To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

My first marriage was like this. Ex husband used to tell me ‘this is just what marriage is like’ and told me that other people appearing to be happily married was fake. I couldn’t accept this and decided that if this really was what marriage is like, then I don’t want to be married anymore!

Not re-married but been with partner for 5 years and whilst it’s not perfect, he is very kind to me and is so responsive when I ‘complain’ about anything in the relationship. We communicate and listen to each other. I think that’s the key, being able to say when you’re not happy and for the other person to care enough to do something about it.

TBF, I specifically said that 'not 100% happy' doesn't mean they are unhappy. It wasn't intended as 'accept misery' in any way, just that not 100% happy doesn't mean bad. 🙂

I think the question you're actually asking isn't whether happy relationships exist, but more whether people are genuinely happy in relationships. I know they sound the same, but they're not.

I think most people are happy/comfortable in relationships... that's easy. Two people, a house, kids... most people with a job can achieve that.

But how many relationships are both people legitimately, genuinely excited to wake up in the morning to see their partner? Sure, most people would say they trust their partner, there's nowhere they'd rather be, etc, but there's a big difference between that (the comfort), and if you could 'design' your perfect view, would they be in it? Could you line up a million men and really not look twice, could they say anything and it be laughed off?... Most love is conditional.

I don’t know where the social media things came from?! As a lot of people have mentioned it. I didn’t. It was more that I’d been thinking about happy relationships recently and then listened to the radio where people were ringing in to say nice things about their partners/ family members… I just starting thinking, I wonder if they mean that?!

I certainly don’t want that or any huge romantic gestures… what I would like is some respect and maybe some signs of affection.

Last week we argued, I was crying and said that I felt like he doesn’t care about me. He was standing across the room and didn’t budge. He didn’t say anything to counter what I’d just said either… it really hurt.

Today he met a friend for a coffee. It was all a bit last minute. It meant that I had to do all the running around with the kids - dragging the others out as well. It was a tad annoying but not my main gripe… the week before last I went to the same cafe with the kids… they all chose a cake to bring home and enjoy. I bought myself something as well and bought something for DP, plus something for him to have for lunch as he was dashing off that afternoon. He returns from the cafe today completely empty handed and didn’t even say thanks to me for doing all the running around this morning to that he could meet his mate. He then disappeared off upstairs for a bit.

We just sort of exist in the same house, we don’t watch TV together, we don’t talk to each other about anything, except for the kids. I hate Saturdays… we got through today without arguing. Phew. Last Saturday we argued all day and I cried myself to sleep.

Sorry to hear that OP. There are genuinely happy relationships but only when both parties choose to be happy in it. When one of them doesn’t make the effort it can’t function at a happy place. I haven’t managed to succeed in this either as I was always the one to put the effort in. (I’ve given them up completely now because I can’t stomach another moody, selfish or thoughtless man in my life).

OP, I wouldn't normally say LTB, but for some reason I really feel so sad for you that you've found yourself in this position. You really don't have to put up with this these days you know, and both you, and your kids deserve to live in a happy atmosphere, not one of misery. He's clearly not happy either, if he can't even be bothered to reassure you, or give a thought to you and the kids, which he clearly didn't, as he came home today empty handed. Do you have any plans to leave him? If not, then I think perhaps you should start thinking about it. Please don't waste your life feeling unhappy and unappreciated.

He doesn’t care. Nothing you do will be recognized or reciprocated. All your love and nice gestures are like pouring tea into the desert snd trying to moisten it.

Yes, after last Saturday’s row I decided to go and view a house for rent down the road… it was lovely, small and cosy but perfect location, space for me and the kids and pets are welcome too. I applied for it but found out yesterday that I didn’t get it. I was gutted. I’d pretty much mentally moved in and it was lovely! Hey ho.

So this was the context of me driving home, listening to all the loved up people calling in to Sara Cox, whilst balling my eyes out over a house I never had. There’s nothing else really up for rent at the moment so I’ll have to wait it out a bit… I do still have my first house, which I rent out, but I’m not about to serve notice on my tenant this close to Xmas. I sent some emails to some couples counsellors today… that might help in the interim, or indeed in the long term, who knows?

Thank you everyone for your comments.

OP I was thinking something similar whilst listening to dedications for love songs on the radio! Tbf my partner does tell me he loves me, we've been together two years. I'm a bit fed up at times, but sort of think I'm not going to find any better (I'm late fifties) so will stick with him. I don't dislike him, of course, just he irritates me at times and I don't agree with some things he says. I've given up on the idea of finding someone who's also my best friend and who I can't imagine being parted from.

I wouldn't give up on the account of your age. My mum met her lovely partner at 60. My aunt married someone she knew as a child and they bumped into each other at another family member's gathering. They were both late 50s.
You still have half your life ahead of you. Do you really think it is better to settle for "meh" than risk being happily single?

I echo everyone that has said both parties need to make the effort to create a happy relationship. It can happen. If one party doesn’t nudge and is stubborn and horrible, it can make a relationship unpleasant. It sounds like your Oh has given up for some reason - he doesn’t sound like a nice person. I do not blame you for wanting to leave. Your children also deserve to feel better.

Funnily enough my first relationship we were like the best of friends - we have a daughter together - our highs were high but our lows were awful!! We argued so much and he was reluctant to change. Not big changes, but small things. For example with my current partner we are also best buddies but we are also super open and we try our best to make things work - and change bad habits. We also do nice things for eachother. Everything feels so simple.

I realised relationships are also about how two personalities come together. Can we handle our worst aswell as best . My current relationship feels happy - yes we have our moments but never as eruptive as the first relationship where we seemed to know how to push each others buttons without even trying.

Im 33 and single by choice. Every single relationship and marriage i know of is either toxic, unhappy or boring. It's one of the main reasons i refuse to settle. Life is too short to be unhappy or settle just to say you're in a relationship, or to not be alone (which i bloody love btw lol).
People don't change unless they have therapy/strong intervention, so if someone isn't very tactile and you raise this, they will try for a week or so, but it will tail off because it's not true. I think people rush into marriage and then they reflect and realise they have f'ed up. I hope you do whatever makes you happy OP, wishing you all the best x

Is that boring according to you or them? I’m a similar age to you and happily married, as are many of my friends. Sometimes relationships can look boring on the outside if they are just stable with no drama, but that’s not how the people feel who are actually in the relationship.

It’s sad you know of so many unhappy couples! But as this thread shows there are lots of happy partnerships out there.

@Plastictrees i completely hear you, and its lovely you have a loving relationship x i dont know what goes on behind closed doors, i can only go by what they say and all i ever hear is how boring and sad it is. They present a happy front, but i get late night messages and calls crying about how sh*t it is.

Whether single or in a relationship, if youre happy then you are winning at life 😊

Yes absolutely- and feeling alone in a relationship is the worst kind of loneliness I think. I was single for many years following an abusive relationship and had a ball! I adored living on my own and it was a really happy time in my life. It probably meant I was in a good mental place when I met my now DH, but I’m really glad I spent a good chunk of time single.

They absolutely do exist op.
My DH drives me up the fucking wall with his snoring, leaving stuff in random places, making the loudest brew in the world, not listening, being oblivious to mess etc etc
But I also love him with my whole soul and I wouldn’t want to be without him. He has many more positives than negatives, it’s just nice to have a whinge sometimes when they’re doing your head in.

As a PP has said, insta perfect families on social media are almost always completely fake. The happy and secure relationships tend to be the ones where they can have a whinge about each other

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP, you applied for another house so you know this relationship is not what you want. After Xmas serve notice on your tenants and move into your own home.

Happy relationships absolutely do exist, I have one. That's not to say it's perfect, we argue occasionally (maybe once or twice a year), he snores and leaves his socks on the sofa but I know he worships me and he does a lot to show this.

In a relationship you should feel loved, supported, encouraged, safe, and content.

I just think there won't be any better out there.