To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

Screw that. 40 years ago I turned on my bully and broke the little fuckers nose. If I saw him again now and could get away with it, I'd do it again.

Fuck their apologies, they were shits then and in my eyes always will be.

I had similar (unfortunately I think many did) in that my best an only friend I had (I moved schools in year 9 so other kids made it clear I did not 'fit in' their pre-formed groups) set me up with an older man who then tried it on and I refused (was happily a virgin).

She then became my biggest bully physical attacks so bad I was hospitalized, standard gum in hair/kicking me as I walked down hallway/spreading rumors/names (I was apparently somehow a whoreish slut and a fridged prude) etc... destroyed all my coursework so I would fail and so on.

I saw her 4 year after school (only time I have seen her since) and she cornered me apologized. Said she 'hated herself so took it out on me and didn't even know why she did it'.

I said OK (just to get her away from me as I was still genuinely scared of her) and part of me respects that she tried to apologize but really made my life a living hell and I can't just forget that and as they say saying 'sorry' does not fix the broken plate. Those years aren't undone and she made a hard part of my life nearly impossible which has had life long MH effects.

You don't owe her happy feelings and the ease of it never happening. I do think you have to acknowledge and respect someone apologizing because it show growth and awareness but you are not responsible for them feeling bad and you don't have to say or do anything to elevate their feelings. They feel bad as a consequence of their own actions

The most abusive woman I know (my friend's mum) is a manager of a care home for the elderly. It's shocking.

Totally agree with this. I’m all for letting go of the past and forgiving- but there’s a line. What she done crosses the line so badly. That’s not just a bit of childhood bullying - what she done was horrific and was bad enough that it could have and may well have affected your whole life. What she done is beyond forgiveness and the only person who would benefit from that is her.

Also if HR are incompetent. Or especially if HR are incompetent. I would want to establish a paper trail…

I think you need to contact your line manager and HR and tell them both what happened in the past, make sure you explain that police were involved and what happened at work, make sure you mention that she blocked your path. Proactively protect yourself.

Hi OP, I just want to congratulate you for managing such a calm and measured response in a situation where you were feeling neither of these things.

The time I bumped into my old bully was when she served me behind the counter of a shop and delighted told me how happy she was that I had survived (why when she did everything in her power to ensure the opposite?!) but I froze and then bolted without my shopping.

I'm genuinely pleased that the posters who forgave their tormentors were able to do so and feel their lives benefit from it but life is not a one size fits all. Some people, some things just can't be forgiven and that's okay too.

@MaterCogitaVera 's post is great. Agree you need to say something sooner rather than later, it would be easy for the company to get rid of her now (not that they necessarily should/would solely because of this but they should have all the relevant information to hand when evaluating her), once she passes probation or has been there for 2 years it's much harder, if she did start doing anything to you again.

What was 'I'm a mum now?' supposed to mean? At best it was 'I would be horrified if some little scrote treated my child anything like I treated you,' (but if so, why not SAY this?), at worst it was trying to guilt trip you 'Don't tell anyone about our past because if I lose my job you'll ruin their life not just mine?'

That first sentence by @cheeseonwheels is a perfect summing up!

Yes. I was in a similar situation with forgiving someone, and it just gave me some peace inside. It was more for me than for the other individual

I'm in agreement with people who say this is a professional as well as a personal matter. It's certainly having a huge impact on your working life, and may well start to affect your performance. And if it were me I'd be worried about carrying the can for that, on top of everything else.

So for the benefit of your employer and your career, I think you need to talk to HR, if they're good for that kind of thing. Try to explain the situation calmly and dispassionately, so they can see that it's a lot more than just some personal beef from childhood. This person has had a devastating effect on you and your family.

On a personal level, you could see this as an opportunity to face and diminish this terrible blight on your lives. If she really wants to apologise, she has to know the full picture of what she's apologising for. Which means listening to what you've told us in your original post, and accepting her responsibility for it.

HR can't offer that kind of restorative justice service themselves, but they should be able to support you in finding appropriate help or therapy, and monitoring progress. And if necessary, ensuring that your paths don't cross in future. It's an unusual situation but not out of their remit, I'd have thought. Good luck.

This is the aspect you should focus on fixing I think. How you feel, what you can do to stop feeling this terrible negative emotion.

I had someone turn on me in a work situation and it caused me physical symptoms. I so resented feeling sick and ill, even in the evening and weekends, because of this vile woman. She later turned on someone else.

Happily she was 'let go' and it was the one of the happiest days of my life.

Of course you can't tell people at work what she did. Don't even think about it. You are obliged to treat a colleague professionally and if you try to blacken her name, it will be you on a disciplinary not her. Tell your manager confidentially if you must but even then you must talk about how difficult you find the situation rather than details about her behaviour.

One can only imagine the hand wringing hippy care bears who have voted you as being unreasonable on this.

Thank you all for your own stories. I stand in solidarity with you. I saw a video the other day of a mum hysterically sobbing at her daughter’s funeral. Her daughter committed suicide and was being bullied- she was 12. It ruins lives. It’s awful.

I actually think her telling me she was a mum was to elicit some sympathy, my friend said it’s probably a way of saying “please don’t fuck up this job for me, I’m a mum and need it”

Im a member of a union so think on Monday when I’m back (on toil today) I will contact them first of all, even for mutual support. My line manager is good, but he’s a young guy and very sort of closed of from any sort of “feelings” stuff so I think it would be better having someone there.

I think you should speak to her face to face as you’re both adults now. You don’t have to forgive her if you choose not to, but you seem to want to hold onto your anger and hurt and that’s not going to help you move on as you’re clearly re-living your pain every time you think about her. Your pain isn’t her punishment though.

You also have no idea what possessed her to treat you so badly and maybe it would help if she offered some kind of explanation?

My DS was horribly bullied by a lad at school who was previously his best friend in Primary school so I went and spoke to his mam and told her what had been going on and how much it had affected DS. She was horrified and spoke to her son and he came round to apologise. They’ll never be best friends again, but DS does speak to him if they’re in the same class for a subject and he’s no longer fearful of attending school.

@HectorPlasm 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Credit to you for your inner strength and maturity handling this tremendously difficult situation in your workplace.......You have already been through hell and back due to the actions of the inebriate you now have to work near, as just seeing her is bound to be extremly triggering.

Remember, its a new job for her and there is not a cat in hells chance she will want colleagues to know she was expelled from school for being a bitch and a bully.

She sounds like she has her tail between her knees and she should be totally ashamed of herself.

Just see how things go from here, bearing in mind that if you were to speak to your colleagues about this you can not unsay anything so keeping it all to yourself sounds overwhelming. Just take each day as it comes and see how you feel as time goes on. She is the one with the heavy conscience, not you.

Definitely log it with HR. You tell your story first. Don't let her poison the well.

I don't like her standing in your way when in the kitchen. That itself is not acceptable and she should be told officially not to attempt any interaction with you that isn't directly about a work matter.

I really hope you go to HR with this and I think this is a very good way to do it.

The way she tried to apologise to you, well, felt very much of bullying you into accepting. If she was genuine she would have said something and then let you have time to think with no pressure, but this did feel like she was pressuring you into accepting.
And even if her apology was genuine, you still don't have to accept it. I don't think I would have been as calm as you sounded.
I think it's wonderful you have managed, despite all of these awful things they put you and your family through, to get where you are now and I hope work are able to make things easier for you to continue working in a job you love 💐

I don’t know if I truly have it in me to “forgive”. Because, I don’t. I don’t forgive but I was up until she started accepting of it and I guess indifferent. I guess it’s making me face up to it and relive it slightly but I will seek some sort of therapy for that.

i don’t think forgiving would make me happier, it would only the lessen the guilt she feels but I would like to return to the place of indifference I was at before and develop copy mechanisms to sort work.

Ugh that 'apology'!

'What happened between us'
'Hope we can turn over a new leaf'
'Hope we can rise above it'

It sounds like she's trying to reframe it as a teenage falling out with fault on both sides (and therefore she's being the bigger person extending an olive branch)

I wouldn't tell everyone in the office as PPs have suggested as she may be able to twist things in the same way and make you look childish and holding a grudge - these kinds of people can be master manipulators.

The suggestion by @WildCats24 was good - to the point and factual. If you don't feel comfortable with a meeting I'd email your line manager and cc HR as I do think it's important they're aware and it's documented.

Then just keep your head high and ignore the bitch.

Is it a large company that you work for with a HR department? If so, I would contact them asap and let them know the entire history. It doesn’t sound as though your line manager would have the skill set to deal with such a complex and sensitive issue.

As an employer, I would want to know this. I’d want to know in order to safeguard you. I want to know anything at all that impacts our employees performance and wellbeing in the workplace.

I also had a nervous breakdown at 16 due to years of being bullied at school. The memories are still raw nearly 30 years later. Funnily enough, the main bully also ended up working as a carer!

However, I would strongly advise saying anything about it to your colleagues, your manager or HR unless this woman's behaviour towards you at work is causing problems. For example, if she was to be abusive or harass you. The fact is, what she did as a teenager 14/15 years ago has no bearing on her ability to carry out her job. It would only have relevance if her conduct towards you now crossed a line. Bringing it up with your colleagues could end up with you being disciplined for gossiping and bullying her.

To quote Michelle Obama, when they go low, we go high. Hold your head high as you have nothing to be ashamed off. Behave like the brilliant professional woman you are now. Be civil in any communications with her. Not only will it show how professional you are at work, it will also show her that she can never hurt you again. She failed to ruin you. She holds no power over you now. Don't give her any more headspace.

Yes, and if I had done something I truly would’ve owned up. I asked all of the girls multiple times “what did I do?”, my parents asked and teachers even the police. None of them ever had an answer or reason or rationalisation. I think it was to do with a boy I’d been hanging out with (we played the same sport) but I can’t be sure and none of them ever mentioned liking him.