To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

No you don't have to accept her apology. Only do what's best for you. Not what's best for her. After all she put you through an apology is a bit too easy for it all to be forgotten. Plus, it's not as if she was seeking you out to apologise before you worked together. It's only now it might cause issues with her job. If you did apologise who's to say she might not see you as a pushover and bully you again?

I'd be concerned she might get in first and try and give a different version of what happened so it might be worth telling someone.

No, you don't have to accept her apology, and you don't have to speak to her, beyond the most basic professional interaction. Yes, she did all that to you - but you don't need to fear her anymore - look at what you've achieved, despite all the set backs. You clearly have a family that loves you deeply, and are a strong and resilient person. I hope you can see this through and stay in the job you love. Sending a hug x

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this OP, sounds really dreadful. Does your manager know? I would want to have some support in the workplace with something like this.

I would never accept her apology. Ever. Becoming a mother doesn’t wipe away the trauma she inflicted and her desire to hurt you - which she did. I would report to your manager the reason you have moved desks etc and ask them to ensure you are never working with this vile person. You do not owe her anything , especially confidentiality over her past conduct.

It's likely that she is sorry, as well as scared that you will tell everyone. You have to decide what you want to do. She treated you appallingly, with terrible consequences for you and your family. I know others have been able to move past bullying, and forgiven their childhood tormentors. I'm not saying you should for her sake, but maybe for yours?

No way. Fuck her. And if any issues arose at work, I’ll tell them all why.

I’d do pretty much exactly what you’ve done. I’d have nothing to do with her unless it was professionally necessary and appropriate (in which case I’d act professionally, nothing beyond that). Especially as it happened when you were 15 - old enough for her to know better and understand the impact of her actions. There’d be no forgiveness from me.

I’d give it a bit longer before you look for a new job though.

You don't have to accept her apology or forgive her but it may actually help you and be healing for you if you did.

I don't buy into this at all. She has done nothing to deserve your forgiveness so fuck her.
Agree with a PP though, I would definitely just send an email to your line manager or someone explaining you have history and stating that you will be cordial and professional with her and deal with her by email if needed for business purposes but nothing further.

@OhNotAnother It's over 50 years since I last saw my school bully (one of many) but if I saw her tomorrow it would be too soon. I feel for you and in your shoes I would look for another job because I can't see this ever feeling ok.

Good advice from others though. I just wonder whether a line manager would really understand the situation because if you haven't been bullied I don't think you can imagine the long term effects.

Firstly - well done being brave enough to tell her if she needs to speak to you for a professional reason to put it in email. This is good boundary setting.

If you have to attend a joint meeting/event together, just treat her like any other colleague you don't know well.

In your shoes, I would want to talk things through with a therapist - I'd want someone to 'hold' me through this as I worked through these reopened emotions.

It's all about what will help you find peace with the situation- for me the hate and hospitality I felt just prolonged my trauma.

By forgiving I felt I was the one in power who chose to accept the apology and there was an end to it

You don't have to forgive her, accept her apology or have any more to do with her than absolutely necessary. If she's genuinely sorry she'll respect that and keep her distance. If she's squirming and anxious about her job, tough - that's not your problem.

Don't let anyone manipulate you into forgiving her "for your own healing" or whatever. That's for you to decide, nobody else. Personally I would get more inner peace from never engaging with her again, and I certainly wouldn't be accepting an apology. What she did to you went far beyond bullying, it was wicked.

I think you handled it fine. But to get rid of the feeling in your stomach I think you should have a course of talking therapy. You likely had some back then but you’re a different you now. Does your work offer an employee assistance service? It’s usually totally confidential.

I don’t believe in forgiveness, not for serious matters like abuse (which bullying very much is). You owe her nothing, what you owe is closure for yourself however that forms itself. There is no undoing what she did to you, she simply has to live with it. Hopefully your interactions with her will be minimal.

Personally I’d tell everyone at work what she did to you. Let that be her karma.

I would look for a better job - definitely a move up not sideways. Years ago I was given a piece of advice which was that when people make your life hell, don't just walk away, set a higher bar and never lower it. That means each time someone behaves badly, you benefit from it by making your life even better than it was before they messed it up.

If she seems genuinely sorry I might be tempted to go for a coffee with her and list the things one by one: Are you sorry you put bubble gum in my hair? Are you sorry you catcalled my grandmother's funeral? Get an answer after each one. You will know by looking into her eyes whether she truly is sorry or not.

I don't know whether it would be appropriate to let HR know that someone has joined the workforce who bullied you physically (they will believe physically more readily than emotionally) so badly that you had to be home schooled and that you are now experiencing PTSD knowing she is around. If I worked in HR I would want to know this.

You might also consider contacting the police to report historical violent abuse. You could speak with her and tell her you are considering informing HR and possibly the police about this sustained, violent and traumatic historic abuse if she plans on staying in this company. Let her know she is the one who should be leaving, not you.

Thank you all. I will contact talking therapies, I think that will help. I think I had processed it but it’s a reminder when they’re stood there and trying to be all pally pally! It’s also a hatred, I feel a burning anger a lot about even being in her presence though I’m trying to be professional and maintain those professional boundaries. I just keep my head down mostly now. I might ask if I can WFH one of the days she’s in to minimise it.

I think I would disclose to work in confidence. And lay out some suggestions of how you want to approach things if you do end up on the same projects etc. Partly so they can separate you of needed (eg different teams) and partly so that if they ever heard or saw anything (eg you saying that you won't speak to her and that she has to email you) they can't accuse you of bullying her yourself. Do you have any independent evidence eg police reports or anything if needed (so that she couldn't claim you'd just made it all up or it was you that bullied her and that's why she left school rather than being expelled)

No you don't need to forgive or forget.

Cover your arse, log it with HR outlining the history, the boundary you have out in place for your own mental health and reiterate that it will not, from your point of view effect your work.

Keep a log of all interactions. She is only sorry now because you You have power here. Cover yourself as people like this always try to twist things round so they are the victim.

Also she worked in social care before this as a carer? And it’s so weird because a few of my friends who have been bullied their bullies have also gone into nursing/social care? I’m not of course trying to generalise here all nurses/carers but wonder if there’s a power play at hand.

I'd be wary about telling people at work. She may try manipulate the story.

If it was me I'd try avoid her completely. WFH when she is in the office. Be in the office if she wfh.

Were the police ever involved with the assaults she perpetrated on you? Guessing not but if they were then I'd be tempted to tell closest people at work.

But just in case please document every interaction you have with her.

It must be so scary as you do not know when she might try to bully you and destroy your work life as she did your school life.