To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

That's a great start, OP. She must feel suitably shamed to have been give this directive from HR. Is she still working her review period? If I were HR I wouldn't want to keep her on, if it means a reliable and well respected member of the work force has to alter her days to avoid a violent bully.

Glad they have your back op...

@OhNotAnother that's wonderful OP, I hope the anxiety load is lessened for you now and well done for having the bravery to speak up for yourself. It's not always easy to do.

Well done, OP. Sounds like a decent workplace and they clearly like you there.

Great update, OP. I can’t believe she thought that being a mum would negate anything she did to you. If she tries anything at all, I’d be tempted to ask her how she’d feel if her DC were to be treated as she treated you. If she crossed me, I’d be tempted to report her to social services re how she treats her DC - evil, I know, but leopards don’t change their spots and if what she did to you is indicative of her character, actually God knows how she treats her family.

I am really glad your manager has your back OP. It sounds as though they have dealt with it very well.

Good outcome op well done.

Have they formalised this with her do you know? Obviously she'll have been told to liaise with her manager and not you but has she been given a full explanation of why so it is clear?

Just seen this now OP but that's a really positive outcome.

Apologies if mentioned already but I've only read your updates, coming to the threat late.

Did you tell them exactly how the interaction in the kitchen went? I think that could be read as an attempt at intimidation, blocking the way and pushing tor you to accept an apology when the bullying was so severe. You could certainly make clear that's how you felt even if it was just clumsy and self serving.

Not sure where you are timewise but if you want the best chance of her not passing probation, I'd play my full hand here. Not saying this is the most likely thing to happen but you're a valued employee and her behaviour wasn't just a bit of roughhousing, it was a really disturbing campaign involving the police. Stick to official channels but go as far as you can.

This, have a chat with your manager. I'd go as far as putting a summary in writing (email).

Call this helpline for support & advice
www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/contact.html

She has done and there's a plan, op updated earlier on

Well done op, a great outcome!

@OhNotAnother great news! Well done OP. You have no reason to forgive the b^%€ because she hasn't even apologized ! She turned it into you two having had an argument and wanted to turn the page. So she's not taking any responsibility for what she did nor is she feeling any remorse. Ofcourse you can't forgive her on those premises. Just focus on your work and try to get therapy to be able to move forward. I don't even know you and I want to punch her in the face😅 so make sure your family and friends stay away from your workplace😂

Firstly op I think you are amazing turning your life around and glad you are still here being strong and amazing.
I’d ask for a meeting with HR and your manager and explain the whole situation. You have done nothing wrong and should not have to go into work feeling sick and having to face this person that put you through misery and trauma and stole the happiness of your teenage years from you and your family.
I have a feeling if you don’t say something it will fester away underneath and make you ill.

thank you for the update, your work supports are made from heaven
God Bless you with going forward

He murdered someone. I saw an ex teacher who told me.

This is a good update, I am glad they are keeping you safe.

Well done, @OhNotAnother , sounds like your work has your back and I just wanted to say that you have handled this really well. Good on you.

I am so pleased your workplace have helped you. I don't know how to add a message so it follows on. Dolla Dolla had asked what the crime was. He murdered someone .Many years later I met an ex teacher and he told me.

Well done @OhNotAnother

You've handled this really well and your employers sound like they have back

That's great you have the support of your work, op. And you're covered incase she tries anything (including spread lies). I hope she stays out your way now

Bloody good for you OP. I only hope she's suitably mortified now her new employees know she's a disgusting person.
You're handling this really professionally & youre not on your own against her now.
I hope the new measures work well.

What a dreadful situation for you. I’m so so sorry. All the advice given so far I totally agree with. If it were me I’d have to tell someone. This wasn’t just name calling but full on assaults.
My bully is now the BBC news presenter! So I have to see her every morning! Often wonder what I’d say if I saw her. Would love to drop the BBC a little email filling them in on her previous life but I should really move past it and not sure with their current record of who they deem acceptable to be the face of the BBC they’d actually give a shit 😬😂

well done OP. By making them aware of it, they can support you and also keep an eye on everything.

The bully could have turned her life around and be a completely different person now, but that doesn't change what she did to you, or lessen the awful impact that it had on your life. It is your prerogative to not have anything to do with her.

Good update, OP.

And some general points to a number of posters.

1. The OP's now new colleague would likely have been under no obligation to disclosed a spent conviction.

2. Employers are restricted as to what they can ask in relation to spent convictions

3. Discriminating or firing an employee with a spent conviction unrelated to their current role is generally not permitted.

4. Even further, an employer generally can't refuse someone a role because the applicant has a spent conviction or caution unless it makes them u suitable for the role.

So to all those posters saying a leopard doesn't change their spots/once a bully, always a bully/ she should be fired- well, that's as may be. But that is not the legal position

https://www.gov.uk/employer-preventing-discrimination/recruitment