers.

Anyway, I never boast about my relationship, but I guess what I mean to point out is... do not settle and set the bar low. I am just so grateful I get to spend my days with this man.... and I do deserve it, because I have been treated awfully in the past (abusive relationships).

I’m never think about Thrush in the same way.

Been with my partner nearly 6 year's, and I absolutely adore him, he's my best friend, we are always affectionate with each other.

We don't declare our lives on social media or share extravagant gifts, but I wouldn't want my life without him in it.

I don’t big up my pa

I haven’t voted as I am a widow, but I know a lot of very happy couples who I spend time with, so I know it’s genuine. I couldn’t stay in a relationship like yours. I don’t undershot joy you get from it.

1. relationships change over time as anything does. Good times and bad times, ups and downs.

2. people are fake on and off social media.

3. if your relationship is ok for you, that’s fine, we all look for different things. If it’s not ok, communicate. Seek improvements. Try something new.

My relationship is nearly 20 years old and we are nearly 40 with three kids. Relationship was great in the first 4-5 years. Good enough in the next 5-6. Then tough when the kids came along, took commitment on both sides to stay together. Now they’re all in primary school it’s getting better, we still bicker but also starting to get intimacy and understanding back. Any relationship is hard to maintain, lots of people bullshit too.

We've been together 26 years, we've had our ups and downs but I know me and the kids will always be dh priority over anything else.
The shit has really hit the fan for me health wise recently and it's really made me realise how lucky I am to have him. I can't imagine how hard the last few months would have been without him.
It's also made me realise what really matters, life to short to be unhappy.

I like to show my love for my husband and children. What you give out comes back. Tenfold!

Pressed send to soon!
We have worked hard on our relationship over the years though. We don't let issues slide and we talk about our problems. We have changed and grown together over the years. We are very different people than we were when we got together in our twenties!

I understand OP although it is a bit different in that my DH is pleasant, and kind and we are very close friends.

The difficulty I'm having is that we haven't any sexual or romantic connection really. I appreciate he is attractive, but in the way you might think your lovely cousin was a handsome chap. We have very little sex life or intimacy. I have no real desire to connect or spend time with him on his own.

We have a young family and from that perspective we work well. We're a team, we're in sync, as a family unit we are happy and safe and content. As a couple though, we are not. (Or at least I'm not.)

I don't know where to go from here.

No. That was “Serf’s Up”.

I've had 2 long term relationships one long engagement one married. Am single now am much happier. I don't really know anyone who is really happy in their relationship (well close friends and family). My parents divorced when I was a baby probably that was a bad start for me.