To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

I would tell your manager a maybe sanitised version of what happened, in case she tries to get in there first and tell lies about what happened

What an awful situation to be in OP, what she put you through is absolutely horrific.

I also agree that @WildCats24 is spot on with her suggestion - it’s essential you tell HR about this. She sounds like an awful woman (that apology was pathetic!!) and you need to make sure you have your company’s support on this. I would be appalled if I was in your team

edited typo

Fuck. I'd missed the post where you said she'd assaulted you and been given a police caution. That's criminal assault. In which case, ignore my advice - definitely go to HR and explain the issue. So sorry.

Dear OP, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this bully again, it has clearly brought up horrible memories, you are being very brave and have courage to stay at your job despite her presence. I admire you for this. You are a strong woman and have come through terrible times and made a successful career, that is an achievement.

Now, what to do? If I was you I would have a confidential meeting with HR and explain the situation in unemotional terms, just the facts - she bullied you severely at school, you had to leave the school as the situation was escalating and there was police involvement. Be unemotional as you must preserve your professional personality so nothing can be said later if she starts anything in the future (which I doubt but never say never) Remind the HR person you are disclosing this information as you do not want any contact with her and if possible could you work from home the days she is in as you already do some WFH days so just want to rearrange them. Stay unemotional at all times in this meeting.

You have this OP. You are strong and amazing, never forget that.

The fact is, what she did as a teenager 14/15 years ago has no bearing on her ability to carry out her job. It would only have relevance if her conduct towards you now crossed a line.

That’s not strictly the case. The company has hired a person who historically assaulted an existing employee which resulted in them receiving a police caution. The company needs to know this. They have a duty of care to OP. This isn’t just a previous minor falling out. It’s much more serious than that.

She has been convicted of assaulting the OP. No, she shouldn’t engage in office gossip about this woman but she should definitely go to HR about it and request some measures to avoid them having to work together. And I would definitely include details about the criminal conviction/caution which is a matter of public record (even if spent) and not some secret.

@Zombella sorry, our posts crossed.

It isnt feelings stuff. There was a criminal case. Is there no HR?

That is a horrendous situation and I really feel for you. She could have changed but the way you have written it, that's not an earnest apology, that is a butt covering exercise as in " Oh Hell" she can make life difficult for me here and I need the job" type thing. Telling you she is a mother now is more blackmailing than true contrition.

I may have missed this but how old are you both now?

If you feel unsafe or if the bullying has resumes, it's essential to inform your employer. Your workplace should be a safe and supportive environment. Check your work place policy about bullying and harassment even though its historical and not work related

I think to protect yourself, you need to make your line manager or HR aware now in writing. Presumably she is still within her probationary period and if you don't say something now, and it kicks off after she passes her probation, it will be harder to resolve. But don't expect her to be happy about it because we reap what we sow. You shouldn't feel guilty about this.

Make it clear that you are willing to work with her, but it will be on a professional basis and you wish to minimise contact. Tell them the background and about her apology in the kitchen.

Make it clear how it traumatised you at school, and how seeing her at work has triggered those feelings again and its not something an apology is going to address, its not that simple. And if she was that contrite, she would have apologised before now.

Tell them how you love your job and since she has appeared, how it makes you feel. Tell them about the caution so they realise this wasn't just playground squabbles, the police were involved. They can't sack her for the caution but they can take a view on your welfare and how that will affect her probationary period.

They may refer it to HR for a subject experts opinion, but as your employer they have a duty of care to look after your wellbeing.

Big Hugs

I would speak to HR and off the record explain you can't work with this woman.

I'd tell my manager what she did and she wouldn't pass her probation. We don't employ that sort of person.

And no, having been bullied to the point of a suicide attempt myself, I wouldn't accept an apology either unless it came with several million pounds in compensation and a time machine.

OP I’m so sorry you and your
family went through this.

Wildcat’s wording is perfect, but go to HR today (despite being off). You do not want to give her any time to create her own narrative etc, so you are best to get ahead and go to HR asap.

The nerve of her to treat it all like it was a bit of name calling. If it had been in the street, rather than work, I’d be asking her which bit she’s sorry for, the physical assaults, the traumas, driving you to attempt to commit suicide, causing your parents split, the emotional damage to your sibling and everyone else who had to witness what they put you through, or maybe the enormous disruption to your education which will impact your career lifelong? Which one is she apologising for?

well done on how you handled her though, you were dignified and extremely professional x x

Yes, this. Please protect yourself by doing this.

Yes that’s true - I suppose I was thinking if they were incompetent would they make things worse but probably better off having a paper trail either way as you say! Good point!

That wasn't an apology, it was an attempt to manipulate you.

Absolutely this.
In my view, it goes way beyond bullying and heads into the pathological.
It is aggravated by being several people persecuting one person, and also by the massive effects it had on your education, mental health and general welfare.
And that of your family.
Additionally, the disregard for authority is a worrying indicator.
I am at a loss to know why she wasn't prosecuted for assault occasioning actual bodily harm and why the police didn't take matters further.

No fucking way would I let this go.
People don't change that much, and I am certain that if you give her an inch, she will take a mile.
Not only would I not forgive her (if she was really remorseful, she would have come to you years before now), I would actively log this with HR and your line manager, with full disclosure about it all.
Your employer has a duty of care to you, and I think they need to consider the effects on you of exposure to this perpetrator of violence and emotional harm.

And don't trust her not to try and get some spurious account in first.
It wouldn't hurt to get some verification from police records, etc, either.

Well done you for your achievements post that awful traumatic time.
I agree that some therapy might be an idea for the future, (but not via work, they'll only be interested in getting you to play nice at work with the bully, not with healing)

It's not so easy. I have to be honest - I was about 60 before I could forgive my bully, in spite of the fact that she'd died a few years previously. (I'm told that she developed a heroin problem and became known in the community for preying on the vulnerable to feed her drug habit.)

One of the girls on the fringe of her group sent me a FB message a few weeks ago, asking whether I remembered her. I didn't until a few days later.

I'm thinking of messaging her back, since I realise that she made a point of saying hello to me on a social occasion a year after I'd left school. At the time, I recall thinking that she was obviously sorry. I suspect that she's maybe feeling a bit guilty.

I spent nearly 3 yrs in terror every day at school. One day, one of her sidekicks started to strangle me with a scarf in a classroom. I was only 12 at the time and genuinely thought that I was going to die.

I still have a hang-up about aspects of my appearance. I nearly had plastic surgery at one point. I recently was sent a photo of myself at 17...and my face looks (at the very least) perfectly normal.

I can perfectly understand why the OP does not want to forgive her tormentor and I'd say that she's right to move her desk and to tell her boss. She does not need to acquiesce to the bully's requests. The only person with agency here is the OP.

Some things can't be forgiven. That wasn't just schoolgirls falling out, it was physical and emotional assault and she was old enough to know it was wrong.
How dare she try to make small talk now.
I think you should, as pp said, speak to your manager and also someone in HR. You don't need to give them details of what it did to you and your family, just say your life was hell and mention what they did at your grandma's funeral and to your belongings.
Is there someone there at work that you are particularly friends with? I'd confide in them too.
I have a feeling the evil b*tch won't stay long, you stand your ground, you have worked so hard and achieved too much to let that devil from hell take it away from you.

I guess curiosity would get the better of me and I might feel the need to ask her why she did those things? For her to just say 'sorry' without any context isn't going to cut it.
If she could give meaningful reasons as to why she did this horrible behaviour, and how she's changed and what she's done to make that change; then there is a chance I might be able to forgive. Not forget, but maybe forgive.
It's absolutely no excuse but I do know kids can be very cruel if something horrible is happening to them in their personal life. And they express it by bullying others.
However, you do not need to engage with her and if it's not what you feel would help then no need to try and seek an explanation. I do hope she is genuinely sorry and isn't behaving in that way in adulthood.

That’s just awful what cowards 5 against 1.

As others have said you need to formalise this with HR. As the police were involved it was obviously serious and there is every chance she'd try and manipulate people at work, once again you could be targeted albeit in a more subtle way. People don't change sadly.

I'm so sorry for what you endured . Do protect yourself though, even if your immediate line manager may seem useless he still has responsibilities and would have to document your concerns.

You’re the better person here. You’ve done amazingly well academically from a difficult beginning.

One technique I learned was to imagine her as something disposable —- ash off a cigarette that you just flick away. Or a rather nasty slug you deposit into a hedge. A card you’ve ripped up and drop into the bin. You just toss her away with the rest of the rubbish.
Be coldly professional, just as you have, when at work.

That was a real 'non-apology' apology. Trying to foist herself on you in the workplace and pressure you to engage with her 'for the sake of work' and because 'I'm a mum now (ie I don't want consequences of my behaviour to fall on me). She should have backed off as soon as you made it clear you didn't want to engage with her. She either has no clue or more likely, doesn't really care about the harm she caused.

I think you should feel really proud of how you handled this incident. Regardless of the circumstances, you have however now advised a colleague to limit her engagement with you. So I honestly agree with the advice that, to protect yourself, you should let HR know in confidence about her past behaviour and the effect her presence is having on you now. I think you should also tell them about her encounter with you as this was inappropriate of her in itself imo.

You can ask them to ensure she is kept away from you, with minimal impact on you, and that you are not expected to engage with her. Frankly it will help to protect your employer and colleagues too, as she has shown what she is capable of.

I would be wary about telling all your colleagues though, just to avoid any allegations of bullying being raised against you. Protect yourself and hold your head high.