To think the genuinely happy relationships don’t exist?

[LemurLederhosen]

To be honest, I think I’m asking the opposite… so do genuinely happy relationships actually exist? I’m starting to think they do and it’s really depressing… because I’m not in one. I thought everyone was unhappy, generally whinging and moaning about their other halves, wishing they’d do more, be more attentive or whatever but lately I’ve made a few jokes or comments when chatting with people and they’ve looked at me like, “are you OK?”

I was just driving and listening to Sara Cox’s All Request Friday and people are ringing in and saying nice things about their partners and sounding like they really mean it. Like really mean it. You know things like “just want to shout out to my amazing, beautiful wife for all that she does for us”, that sort of thing? Women bigging up their husbands as if they genuinely love them and still fancy them and stuff… is this real?

My relationship is shit. My partner last told me he loved me in August and this was probably at least 3-4 months after the last time he said it. I didn’t say it back.

Someone at work said their partner made them a cooked breakfast the other day (we all WFH) and I just couldn’t comprehend it at all… one time I was out over teatime and came back to find my partner had cooked for himself and the kids but hadn’t made anything for me…

I threw him a surprise party for his last big birthday… and bought him tickets to see his favourite football team, who he never gets to see live as we live too far away. I genuinely can’t remember what he got me for my last big birthday. I know I planned a family weekend away for it and invited my family because my sisters made a big fuss over me…he was there, but I don’t think he got me a present.

We don’t hold hands, we don’t kiss goodnight or goodbye. We don’t kiss hello. The last time we hugged was when he suffered a bereavement and obviously I comforted him. I gave him a lot of hugs, listened to him, supported him, did whatever I could to be there for him. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug.

I just figured this is what happened to relationships after a while, once the DCs have come along, and you both get a bit old and wrinkly but I now think there might be couples out there who actually still love & admire each other, and lust after each other… am I crazy to be thinking this?

YANBU - I am not happy in my relationship

YABU - I love my partner more than anything and can’t imagine my life without them.

My marriage is the single best thing in my life. The happiness I have with my husband is something that drives me, and he is a huge source of comfort and support through difficult times (and heaven knows, we’ve had plenty of those- illness, bereavement etc.)
Every single day, I make an active choice to be with him.

I’m guessing this sounds painfully smug, but I wanted to counter OP’s equally strongly-held view.

Life's short, OP, but the years are long when you’re miserable. Please don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t make you happy.

Married 30 years, I wish he’d go away.

i used to genuinely adore him, but once the rose tinted glasses made of hormones wore off, I realised that he’s actually lazy, a liar, and an addict.

Im in a perfectly happy marriage but don't ever post gushy crap on social media why on earth would i need to do that.
We are just getting on with our lives, we work together and share chores in the home evenly, we both work and are comfortable financially.
I truly think its a lot easier to be 'happily married' if you have less stressors eg you arent worried about excess debt or one of you overspending, or someone losing their job, so theres probably an element if luck to it.
With all the will in the world a couple who experience infertility, bereavement, redundancy, disability, or one of many other major stresses are probably going to have a bloody tougher time being 'happy!'.

I'm another one who doesn't especially like the big showy gestures. I always wonder why someone feels the need to share the latest gift or declare their love on Facebook or whatever. My dh doesn't 'do' romance. But he does get up on a cold morning to go and warm up my car for me and to remove the ice from the windows. He does make sure my coffee or tea is ready and waiting for when I get in from work. He knows I hate ironing, so he does it all. He has always been the most amazing, hands on dad to our dcs, and now GF to our dgc. He will arrive home with a particular sweet treat he knows I love, even though he can't have it himself (diabetic). He makes me laugh and we love spending time together. We have been married over 40 years, and yes, some of those have been hard, almost always because of other factors out of our country, such as my MCs, bereavement, illness, but we've supported each other to get through those times. Each of us has picked up the slack when the other has been struggling. The first year was probably the hardest as, although we'd been a couple for several years, we didn't live together before marriage, so we each had to learn how to do that. We do disagree at times, because despite being together nearly 50 years, we are still different people with our own ideas and thoughts, but our core values are very much in synch. Our relationship might not suit some other people but it very much suits us. Other people's relationships would not wok for us but it does for the people involved. I guess that what I am trying say is that if your relationship is not working for you, only you can decide whether it can be changed or if you even want to. If not, you then have another decision - to stay or walk away and only you can make that choice because yours is the life that will be affected.

Happily married with 4 children, not a day goes by he or I say I love you several times, cuddle,hold hands ,cuddle before sleep, and he will call in his work break and quite often say I can't wait to get back to you. We very rarely disagree as from the start of being together we talked about everything big or small. We support each other with the kids, we love doing things together
I'm also surrounded by a very large extended family all married with families and happy..it takes work, true love and committment because to easily people walk away nowadays. He will make breakfast or tea, bring in small gifts now and then, arrange surprises and me for him. We are in our 30s now but I lovey man more than I did at the start can't even explain it. When its right and it's worked at it's amazing

I'm in a genuinely happy, problem free marriage, given by many factors.
However, as I keep banging on, living on my own and single was better still.
😁

😆

That's interesting.
In my opinion and experience, different personalities were a NO for myself.

We're in the middle - happy enough to stay together but things could be better!
The thing that keeps us together is there's enough consideration from dh for my feelings and he does love and care about us.
He's generous and does things for us when he knows it matters, but doesn't always think of things himself.

He doesn't really care about birthdays and after not bothering for mine once, I told him I was upset and I wanted him to bother and to involve the kids, so now he does.
He will usually ask me what I want and I'll tell him.

He has his faults. Likes to micromanage, can be a bit of a grump but can also be more relaxed at times.
But the important thing is, he listens to me and tries to accommodate what I want.

It's really sad when you feel unloved in a relationship. You deserve to be happy in your life. If your dh isn't willing to make changes then it's better to separate.

No one knows what goes on in other people's marriages.

I've seen couples who I would have bet my bank account on being together for life who have split up .

I've seen couples who I thought wouldn't last five minutes still together decades later .

My first marriage was lust, I married a gorgeous man who I was besotted with but he was self centred, arrogant and very difficult to get along with so eventually I fell out of love with him and saw him for what he is.

My current marriage I was not looking for anyone but Dh was interested in me, he wasn't gorgeous but he was kind, genuine and made me feel very special, it wasn't love at first sight for me but he's my best friend and we are very happy.
We have each others back and I trust him but most importantly we are both completely ourselves around each other.

I wouldn't have looked twice at him in the street though and if he hadn't tried so hard to get me to give him a chance I would've have even noticed him let alone fancied him but now I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I think it's true love but I don't post it on social media mainly because we're old now and who wants to see pics of us two?

Yes they do.😍

Well if you want to see it for yourself watch an episode of 24 hours in A & E and you will see the love between some of the older couples especially.
My own relationship is a best friend type I guess but we have had our moments over the years ( 26)of more challenging times. I find focussing on and being grateful for their good points and actions rather than dwelling on irritations . A general gratitude outlook which I have had to develop to help with my depression.
My own parent’s relationship was not particularly good if they had been more affluent they would have separated for sure in their 30’s but even they seemed happier together in their later years. They had shared interests of going to a caravan by the sea and bird watching etc.

I agree that there is a lot of pressure to meet the one and then live together happily ever after. I have felt that pressure since I was 18.
I also can't help but think that the couples constantly posting photos and loved up statuses aren't actually all that happy.
One of my work colleagues who is 33 posted a whataspp profile photo of her and her partner kissing. I do wonder those benefit that is for. It did make me cringe as it's something I expect to see from a teenager and honestly could have done without seeing such a photo. I'm no prude but I don't want to see it, I doubt others would either. Her partner is also constantly touching up her leg which again is awkward to be around. Do I think they are deeply in love ? Actually no. I feel they are compensating for something.

I once read that if the finances were in place then 70% of people would leave . I think when marriage was first invented it was only meant to last 15 - 20 years considering the life span of people back then . I love my husband but it's now evolved from a giddy head over heels badly in love into mature love based on friendship and being equal partners .

Meant Madly in love not badly 😂

Laughter is the key. If you’ve both got a sense of humour and a look on the brightside type personality then it’s a lot easier than being with a grumpy, moody, pita (whatever sex they are).

🤣🤣

I've been with my partner for many years , live together but not married . We are not particularly loved up , don't hold hands , or gaze lovingly at each other but we bobble along ok , it's comfortable , we've sort of merged into one another and get on ok .

I'm always wary of any relationship where one gushes about how great the other is
My cousin is like this, every birthday, Christmas and father's day it's all how wonderful he is and the best dad and husband. I don't think she knows that we know he's left her 3 times to move back in with his mum because family life isn't what he expected and they have slept in different rooms since number 2 has come along.

My partner and I probably haven't said "I love you" in 15 years we've just never felt the need. We don't do birthday, Christmas and anniversary presents except for the big ones, we don't do valentine's, we don't do public displays of affectionate, we don't discuss our relationship on social media. We hold hands and hug most days, kiss before bed. He's my best friend, my partner, my everything. He holds me when I need and when he needs I hold him. He's the person I want to tell about my best days, my worst days and my in between days. I don't need him to tell the world how he feels about me because he actions say that every day. I hope he feels the same

I feel the same about my marriage. DH is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I've never done well with relationships and I'm mid 40s. Managed to attract a decent number of guys but it always went wrong some how- mix of me and them. I just don't think I'm a person who functions well in relationships, although I do enjoy being loved etc. I'm single now mid 40s and not sure I'll ever live with someone again. Not even sure I'll be in a relationship again, even though I do like the good bits.

I've known some people my age who have constantly been in relationships since they were young. I just think some people are better at them/more comfortable in them. I'm the opposite- probably a disorganised attachment style- half avoidant, half anxious. My natural state of being seems to be single. I've met some good men throughout my life who wanted me- that's what I mean when I say it wasn't always them, often it's been me. Who knows why? Given up trying to figure myself out.

That has to be my favourite typo ever 😆😆😆

I am in a weird situationship type situation I should say that's been going for two years and is typical me. Still class myself as single and always have. I probably need to break away at some point but I'm extremely scared of proper commitment - phobic almost and can't face dating. I still get a lot from it but I can keep him at arm's lengths. Not about the sex, it's about it being a relationship-life I suppose. We are genuinely friends too.

Relationship-lite not life.