To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

I agree with others saying log it with HR and your manager. I suggest you ask for a meeting with HR and your manager to talk about what happened and how it's effecting your mental health her being in the same office as you.

Is there departments on other floors that she could maybe be transferred to that is no where near you? You could ask for her to be transferred.

I would also write down everything that she did to you and the causes. Email to HR and manager and bring the notes to the meeting. Your attempted suicide, your mother losing her job, your parents divorced, the effects on your brother, her beating you up and it being reported to police. So they have it all on file. If she's only just recently started working there then they might decide to not pass her probation and she can leave. She deserves much worse... But I would actually want her gone. Why should you suffer everyday and have to be reminded of it every time you see her.

So she got in your way when you were trying to leave? Wow.

Multiple people (me included) have already recommended that yo inform HR and or your direct manager about this. Preferably in writing / via an Email.

Will you do it?

If I was you I’d be rather worried about her trying to „defend“ herself by spreading rumours and or trying to change history…

OP, are you in a union? If so, maybe talk to your union rep before going to HR/manager. You might find it hard to talk about this, and having someone to advocate for you, or even to explain on your behalf, might help.

Either way, as a former union rep, this is how I’d advise you:

• write things down first, so you have a clear and concise summary of what happened - write as factually as possible;
• if official records of any of the assaults etc. exist (e.g. police reports), mention this - you don’t need to seek copies of these, just make it clear that there is independent evidence of the history between you and this woman;
• be clear about your purposes in telling HR: you want to be proactive in explaining why you are avoiding this woman other that for strictly necessary professional communication; you want the history to be on record in the unlikely event that this woman attempts to restart her abuse of you; you need your manager to know because the situation is currently affecting your health and this may temporarily have an adverse impact on your work;
• be clear about the specific outcomes you hope to achieve by telling HR and your manager: where possible, you would prefer not to work directly with the bully; where possible, you would like to work in a different part of the building, or to work from home on days where this woman is in the office;
• be clear about any actions you are taking to minimise any disruption to your work (I know you shouldn’t have to do this, but management culture is unfortunately very keen on blaming you for not being proactive enough): you are seeking therapy; you’re communicating the problem to management so that they can help you to make reasonable adjustments;
• be clear that you are not asking for any consequences or action affecting this woman - you understand that your history with her is not a workplace matter, and you are only raising it because you want to mitigate any effect of the trauma you have experienced on your work;
• be clear that you do not wish for the other woman to be aware that you have discussed this with HR or manager.

You may be covered by disabilities legislation if you have PTSD - either your union or possibly ACAS should be able to advise you if this is the case.

I am so, so sorry for everything you’ve been through, and I truly admire you for achieving so much after such trauma. Good luck navigating this horrible situation.

Another vote for telling your manager and HR.

"Sarah Jones bullied me so badly at school that I tried to commit suicide. I ended up being home schooled as a result, it affected my educational attainment and my mum lost her job because I couldn't be left home alone. I've tried to cope with her presence as best I can since she joined but I am finding it even more difficult than I anticipated. I would like permission to work from home on the days when she is in, and to not be put on any projects with her, for the sake of my mental health."

Perhaps she won't pass probation.

God, I really feel for you...
I think, especially given that there was police involvement, you should absolutely take this to your line manager and/or HR.

I agree with a PP that you should give them detail beyond 'she bullied me'. Get it documented - she assaulted you, and that's on record. Disclose it as factually as you feel able and state there have been serious ramifications for you and your entire family.

You could perhaps offer (or ask for) suggestions on how to manage it.
WFH on different days (or maybe she should - why the fuck should you have to change a thing?!)

Let's hope she's changed as much as she claims... but if her apology was her standing in your way, and saying "I'm a mum now", that sounds like she hopes you'll rise above it for her sake, not yours.

For yourself, I think maybe some more talking therapy is a good idea to help you navigate this. You don't owe her ANYthing, but you owe it to yourself to enjoy the beautiful life you've built. You sound amazing.

Following your update, I think you need to speak to HR about this. It doesn't sound as though she apologised because she was genuinely remorseful, but because she wanted you to agree to keep her nasty secret.

This would make me concerned that she might escalate, since you didn't agree to do what she wanted. You're in a very strong position, given that she accepted a caution, so I'd ask for a meeting with HR, hand them a factual statement of everything that happened, including the fact that she's approached you and persisted with trying to discuss it after you said you didn't want to talk to her. I would say that you feel intimidated by her behaviour, and concerned about repercussions, and ask them what can be put in place to make sure you are safe in the workplace, given her history of physical violence towards you.

I would not sit on this information until something happens - if it does. If you give her time to become established in the workplace before raising this, you potentially weaken your position. If you act now, and keep the focus on how they are going to ensure your safety - being clear that you don't expect them to get rid of her - then you're in a much stronger place if anything does happen.

Don't let her force you out of a job you enjoy, or into having to restrict your own behaviour.

You don’t have to forgive her. I would just keep it professional and concentrate on making my own life as happy as possible. I hope she truly regrets all of that disgusting behaviour.

If I were in this situation, I would organise a meeting with my line manager/HR. I would not go into all of the nitty gritty details, but would say the following:

• I’ve noticed that x now has a job here.
• I wanted to make you aware that x physically assaulted me on multiple occasions between 20xx - 20xx. The police were involved due to the severity of the attacks.
• x approached me on x date in the coffee area, and I made it clear to her that I wanted no contact with her, and that if she needs to communicate with me in a professional capacity, she needs to do it via email.
• I do not feel comfortable working with x, and would not like to be placed on any projects, nor in any teams with her.

Second this! She deserves it.

Sorry - just re-read and you didn't initially say you didn't want to talk to her. Same advice, but obviously say that you made it clear that you didn't want to have the conversation and attempted to leave.

You are absolutely right not to have accepted that apology. The level of bullying led by her was extreme physical assault and harassment. Turning up at a funeral to hurl abuse?????
She almost ripped a family apart in destroying an innocent person’s mental health, purely because she could.
She is only apologetic now because she knows if everything she did gets out your colleagues will see her very differently, and it couldn’t potentially cost her her job.

Well that wasn’t an apology at all was it? She’s just testing the waters to see how you would react.
And if she went home sweating about what you could say about her - good. Now she’s a mum how would she feel if one of her children were treated so poorly.
Go to see someone appropriate in HR and tell them. As you were children, technically they can’t do much now, but they need to know why you don’t want to deal with her. They do need to know what happened, I think, as it protects you going forward.
In my experience, these people very rarely turn over a new leaf, they just create an adult game face. They often are in denial as well.
Someone who bullied me, nowhere near this level, actually sent me a written apology. It actually really touched me at the time. However, she was no different at all in reality. Don’t want to go into details, too outing, but she didn’t take long to revert to type.
The absolute worst bully at my school, who thankfully left me alone, was absolutely vicious. A girl in my year ended up leaving after having a complete mental breakdown. Her bully is now at the helm of a female-based company in my local area, supporting a lot of charities, and I often see her being interviewed with her women supporting women/be kind vibes. Ironic. On her socials she talks about her teenage years and it is all fiction. Her husband thinks she was Head Girl and ran all sorts of charity drives.
These people wear masks and behind them lie individuals with awful self esteem, anger issues, and imposter syndromes. They don’t think they are good enough on their own. That is not to lessen the terrible harm they do, and crimes they commit.
I bet you’d like to tell her in great detail the damage she has done but sadly these people never take responsibility.
The best thing to do after speaking to HR is to live your very best life. You don’t have to pretend, just be yourself. Enjoy your work, do well at it and don’t let this woman steal any more of your time and peace.

That apology was shocking! How dare she just assume she can halfheartedly say sorry and demand you accept it. You did so well to tell her to shove it!

I agree that you need to speak to your manager and HR to explain what happened and why you won’t be working with her. You need to protect yourself here.

I think this is a really good way of approaching it at work.

I agree with this. And also try to wfh when she is in the office.

I like this.

I would (if the company is big enough) talk to HR so they know why you might need adjustments. If you have a good relationship with your manager speak to them in confidence too.
What you want to do is establish facts unemotionally. So- she was physically and psychologically violent towards you and conducted a campaign of abuse over x years. The police were involved.

You very much enjoy working here but cannot work in close quarters with your abuser. The same as if it were a domestic abuse situation.
And lay out the WFH / not working near or with her plan you have.

Cross post with so many other people (should have read right to the end)

Second this.

Get ahead of any BS she might try to pull. From her behaviour towards you now, it's clear she takes no responsibility for her actions. In fact, I think she will likely prove to be a liability for your employer.

It depends on your relationship with your line manager but I'd tell mine the full truth. And I'd say - i realise I have to be professional and I'll try but it's making me dread work and bringing up the past. That it's possible you'll ultimately have to leave

As others have said you need to speak to your manager or HR about this, and make it clear just how serious the bullying was.

For what it's worth, there's no way I'd be forgiving her either. Not a chance. Even if there was a proper apology which it doesn't sound like you got.

@OhNotAnother you really need to get ahead of her and speak to your line manager and HR. Tell them what she did. Tell them that you will absolutely be professional but that you cannot otherwise engage with her due to the unforgivable trauma she has put you and your family through.

Don't keep her secret. Tell all your work friends what she did.

There are bullies and then there are evil doers. What she did was not just bullying. It was pack-mentality destroying a weaker being. They wanted you to kill yourself. They relished in the pain and harm they caused. Disgusting, evil little bitches.

She does not deserve your forgiveness nor do you owe her anything.

BUT she will be pathetic enough to tell everyone how you are bullying her in the workplace so fight back. Fight back now as you weren't able to do at 15. This is YOUR domain, @OhNotAnother and you need to stand your ground.

I'd also recommend therapy to help unpack the residual feelings you haven't already overcome.

Shit in her desk drawer and lock it shut

And never engage with the sorry excuse for a human again

The bullying this one particular girl subjected me to wasn’t anything as horrendous as you went through, OP, but she did turn up out of the blue one day in my old work place, having got a job there (nursing home), and I was crapping myself about the next shift because we were on the rota together. Luckily, she left of her own accord after her second shift and the person who was on in place of her was lovely.
No attempted “apology” either, not that we even exchanged words.
I’m so sorry for what you were subjected to as a teenager, proud of how you’ve overcome it and told her to take a hike (after the sheer audacity of trying to block your way out, too!). I concur with PP about letting your bosses know. You deserve to feel safe at work and it creates a record.

I think you are right.
Some odious really severe bullies work in nursing/care and with animals.
Because they have power over these vulnerable groups.
Obviously there are good , kind people in these careers too.