To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

When people make this clichéd sweeping statement it’s usually by those who are jealous of other people’s happy relationships and it makes me cringe.

They do exist. I hope you find better 🥰

i have been with dh for 20 years. I would say 95% of the time I am really happy.

we are definitely more in love then we were at 16 .

he does sometimes do stupid stuff that annoys me, (obviously I don’t have such failings) and that’s the bits we tend to moan about to others I suppose.

But they do exist

Yah, I've actually got Canesten Peasant's first album, it's an eclectic blend of wistful folk and electro-grunge.

Cheese alert - my DH is my best mate. We just get on really well, and we'd be friends even if we weren't partners. We're happy. Not going to say we don't sometimes argue or do each other's heads in, but we always resolve it quickly and there's no lack of affection between us. We do like similar music and telly and so on, I suppose.

You deserve to be happy. Relationships should make your life better and easier I think.

My DH came and picked me up from work today as it was raining, cooked me some chips before he went out. He sorted out the washing, I did the shopping. We have a laugh. He's deeply itrritating at t8mes...but so am I.

Oh come now! You can't really think that everyone has a shit relationships. Why bother if that was the case. My husband has told me he loves me at least 3 times today. Every day we make each others lives better in some way. I'd end things if that ever changed.

Was that the one called 'itchy when red' or was that their second one?

My husband is my best friend... Cliche but true. Not without our own problems but genuinely happy and love him so much. 15 years together. 2 kids. Supportive, kind, brilliant father, does stupid shit to make us laugh, patience of a saint. Again not without our issues, no one is perfect. But yeah, genuinely happy.

So...I don't post on social media or call into radio shows but yeah happy relationships exist. Dh is my ultimate supporter and cheerleader, he calls me out (in a helpful way) on shitty behaviour so I'm a better person by being with him. He's smart, funny and all my friends think I'm 'so lucky'.
But... It's not just luck, we've talked, negotiated and grown together (I'm in the old but not so wrinkly camp). We've held each other to account and would both rather walk than put up with crappy behaviour. We have common values and goals and have been determined to model to our kids healthy disagreement/discussion and resolution. We talk productively a lot. This is key....communicating about difference and disagreement and reaching a compromise is a huge skill to learn and utter so vital....

I am over 3 decades into a blissfully happy relationship with the best person I’ve ever known. Most of my friends can say the same.

I am very happy with my dh.
We are very similar. We have the same fundamental beliefs. We hold the same political views, social views and general opinions. We do a lot things together but do go out alone too.
Life with dh is just easy, comfortable like it is with a best friend. Yet we do not take each other for granted. I always make an effort to look good when we are together. This is a second marriage for both of us. It wasn’t like this with my first husband. No matter how hard I tried I knew deep, deep down that I wasn’t that important to him.
Dh tells me he loves me every day. We kiss each other every day. He would do anything for me and vice versa. We both make an effort.
I didn’t think love like this would ever be mine after splitting up with my first dh. We don’t argue. We think alike. He is the male version of me.
I think it is down to chance though. Chance brings you together.

It does sound as if you've got into a massive rut with each other. If I were you I'd try to have some couples therapy, because whatever happens you're going to have to co-parent and communicate somehow.

I was married to my late dh for 15 years and it was not easy at all, but he did his very best to love me despite being very ill. We had some extraordinarily happy times, he was a really special man.

I'm with dp now and I have a very inconvenient problem which is that I miss him horribly when he's not there. That's never happened to me before. I always previously loved being single, and I still have lots of things I want to do alone, but I have to grit my teeth and deal with missing dp while I do them. It is always a happy moment when he comes home. Everyone deserves that imo.

Relationships change over time but yours doesn’t sound right. We are more quietly content with each other now, and we are both happier and more relaxed when we’re together.

We have ups and downs of course but don’t really argue. The downs have tended to bring us closer together because we approach problems as a team.

Doesn’t mean he isn’t an annoying git who couldn’t find the washing machine if he tripped over it. But he’d say the same about me and the hoover!

It’s hard to know what a ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ relationship looks like, but I hope all the different insights you’re getting here help.

No, I didn’t. I thought that a whingy/ moany relationship was normal… my mum used to always moan at my dad. Then I would join her in this as I could see how unfair things were split between them… but now I’m in the same place so figured, oh maybe this is what happens?! My sister moans about her hubby all the time too… my other sister appears to be happily married but I’m not a fan of her husband… he comes across as controlling and I don’t like it. The couple who were instrumental in getting DP and me together, have just announced they are getting divorced after probably 20 years together…

I was out with friends the other week and was saying how cute some married friends are to another friend who is also married. I said, “pity it’s the minority” and she looked at me like I was mad… and told me how much she loves her husband… I felt stupid. I thought my experience was the majority, not the minority.

Have a look at the thread You never know what's going on behind closed doors, which is trending at the moment. You'll see that there are many relationships that fall very far short of ideal. But it doesn't mean that you should put up with a miserable partnership. You might be much happier alone.

Long term relationships go through phases. My relationship was really happy, then we had kids and it became rough. I fell out of love. Suspect I also had undiagnosed depression. Then the kids got a bit older there was more time for everything else, we got more sleep, things were generally brighter and we fell back in love. Now our relationship is really good again. I think young kids, and some other life events, can use up so much of your buffer that you stop enjoying things, including some relationships.

Was your relationship ever happy?

We’ve been together coming up 22 years, married 20. Don’t get me wrong we have arguments and can bicker but 99% of the time we enjoy each others company we do things to make each other smile. He makes me a lovely breakfast on a weekend while I sleep in, I make his favourite dinners after a long day at work etc. We text during the day, hug and kiss each other every day etc. Our kids are older now and we are loving being able to nip off on a weekend shopping or for a coffee just the two of us.

I think so. I’m sure it was once. I remember him doting on me, cooking for me, treating us to holidays… marking anniversaries, etc.

We have had a lot of stuff happen in perhaps the last 5 ish years… 3rd DC was born, FIL died, all my grandparents died, I had to change my career thanks to covid, then MIL died… I guess I’ve just been waiting for things to get better but they haven’t. I’ve suggested couples therapy - he hasn’t said no, but then he’s not looked into it either… I’m going to get something arranged and if that doesn’t work then I’m off. I don’t care if I ever experience love again, I just don’t want to feel this unloved all the time.

Yes I would agree with this as well. Some of the years were a hard slog but as above we are really enjoying our time again now.

No we never see the true picture, just what they want you to see.

No 100% happy relationships exist - that doesn't mean that such relationships are unhappy either, though.

I'm saying YABU though most people won't fit into either of your options in terms of how they see relationships.

Married to my best friend. The most valuable thing we have is time on this planet and I am so thankful this kind, generous spirited man has spent the last twenty years with me. He's a phenomenal parent and does the lion's share of all the parenting tasks. When we go on holiday I literally just need to remember my own stuff as he has thought of literally everything for the kids and packed it. He's even tempered, good natured, and easy going. He's got nice friends and his family adore him. Why the everlasting hell he is with me I will never know, but as long as he doesn't figure out he punched below his weight, all is well!

Together for 14 years. Had our ups and downs but no matter what, our feet always find eachother in bed. He always makes me/offers me a cuppa/sandwich. Just a wiggle of my foot near him and he'll automatically give it a rub. I enjoy trimming his beard for him, making him a decent dinner like homemade curry/lasagna/pizza when he gets in from work and make sure the house is tidy... We've always been considerate of eachother. Even through the bad times, we've never been spiteful towards eachother.

Don't waste your one life thinking you should be miserable. Don't settle. Don't stick with someone who doesn't strive to make sure you're ok in many little ways.

Married 15 years, together 20.

I am very content in my relationship. It's easy, comfortable and loving. We r a good team, never really argue. I hope we grow old together.

My relationship is like yours, OP. I also thought that was the norm. I don't know anyone irl who is happily married, I don't think.
This thread makes depressing reading. I mean - I'm happy that you are all so happy, but...