To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

DH is the love of my life. Send marriage for both of us, together almost 13 years. Both age 54.

He makes me cappuccino every morning before work after he's taken the dog out while I do my morning exercise.

We both WFH mostly and he makes teas and coffees throughout the day. I do make lunch for us both usually.

He comes and hugs me during the days and says nice things to me. He tells me he loves me regularly.

I'm happy with him, no complaints.

Second not send marriage.

Well, I’m sure a Canesten peasant would be very effective. If not very nice for the peasant.

OP, surely you didn’t think that just because your own relationship is unhappy that everyone else’s is?

My life has taught me that good relationships are hard work. But it’s so worth it! My DH is my ultimate person - he makes me so happy.

He’s also the most patient man I know. I met him when he was 19 and he was a twunt back then 😂 now in our 40s and he’s an absolute gem (and has been since we got serious in our 20s)

I too am sorry that you haven't experienced the love of a good man OP. I've been with my DH 32 years, married for 25. We're both disabled, and in pain every single day, but we love each other, look after each, other depending on who's in most pain at the time, and we laugh together, ALL the time. He's my best friend, and I'm his. I dread the possibility of him dying first, and quite honestly think that I won't want to carry on without him, if that's the order of things. We truly are soul mates!

In all honesty, I would counsel you to live alone rather than be miserable with your current partner. That way you only have to live with, and tolerate your own problems, rather than having to put up with some arsehole, who clearly doesn't give a tinker's cuss for you and your wellbeing. If he doesn't add to your happiness OP, then he's really not worth having.

My sons adore their OHs and it is utterly reciprocated

What do you mean by hard work - I've been married for 25 years and I'd never call it hard work - maybe I just don't feel it's work but what do you do that feels like that much of an effort?

This is such bullshit. Its not responsive to OP’s question and its not useful.

Yes: people csn be in happy, living, relationships. I am in one (married 30 years). My brother is in one—he adores his wife and she him. My parents have been generously in love for about 88 years, married for 70! Still dote upon each other.

Leave your dh and find someone who treasures you. He us a lousy husband because of who he is, not because of who you are.

OP, I know exactly what you mean. I needed to believe all relationships were shit because mine was.

I didn't want to believe something different was possible. It still hurts when I see couples who respect each other, who want to see the other happy, who admire each other.

Hurts like hell.

I've been single for 5 years, never found this for me, but I'm much happier now. I have respectful and affectionate relationships with my kids and friends, have lots of therapy and that's it :)

There are good relationships and bad relationships and relationships which are a mixture of the two. Some of them require no work at all, and some of them require quite a bit of work.
Your partner can make you a cup of tea every day and a big extravaganza on your birthday but be otherwise aloof. Or he can be supportive in every possible way and yet not make you a single hot drink or say he loves you.
That's not the point. The point is that some relationships make you feel great and some don't. And a lot of the time people are too afraid to change anything so they carry on in these lukewarm relationships for years. Be brave and make a change.

Jesus christ, I read this as 'canastan pheasant' and was imagining you trying to stuff an anti fungal pheasant up your foof.

I'm still confused about how that's going to keep you warm after a massage 😂

Do people not realise with the billions of people on the planet everyone relationship is not the same, not sure if it is the endless speaking more time people living in their own heads or social media but this idea that everyone has the same experiences is weird

OP, you're a lovely partner. So you know they exist. It just happens that you aren't married to one.

Then we all tell you our stories and what do you do? FWIW I had one like yours, divorced him. I now have DH, who is great. Not perfect, but great. Cooked breakfasts and 'I love yous'. You can leave.

My parents' marriage was unspeakably terrible and I remember being surprised when friends' parents seemed to like and respect each other, and that their home life was peaceful and full of love, support and joy.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m still giggling at the Canesten Peasant comment, then I’d be crying… (thank you for that!)

I’m not happy. I’m not actually married. Its never appealed to me. I don’t want any big gestures or social media posts but a live-in best friend would be nice.

We argue a lot. He probably thinks he supports me in that he doesn’t discourage me from doing stuff… but he also doesn’t enable me to do stuff either… if that makes sense.

It is not easy. It is hard. We rarely laugh together, unless we’re laughing at something one of the DCs has done - as in they’re being silly or cute or something.

If I left then I think I’d just rather be on my own… I loved being single. I was happy. Something has shifted and I feel like I no longer deserve this.

Yes they exist…
We never post anything on social media but for example today I had a 5 hour drive back from a work event. My husband mentioned on the phone he fancied a certain treat and I stopped on my way home to grab it (after driving 4 and a half hours straight with no break).
When I got home he had ran me a candle lite bath with a cup of tea waiting for me because I’d had a long drive.

After my bath, we sat down to watch a show together and he had already put a bar of chocolate next to my seat for me to eat.

Together 16 years so far.

This. And just because he's declaring his love on the radio doesn't mean he isn't shitting on her behind her back. Also, a lot of these adoring husbands (in my experience) are on their second marriage and keeping a "newer model" happy - for now.

I have been with my partner 22 years tomorrow and we are genuinely in a happy relationship. We are not big showy people so it's not about big gestures but the small things, buying a treat for each other for example. He is a really thoughtful and kind person, actually much better at gifts than me. We are very much a team with the children and with cooking for each other etc.

Me too!

I think people are getting side tracked by OP use of the example of the radio show or social media posts. Whether thise are real or not is not the issue—she wants that feeling of being loved, cherished, admired by her spouse. That love and affection certainly exists between many life partners.

OP the most important thing is that you are not happy and you know it. That is precious information. Your marriage snd partnership should make you happy and content. Why? Because otherwise what a fucking waste if time.

If you want to be treated lovingly, considerately, thoughtfully by your dh that is not too great a demand to make of the universe. Get out and rebuild your life and if you happen to meet a great partner, well and good, but at least you won’t be treated like dirt on the shoe of your current husband.

I was wondering about that! 😆
OP, I think shit relationships are all too commonplace, but I do believe some people have genuinely happy ones too. My first ‘proper’ boyfriend made me feel very special, but everyone else since (except my last ex, but I had other things going on that made the relationship untenable on my part in the end) has been very half arsed at best.

I’m sorry you’re relationship is so crap, it shouldn’t be that way, why are you still together?

I was utterly miserable in my first marriage, never understood how people stayed together for decades. Then I met my DH, together for 20 years and very happy. He’s an absolute rock to me, our marriage has never been hard work, we are best friends, have so much fun together and I couldn’t imagine or want to imagine my life without him

Oh OP you deserve to be happy! Happy relationships are real but you can be happy on your own too. The worst kind of loneliness is to be with someone but feeling alone. It sounds like things really need to change. I hope you can be brave!

I was you, when I was with my exH. He was selfish, unloving, and just generally an arsehole. I didn't "get" good relationships, or really understand that loving companionship that my friends had with their other halves.

Mr Pony and I have been together for six years. It's totally different. We live each other's company and do stuff together all the time. He is genuinely my favourite person in the world.