To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

I am so sorry this has happened. It seems so unfair. I was bullied at school (not to the extent you were). Being an adult I have loved being free of that feeling in my stomach. It's awful you have been thrown right back there by fate.

Definitely get something lying on file with HR, especially mention the physical assaults too, as a PP mentioned.
Tell them this is not about revenge and you know they have no obligation to take any action, but that they should be aware of it because it is affecting your mental health.
Say that you don't want them to speak to her about it but you would appreciate some adjustments regarding WFH, etc. Even if they're unhelpful they will still have to record it.

Yeah, a few times. Especially after the beatings, she got an under 18 caution (wasn’t bothered in the slightest) and the rest of the time because there was 5 of them and 1 of me it was always my word against them- even though I had a battered face/swollen eye socket. It was a living nightmare. My mum actually ended up losing her job because I was so suicidal I couldn’t be left at home alone. I think that’s the most awful part, what it does to the whole family.

Yeah I’d go to HR and explain the very serious background here and then if she ever tries to be friendly with me, I would tell her firmly to never speak to me in person ever and that there is no way you are ever forgiving her. Her child is unfortunate to have such a poor excuse for a mother and hopefully she will atone for what she did by telling her children never to bully anyone.

But yeah that behaviour even if you are a teen at the time signals that you are fucked in the head. Even if you act all nice now as an adult, you’re still scum and always will be.

Hold your head up high, you've been through a lot.

I would maybe speak with a therapist as you have all that still inside you.

You have come so far, qualifications, good job, own home, be proud.

I swear, when I have old school 'friends' on social media, it's like we went to different schools, they had such a positive experience and had great school friends, and I just remember hiding in the corridors, being picked on for having a well off step dad or for being ginger with freckles. Life at school was hell for me and it really did effect me. They don't realise the damage they have done. Gone on and lived their loves without a care in the world.

You absolutely do not have to forgive her, especially because she is now a mum, I mean would she have apologised if she hadn't have become a mum or would she be sniggering in the corridors at work. She is the one with the problem here, and not you. And if it becomes too much, confide in a Manager at work, they are there to help you too.

And yeah definitely mention the beatings and police reports. If I were the employer I’d get rid of her.

That’s horrific OP I’m so sorry you went through that.

She's only apologising to make herself feel better, I wouldn't accept it. You're a different person now, look at her like the shit on your shoe she is, bullies should be ashamed of themselves.

Strong words but true. If you’re a dick (to put it mildly) at 15, then you’re fundamentally a dick forever. All she wants is you to say it was OK and for it not to affect her job; she’s not genuinely sorry or she’d have done something before now.

Agree with PP that you should disclose this past to HR proactively. You don't know if she has changed and is truly sorry or whether she hasn't and may resume old patterns so best to be on the front foot here.
Definitely get some support. I'm so sorry this must be stressful for you

Don't give up your lovely job for this cunt

Jesus she and the others sound awful. It must have been a horrible shock to see her. You did well to tell her to piss off.

I would absolutely disclose to HR in confidence. Two reasons. One to set out your difficult past caused by this person and its impact on your work environment, stress level, etc. And secondly - to be honest - to rattle her. She doesn’t have to ‘know’ that HR knows, but if she senses it, she may well leave.

I'd disclose to HR and my line manager. If you're worried about having to talk through it, write it out and then read it over the next day before you email it to them.

This wasn't normal bullying. It was harassment and the shouting abuse at her grandmother's funeral was probably a crime, though it doesn't sound like the OP or her parents reported it to the police. This woman drove OP to try and end her life by suicide. You think that OP should just forgive her? This woman has made no amends. She is just worried about her own job and reputation.

I agree with PPs who say to tell HR. I wouldn't trust this woman one inch and I certainly wouldn't believe her apology. I think if you don't cover yourself by telling HR there's a strong chance that she will get in there first and make some bullshit up, to make herself look the victim.

Don't let her. And don't let her chase you out of your job.

Straight to HR with this. Fuck her and her bullshit apologies. My stomach is in knots for you, what an awful situation.

I agree about HR. They should know how seriously this is affecting you.

Don't let her push you out. Don't ask to wfh. You are not that bullied girl anymore!
I would definitely tell your manager (at least), though I would be tempted to tell everyone she works with exactly who she was/is.
You have come so far, do not let her take anything more from you.
🫂 💐 x

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree with talking therapies as a good start.

I would also email HR & your manager, not necessarily asking them to do anything, but as a warning of “don’t put us together” “understand if there’s a rumour I’m not friendly to her” etc. Go into details like you have here, don’t just say she bullied you, give them all the details. Explain you are seeking therapy for the ptsd that has appeared with her arrival.
That should head off any claim from her that you aren’t being inclusive. & they should be moving her if it’s possible.

Yes you are both adults & it’s not works place to punish her for her childhood behaviour. But it is their place to protect your physical & emotional wellbeing in the workplace.

I go to HR and get it all on file, before she says you are bullying her by excluding her and not speaking to her, or she tries to get others to think badly about you.
I felt quite sick thinking about the stress of her turning up at your work.
If my bully turned up it would make me sick.

I agree that you should write it all down and then take it to HR. Keep it factual.

At least if its on record, they can keep an eye on her. She may well be sorry now, but that doesn't change the fact that she made your life hell.

I certainly wouldn't accept it. In fact I'd make a point of going to my line manager and telling them everything. Ask them to keep an eye out for you.
She's only apologising because she doesn't want you to tell everyone at work what a bitch she was.

I have no doubt that she is only 'sorry' to find out that you are working for the same company and that you might disclose what she did to you...

You were perfectly right to tell her never to speak to you again and that there is no way you would accept her so called apology.

I would also advise that you cover you back by disclosing this in confidence to your line manager and to ask them to keep a written record of it. Because that woman might try to again try to cause you some harm in the future at work.

Don't leave though. You like your job and if anyone should leave, it should be her.

The first hint of any dodgy dealings from her, report the whole thing to HR immediately and lodge an official complaint.

Maybe it is Karma in action and she will get what she deserves...