To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

Same. This was not some „minor“ bullying.

I would absolutely disclose this to HR asap. I personally write an email tbh.

I am not sure if I would OP’s mention suicide attempts. But I definitely would mention the fact that you had to be homeschooled due to the abuse.

Don‘t be quiet. That will give her power.

Are you able to change the days you work in the office?

I would be approaching HR to make sure they knew about it from a reputational risk perspective if that’s the kind of thing she’s capable of. And also to make sure that they knew the context well in advance and give you peace of mind were anything new to happen (not saying it would).

For you personally, it may help to remember that you are in the position of power now; you are in a great job that you are good at, you have a good life, you have overcome everything that was thrown at you and it has made you stronger.

Also, everything that happened to you and your family was not your fault.

On the other hand she has to deal with her poor choices and behaviours which are probably hitting her every day right now and which she’s probably realising may cause her to lose her job.

I just wanted to say what an amazing person you are OP. To have turned things around from wanting/trying to be dead, not being able to even be properly schooled to now having a masters and owning your own home, a full time job etc. wow! that is a real achievement and proof of the strong wonderful person you are.

My youngest sister was badly bullied at the same age and it was horrific, not just for her but the entire family. Like you, she is now a grown woman who managed to overcome all that nastiness and pain and has done so well for herself. I'm super proud of her but it definitely left a mark on all of us. No way would I expect my beautiful sister to forgive her bullies, they were absolutely vile and I hope karma has caught up with them.

I think any decent manager would want to know if you had been assaulted in the past by someone who is now a colleague. I think you have to tell them, set it all down in an email. If nothing else, if she does start any nonsense there's a paper trail. Do you have any official records of these incidents at all?

Gosh that's really difficult. I wouldn't want her pathetic apology either. Could you have a meeting with HR and your line manager/boss and explain the situation.

I agree. Did I do some things I’m not particularly proud of as a teen? Yes, sure. But repeated physical assault, disturbing a funeral, repeated and nasty rumours about a classmate’s health and sexuality?

That is not something anyone should excuse as „teenage“ behaviour. It’s incredibly worrying and serious.

I was bullied between the ages of 10-11 and that was 40 years ago. I will never ever forget or forgive them and if I had to work with one of the people who did it to me the most they would get from me would be icy politeness and conversation only if necessary and work related.

@OhNotAnother
I would honestly hold the higher ground here.
Let her make absolutely sure you do not forgive nor forget. However you are a professional, and will work as such if you are forced together. However, let her know you are no push over. Even if you still feel slightly intimidated (remember,fake it til you make it!) she’s now more worried about what you might say.
Surely you can do most of your communication by ultra professional emails….

I think you've handled it perfectly OP. You do not owe her absolution. As much as she would like you to accept her apology and free her from guilt, that's not your responsibility. I can imagine how upsetting it is for you to have to see her, and hope you continue to stay strong and not allow her back into your head. I would carry on exactly as you are, communicating as and when necessary for work. Although you may have to relax the email only rule if it's in business interests.
I think I'd avoid letting this be widely known. People often don't understand the impact of bullying and there will be people who think its just childish behaviour best left in the past. So you won't be guaranteed a sympathetic hearing at work I think, especially if she is liked and doing well in her job.

Oh Op I'm so sorry you went through that.

As it was taken to police then you have to go to HR and disclose confidentially. Don't mention suicide attempts. But tell them all else. She's an abuser. And much like other have said - leopards and spots.

Ignore what I said before. Don't wfh. But do document everything. Just in case. And defo go to HR.

BIG HUGS.

I think I would go to HR to have this information on record in case other issues arise - but only if you feel HR are relatively competent. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this.

I would tell HR/manager about this pre existing dynamic. No need to go super in depth about it, but cooly speak to them about it.
If this happened to someone in my team, I'd want to know because it could affect the team dynamics. I'd prefer to know before problems, and also so I could protect the individuals involved.

it was a conversation in the little kitchen as I was making a cup of tea. She came in and was sort of lingering and then said Hi. I ignored it. She then said “I’m sorry for what happened between us hoping we can turn a new leaf”. So I ignored again and turned to leave and she kinda stood there in front sort of blocking the way and just said “I’m a mum now and hope we can rise above it all for the sake of work etc and I’m sorry” and I just said “I don’t want you to speak to me ever again, if you need something for work then put it on email” and left it at that.

You've effectively taken a decision to limit communication with a team member. You can't really do that without letting management know why, because otherwise you are going to look unreasonable from the outside. You have nothing to be ashamed of, she does.

How awful for you to have her confront you like that.

I think she'll be looking for another job pretty quickly. I certainly wouldn't be the one to leave.

What I might do is talk to my boss and say everything you've said here, but not name her. Ask her what you should do and say you feel you can't work near her or with her. Would that be identifying if you did that?

I would tell HR or my line manager that you don’t feel comfortable working with this person. You don’t need to give all the details, but attempted suicide over bullying is more than enough to disclose. I don’t think you should be expected to work with someone who has physically hurt you in the past.

Remember that you hold the power here, OP. She’s probably terrified you will put her for her behaviour and/or get her sacked. You owe her less than nothing, so let her sweat.

This is awful for you OP and you don’t have to forgive her - it sounds like you have done the right thing in telling her to never speak to you again. She probably does feel ashamed but that is not your problem. If I were you I would let your line manager know - and explain how serious it was and that police were involved - don’t minimise anything. Not to get her sacked but so that they can ensure that you don’t end up in a situation where you have to work more closely with her. You enjoy your job - don’t let her take this from you or have any more power over you - she did enough damage in the past - you are in control now. *edited for spelling

Horrible situation OP, I was subjected to similar, but not at school, in a job in my late teens, I have so much empathy for you.
Agree that you need to go to HR. State the facts clearly and try not to get emotional. Tell them about the physical abuse, your need to be home schooled because of her bullying, and the subsequent police intervention.
HR need to understand that this wasn’t school girl banter that got out of hand, so they don’t dismiss it.
Personally, I don’t think you should change your job, or wfh. You’ve done nothing wrong, so let her stop affecting your life right now. You’re strong and better than her. Grey rock her. Hold your head up, and only engage in a professional manner with her when you have to. She’s nothing, absolutely nothing. Look how you turned your life around, be proud of yourself.

You aren't obliged to accept any apology but I can really see why you don't want to accept that one. It's not as bad as "I'm sorry you feel that way" but you don't couch an apology with an assumption or a request as to what the other person does as a result and you don't expect it to be all done with just because you said so. I suspect that if she'd said "I am so sorry for what I did, I realise now how wrong it is and will never do it again and I really hope you can forgive me", then you MIGHT feel differently about it (although you still wouldn't be obliged to accept it).

There's not much humility in that apology.

I would talk to hr or your manager and just put them in the picture ,

Have you thought about going to your manager
And explaining in detail what you wrote above
I'd also request they do not make you work with her .
I think your manager would want to know the sort of person they have working for them .
I don't think you should be expected to be put under that sort of pressure
I think your manager has a responsibility to your mental health.
If this bully had any sort of conscience she would leave and get another job.
Sadly though
Unless people have actually been through this themselves
They are unlikely to understand the impact it had on you ,
It isn't something you can just get over or move on from
It's trauma ,and it will effect you
I hope you find some peace ,and I hope if you talk to your manager,they understand

You did the right thing.

I think you should tell HR and have it on file, then at least there is a record should she try to spread false rumours or bully her own staff.

Let HR support you and make reasonable adjustments, they will know when she is in the office. I would also consider telling your line manager (could do this at the same time as HR). Do this asap.

Being a mother does not absolve someone from their behaviour, if she wanted to apologise so much she could have done so before working with you.

you sound amazing and have accomplished so much, I wish you nothing but happiness and you get the support you deserve

I'd tell everyone everyone she did. She destroyed your life, why should she get off scott free.