To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

3 kids, youngest under 5, sounds like you are deep in the hardest bit of parenting to me.

I wouldn’t discount the idea that things will just get better, but I think it would be unwise to assume they will. Therapy sounds like a good step.

Same here.
First time we got to a position of barely tolerating one another and were just unhappy.
I too used to look at other couples who were still enamoured with each other and wonder if I'd ever experience it.
My, now, fiancé and I are both equally besotted. We are genuinely happy, we laugh together daily and he is my closest friend. It feels light and easy.

My first marriage was like your relationship now Op. There is nothing more lonely than being in the same room as someone who just doesn't want to be there. If I went to sit next to him he would find a reason to get up. If I tried to walk beside him he would speed up. He would have sex with me in the dark without any affection at all. I was just a hole. Stupidly I was still devastated when he left me. My family just didn't do divorce. I felt such a failure whilst he zipped around in his sexy new life. My second marriage is another world. We've been together for 23 years,married for 21. He makes the good stuff twice as good and the bad stuff had as bad. Don't waste your life Op.

I know a few where it is genuinely perfect.
My sisters for a start but there is no sex between them so more like friends but he completely worships her and she has a perfect and easy life with him providing for her. As for the they don't have sex so it can't be perfect thing, yes to many it would be a deal breaker but for them it works.
Then an old boss of mine who cheated his way through several marriage and family set ups but is now old and so totally blissful with his partner who for some reason, still thinks the sun shines out of him.

This is just misery masking as wisdom. A relationship doesn’t have to be 100% perfect to be perfect and happy. It us being able to be yourself, warts and all, and to tolerate your partner’s imperfections that enable us to have these long , happy, relationships. But the one person who doesn’t think my imperfections are a problem is my dh. And I find his foibles endearing. So we are imperfect people who are blissfully happy together.

married for 25 years 4 adult children. We’re very much in love and happy, we know we are lucky. My DH puts my coffee on every night so it’s on in the morning, runs me baths etc, we are both loving and respectful to each other and laugh a lot. We have friends who we see for dinner etc but we’re not party animals, we just quietly get on with our lives.
You deserve more OP, my DH is as proud as punch to hold my hand.

Yes. I’ve know of at least two or three really happy long relationships. I’ve one friend who’s been married forty years and I don’t think she’s had a single bad day in that marriage. They laugh a lot and hold hands as if they’re still newlyweds (no kids, which might help). I’ve not been as fortunate.

There are all kinds of relationships, OP - everyone is different. My partner last told me he loved me, probably 25+ years ago, but that doesn't make us unhappy - we just don't like fuss. If he put a message for me on the radio, I would be appalled and think it was tacky and nauseating. But that's just me/us.
Don't compare yourself with other people - all that matters is whether you are happy. If you're not, then time to do something about it.

It’s not about perfection, it’s about love and caring and that isn’t always consistent there’s highs and lows but there’s an expectation of what life should look look and feel like and if it‘s not looking like that is not an acceptable place to be and a chat needs to be had - nothing should be left to dwindle, if both parties show no willing you have to consider your future together you have your answer.

That's exactly what happens to relationships over time, my partner and I hardly kiss or hold hands, we're 8 years in it's normal.

Remember people are very selective on what they tell others. Me and DP have had a really shit week, I was ready to leave on Wednesday but I told my coworker how he bought me a surprise present this week as it was from a shop I love, she thought he was a great partner, but it's all selective as I wouldn't share how he's really acted this week...

I have been married for 9 years. Kids haven't come but I am pregnant. When I told him I only wanted 1 child and would get the iud (never bothered in the past due to ttc and infertility), he immediately said he would get a vasectomy as he knows that I don't get on well with hormonal contraception and he once was in a & e next to a woman who had a bit of a mishap with a copper iud (so doesn't like the idea of me on a copper iud).

We kiss and cuddle everyday, he is far more domesticated and cooks for me. He also learned how to cook meals from my home country to the extent that when he used to take packed lunches to work, people couldn't believe that he made them and thought that I must have been the cook. He tells me he loves me everyday. When I got pregnant, he got so excited he started various trackers to monitor my diet and he reads up on what are the best foods to feed a pregnant woman.

We obviously fight sometimes. We have been through some stuff like the time I booked an expensive trip for his birthday (as it is difficult to get things for him) and he kinda sulked a bit at first (claimed he couldnt sleep on the sleeper train). I only found out afterwards he was just anxious about the money as he was going through a difficult time at work (and we had already booked quite a few holidays; though obviously we did have the money but I probably wouldn't have booked if I knew about the work issues). He did cheer up a bit once we reached but at that time, I felt hurt that he didn't appreciate me. I only realized afterwards that he was worried but didn't want to worry me. So communication is important.

That's exactly what happens to relationships over time, my partner and I hardly kiss or hold hands, we're 8 years in it's normal.

^ no this isn't normal. Loads of us have said the opposite to this. That affection is still going strong after 20+ years. If this is not how it used to be then this is a reflection of your deteriorating relationship.

You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. It's great that lots of people are happy in the relationships they are in but some people (myself included) know that to be truly happy they need to be alone. Some people like to have lots of different, possibly overlapping, relationships to feel happy. We aren't all made from the same mould and the idea that we should all meet "the one" at some point between the ages of 16 and 30 and then spend the next 50 years in quiet contentment is, frankly, crazy. But some people do and good for them. I know that being independent, and self-reliant gives me a lot more personally than being attached to someone else will ever do but I don't expect others to feel the same way. You just need to find your thing, your groove, and work on what makes you happy, forget about other people.

OP that's so sad 😞

How long have you been married?

We're at 14 years, two DC and really very happy still. DH tells me he loves me daily. You deserve better x

This is my second long relationship. I would describe it as very happy. I feel that is an equal relationship, we care for each other, share the load, whether that is housework or emotional labour. But we met late in life, after other relationships which were less successful.

I think there are quite a few happy couples in this world, who genuinely adore one another, but when your own relationship is devoid of spontaneous affection and all the little routines which make life pleasant [good manners, holding hands, kissing good night, sitting on the same sofa etc etc] it is almost impossible to believe that real love exists…and not only exists but can be a permanent feature of a marriage.
When you share your life with an emotionally selfish person, and the changes which would really make a difference, are in the scheme of things quite modest eg a kiss, a word of encouragement, gentleness etc etc, it is very hard on the spirit. Try not to be too cynical about these things, or too envious. In my experience an awful lot of people who have shared a deep love, have often endured some loss in life. A lot of people are unlucky in love, they just have to make the best of things but it is hard.

I thought this was normal because it was what I grew up with. I also saw it with the parents of lots of my school friends. Parents ended up hating each other and divorcing, or living together in a spiteful relationship.

Then, one time we were visiting my OH's parents, maybe only a couple of years after we'd met, and they kissed each other goodbye when one of them went to leave the house and it really surprised me. This couple had been married for nearly thirty years by that point and they still kissed!

It's hard to overstate the extent of my surprise. Even now, more than a decade later, it's still a vivid feeling.

Sounds like you need to be in a different relationship, I wouldn’t be happy with what you describe either. Life’s too short.

Yes, happy relationships do exist 100%. Been with DH nearly 30 years and he is still far and away my absolute favourite person. We rarely argue, still make each other laugh, say 'I love you' daily... and we're probably having better sex now than we ever have! On all levels, we are genuinely happy.

Yes! One is so influenced by what one saw growing up. It influences the way one naturally choses to be (affectionate or distant, attentive or avoidant). My parents and my DH’s family could not be more different and I couldn’t stand my MIL but he learned the same thing I did which is that you love and care for your prime person with affection and generosity of spirit because thats the way you feel. At 92 my parents still kiss coming and going.

@bluebeck I agree with the brutal honesty. I am straightforward (not in a rude way) and don’t wait for things to pile up before I speak up which I think has helped with our relationship. I also make sure I check in with DH regularly as he isn’t the kind to bring things up unless they really bother him (and for a while) and I don’t think we should wait for issues to build up.

YABU.

Genuinely, these relationships exist. I'm in one and have been for nearly two decades. Even when we argue he's my favourite person in the world.

Please find someone who loves you deeply. Everyone deserves that.

I fell out of love in my long term relationship years ago but plodded on for years until last year when we split. I've always wondered how people manage to keep that spark alive and remain in love.
from what I've witnessed the vast majority of friends and family members relationships are mostly unhappy. just look at how high the divorce rates are in the UK and how common affairs are etc. although I'm sure there are many genuinely happy long term relationships out there but they do seem to be in the minority.

OP- my previous 14.5 year relationship was like this. I was so lonely, bored and lacking attention and felt so unwanted and so unloved and used to think it was 'the norm'.
I've been with my new partner for just over a year, and I used to have the exact same outlook and thoughts as you ie everyone whinges and isn't happy, if they are they're lying... but since meeting my new partner, he's completely different and has shown me what true love is and feels like.
It feels amazing and it's something I never thought I'd experience, please don't settle for this, there is so much better out there, and someone will be out there who loves you and cares and will make you feel how you deserve to feel. X

yes they do exist, they laugh a great deal and really enjoy each other