To find this off-putting - literacy

[StrawberryDream24]

Started seeing a man (he's mid 40s). Having met him through a sports club (unlike OLD) there was no messaging, other than brief texts, before we started dating.

It's increasingly becoming clear that he has literacy issues

He has not worked in roles that demanded good literacy.

He seems to prefer calling, I'm starting to think the literacy is the main reason why.

Aibu to find this off putting?

Would many people feel the same way?

I thought I'd be like this, because I read SO much, and always have done. I didn't ever think I'd marry someone who didn't read. DH doesn't read books at all. He reads the news, endless information online about every topic under the sun, his literacy is excellent and he's very intelligent. But he doesn't read books.

Turns out, it doesn't bother me at all. He's loyal, kind, caring and when I became disabled he dropped everything he did in his spare time to care for me. He never needs reminding of anything, he does all the cooking, shopping, laundry and cleaning, and we have so much other stuff in common it seems ridiculous now to have ever considered not being with him because he doesn't read books. But then I was only in my early 20s when I met him so I've matured since then.

DM was keen for me to do the Pitman training in the early 80s, shorthand and typing. I decided it wasn't for me and wasn't going to pay for it.

This.

Perhaps he felt very embarrassed, he has probably spent his life having people call out his spelling…

Spot on.

I dont think it’s unusual to want someone with shared interests! As a PP my other half reads a lot, although not necessarily books, whereas I am slowly turning a room into a library. More to the point he understands the importance of literature in general so is happy to indulge me with associated activities on holiday for example - someone so lacking in literacy as the man in the OPs post is hardly going to do that which is why it would be a deal breaker.

This is spot on

I don’t think it’s silly, or a sign of your immaturity that you didn’t think you’d suit someone who didn’t read books. It turned out you were ok with it, but it wouldn’t have suited me at 20 and it wouldn’t suit me at 52. Everyone has different sticking points.

Aggh - this makes it worse… coupled with:

“I don't know if I could gently approach it with him. His reaction to me now understanding his message makes me think not.”

It’s not just about the lack of literacy. From what you have described he doesn’t sound particularly clever or emotionally intelligent. You will never be able to have open and honest conversations with him - he sounds like the type to take offence easily. Plus he is going to start to annoy you very quickly with his anecdotes. I think you should throw this one back OP.

Everyone of course has a right to not want to date someone for whatever reason. I guess it depends on the passion/interest for me. I wouldn’t be put off by a passionate angler for instance but I wouldn’t be sharing that passion. At least with reading it’s not like they’re on a golf course or fishing boat every spare moment.

If the illiteracy came with other problematic issues, such as ignorance about the world around them or narrow mindedness then it would put me off, but not bad spelling/grammar as a stand alone flaw and everything else was lovely.

I was a huge book worm growing up but I have never dated a man who read a book. My ex had a high flying job with a good six figure salary but never voluntarily read a book in his life. My previous long term bf ran his own business but never read a book. I don’t think it’s that’s unusual. My dad did read but he only ever read books set in war times (my mum never read). I think it would be nice to have a conversation here and there about books but I don’t need it to be a whole lifestyle. (My two lovely, well educated sons don’t read either).

It seems odd to be talking about books as an entity. Or as a lifestyle.

If people have interests they read about those interests - they’re not reading books for the sake of books - history, literature, politics, philosophy, art, architecture, music, science, natural history, geography, zoology, business, finance, economics etc.

I did that. It changed my life actually. I was in a job I hated at the time but felt I had nothing to offer except a couple of O levels. Once I got my Pitman’s qualifications I got all sorts of jobs. I worked in television, a record company, a publishing company, a whole range of industries.

People won’t date people who don’t read so I think it must be some kind of lifestyle.

I could cope with dating a man whose literacy was poor - but only if he acknowledged this and was open to improving. What I couldn't cope with would be a man who wore his lack of general knowledge as a badge of achievement, one of the 'people who know stuff are stupid, all you need is to know how to drive fast/load boxes/run round looking busy' type of person.

I went out with a guy who had never heard of the English Civil War and never spent more than fifteen minutes in any museum. I love history and wanted to be able to discuss current findings or past events and with him I couldn't. He had no interest in the subject (or any subject other than cars) and so we couldn't continue a relationship because we had nothing to talk about.

I'm a writer and my partner's dyslexic. It doesn't bother me at all. If he reacted badly when sometimes I don't understand what he's trying to say (by text) that would be a problem.

I went out with a guy once whose ignorance was so astounding it was a complete turn off. They say curiosity is a sign of intelligence well he had not once of curiosity about anything. I had to get shot of him because he was so horribly incurious. He could write perfectly well though.

Honestly, he doesn't sound attractive all things considered. The condescension and boorishness especially.

I agree. I also predict you will start getting snippy comments about your level of education in an attempt to put you down (or rather, compensate for the chip on his shoulder).

I got very fed up with this kind of thing from an exP, who used to use me as a walking dictionary/encyclopedia when he couldn't be bothered to look things up, but then seemed to resent the fact that I knew the answers! He was by no means uneducated (a former teacher) but I am more academic and have broader general knowledge.

Well done!! Unfortunately, I was am directionless and didn't know what I wanted to do.

So many people on this thread lack basic reading comprehension. Shes said several times its not the spelling mistakes. Its how he reacted to her and how his messages are illegible, I don't think not being able to communicate being a deal breaker is ridiculous.

I would. It doesn't seem odd to me in the slightest and I am not sure why it does to you. Reading books used to be a fairly normal activity and I am finding that people who don't read are not particularly enriching company.
I find discussing philosophy much more interesting than watching Love Island or bickering about what's for tea. I am choosing my life partners accordingly. Doesn't everyone do that?

It wouldn't bother me provided he was of the level of intelligence I'd want in a partner. I'm not fussed about formal education. Inate intelligence and wit are more important and I've found these things many times in men who can are no fan of the written word. I'd be more bothered if it bothered him, he had a hang up about it, it impeded his life or was a sign he wasn't too bright.

Yes, everyone does do that. Nobody would bat an eyelid if you said you preferred a partner who shares your passion for nature, heavy metal or cookery. But books? Nope. You're being snobbish and elitist

I think for me reading or not reading doesn’t tell you anything about a person’s character (though it might tell you a bit about their personality). Not reading wouldn’t be a red flag for me because an avid reader could also be an abusive jerk and a non reader could be a sweetheart.