To find this off-putting - literacy

[StrawberryDream24]

Started seeing a man (he's mid 40s). Having met him through a sports club (unlike OLD) there was no messaging, other than brief texts, before we started dating.

It's increasingly becoming clear that he has literacy issues

He has not worked in roles that demanded good literacy.

He seems to prefer calling, I'm starting to think the literacy is the main reason why.

Aibu to find this off putting?

Would many people feel the same way?

@pikkumyy77 OP means the person whose texts she can’t decipher gets exasperated with her and explains to her as though SHE is obtuse (don’t you @StrawberryDream24 )

You’re saying you would pass up a man who is potentially genuine, kind, loving, faithful and an endless list of good qualities because he has a hard time spelling is literally insane.

No it’s not. That sets the bar very low. You can have genuine, kind loving faithful and clever man.

Regardless of how you feel about his spelling etc, it's the way he responded that I'd have a problem with. He sounds like a dick for getting uppity about you not understanding his message. We ALL have shortcomings, I find it deeply unattractive when people cannot accept theirs. IME it goes hand in hand with never being able to accept you're in the wrong.

(Unless of course you'd been rude in communicating that you didn't understand his message, in which case you probably deserved his response).

You should move on. He doesn't deserve this. He called you because he was frustrated. It can't be easy for him.

My dad's dyslexic. Except when he was in school that wasn't recognised. He has worked hard and was very respected in his job before retiring.

Just move on. Better for both of you.

Sounds like dyslexia. My husband is the same. In time you pick up what they mean/meant to say. Voice notes are his best friend. If you like him, I'd persevere

Oh come on, @DaisyChain505 - the OP is finding a trait unattractive. We find things unattractive for any number of irrational reasons.

I had a teenage boyfriend dump me because he hated my freckles. (We had a few sunny days and suddenly my face was freckled although it hadn’t been when we met.)That’s ok - I wouldn’t date someone who did certain jobs, no matter how lovely they seemed. I’m also prejudiced against incorrect use of apostrophes.

Everyone has arbitrary boundaries.

Not finding him attractive doesn’t mean he’s awful, nor that he’s condemned to a life of solitude. This woman on this day for this reason doesn’t fancy him.

Not sure why he doesn't voice note. Dyslexia wouldn't bother me. Really low intelligence would.

A friend once dumped a man because he didn't know what focaccia is. You can end it for whatever reason you like. Personally, I'd have to issues. the first is poor written comms - even if he is dyslexic or illterate for some other reason, there are options. He couldn't dbe clear with you up front abot this, explaining that therefore he prefers to talk in person or use voice notes or whateer. Or he could use a dictation service to send messages. It's not the complete disaster it would have been even 15 years ago.

Second issue is that when you don't understand his messages, he is rude and unpleasant. That's never okay. I could possibly maybe sympathise if he's never ever had a problem with anyone understanding him before and so he thinks you're being a bit dim... but then I'd still think he was being unnecessarily rude and a better answer woud be to dump you because you're not his intellectual equal. But, as it appears this is not likely to be a new, never-see-before problem, his behaviour is even worse.

If you otherwise like him, I'd address it... ask him what's up. eg my text messages can be complete rubbish if I'm not wearing my glasses. I'm at the point where I actually use voice notes sometimes as it's just too difficult to type otherwise. sigh.

You can't help what you find off putting. However, you have had to edit almost every single post you've made so far due to spelling errors. Maybe he would do the same if he had that option with his text messages

Similar with my dad. He grew up in rural Ireland at a time when education for the working classes in particular was poor. My grandparents weren't that "into" education (understatement!) and if something needed doing on their farm he didn't go in. As a result he had a literacy level of about age 7. But he went into the building trade and was a grafter who ended up running a small building company. I've got much better qualifications and am a registered nurse but could never get near his salary. He was a decent, kind hard working man who just happened to have a poor education.

My husband also has poor literacy. He's in his 60s and I think if he was 40 years younger he'd be diagnosed with dyslexia. His reading is OK but his writing, spelling and handwriting are poor. He struggles with typical dyslexia things eg telling b from p, knowing left from right and always has to ask me about spelling. Sometimes his FB posts are full of spelling errors but it's not his fault. He's actually of reasonably high intelligence and can more than hold his own in a conversation about world affairs, politics etc.

If there does appear to be a reason for it, don't hold it against him, as he's more than likely to be very conscious of it.

Maybe I'm shallow but I think it would be a deal breaker for me. I suppose it seems quite infantile. I also couldn't cope with a picky eater.

I find text speak awful and would find that off putting as it is a choice. But if someone is dyslexic and managed to make a life for themselves doing something manual instead then it isn't an issue. If you struggle with his text messages ask him to leave voice notes instead.

I think all the people suggesting voice notes and spell checkers are missing the point that somebody who knows their literacy is poor may simply not have the confidence and skills to use these methods. If you don't know what you're getting wrong you don't know what to check or change. You don't know that the proposed solution is correct either. Similarly, accessing literacy help (and I have worked as an adult literacy tutor and volunteer) - it takes a lot of courage to admit to lacking a skill that most people take for granted.

If he can’t read, he can’t read. Just phone the man or send voice notes. Any wonder he was exasperated, he’s obviously had a life time of struggling to communicate!

Also, I have some incredibly bright colleagues who are dyslexic and use special software to read them their work and help them spot errors. I think they are amazing to produce high quality work despite it being more difficult for them than others!

I'd find it off putting and embarrassing (assuming he isn't dyslexic), so I'd have to pass I'm afraid.

My DH is dyslexic. It doesn’t bother me at all because I’m not perfect either and he has plenty of other strengths.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to stop dating someone, end it if you want to.

It wouldn't put me off. I'd be put off by someone who judged others based on their literacy. Most people who struggle with literacy have some disability or learning need or had a very poor childhood that hindered their development.

The mansplaining when he's the one who made the mistake (even if he has bad literacy and it's not his fault) and being unpleasant about it is more what would put me off to be honest.

Seems a bit of a red flag early in a relationship.

That being said, I would find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who I couldn't ask for help with emails or send things to for them to read and discuss etc.

Totally depends if the literacy issues are dyslexia or more a difference in education levels I guess for me as could imagine a relationship would feel very fraught if one partner felt like the other was a lot smarter and was sensitive about that. You'll be forever treading on eggshells or feeling guilty.

I don’t think she’s being mean or judgemental at all. My husband is slightly dyslexic and my youngest son severely so. Neither of them get exasperated when I can’t understand what they’re trying to write.

I would be put off by literacy issues but being exasperated/annoyed that I couldn’t understand their crap spelling would really wind me up.

Ask him to send voice notes instead?!

It really annoys me when people spell things inaccurately because I know the effort I go to all the time to check spellings (I'm a highly functioning dyslexic and spell check words numerous times a day to compensate for this)

Lack of basic grammar, on the other hand, isn't easy to hide - you know the rules or you don't.

Don't pressure him to send you txts, just accept he prefers to call then in the future, when and if he feels comfortable with you he may open up but if you continue to pressure him into revealing the reasons for the illegible txt, it could be like rubbing salt on his wounds.

No, I was just asking questions because I didn't understand what he'd written.
Then he rang me.

He tends to call rather than message, I'm starting to think this is why.

The lack of literacy would put me off, yes.

However, what would really put me off would be him ringing to mansplain his text, in a way which implied that I was the one who was a bit dim.

It sounds to me like he is fully aware of his literacy issues, is probably a bit embarrassed by this on the quiet, and that he goes on the offensive when challenged, by attempting to make you, who can’t work out what on earth he is trying to say, feel like the one with the problem, and not him.