To find this off-putting - literacy

[StrawberryDream24]

Started seeing a man (he's mid 40s). Having met him through a sports club (unlike OLD) there was no messaging, other than brief texts, before we started dating.

It's increasingly becoming clear that he has literacy issues

He has not worked in roles that demanded good literacy.

He seems to prefer calling, I'm starting to think the literacy is the main reason why.

Aibu to find this off putting?

Would many people feel the same way?

If he was otherwise thick, and unkind, and in any way bigoted, which people with poor literacy often are

What the hell am I reading here ?? On a civilised forum in 2024!!!

Care to explain your utterly appalling comments?

Or do you not care that YOU are the ignorant bigot??

It would absolutely put me off, and it has in the past, and it's one of my online dating rules that they have to be able to spell and punctuate properly. I went out with someone for a year who I met IRL and overlooked the issue with him (bad enough that, like you, sometimes I had absolutely no idea wtf the texts said and I would spend ages trying to figure them out). The relationship failed because he was a bastard in other ways, but since then I have stuck to my guns. I find illiteracy completely unattractive and yes, I know the arguments regarding dyslexia, etc, but it's my thing and I won't deviate from it. If it gives you the ick, OP, and he's now done other stuff that you don't like, I'd dump and run.

‘ he was otherwise thick, and unkind, and in any way bigoted, which people with poor literacy often are‘

So people with ‘poor literacy’ are often ‘bigoted etc’ in your world view. Wow. That’s one of the most unpleasant statements I’ve read on here. Have you ever considered what people who are cleverer or more educated than wonderful you may think of you?

I'm not sure you've actually said whether he's intelligent and articulate op? If yes, then I could get past this. The two do seem intertwined though...my speech used to be quite poor but since I started typing a lot online, it improved dramatically and I'm reasonably articulate now.

As a PP said, written English can be worked on...I have a mildly dyslexic (autistic) DS who reads for hours and hours each day and his English skills are now exceptional.

It's a bit tiresome that when anyone dares to criticise anyone else's grammar, so many posters scrutinise their posts and point out tiny faults!

It would put me off. Not his fault, and he may be perfectly nice, but if I'm looking for a life partner and a potential father to my kids, being literate and educated are essential.

Every single post I’ve ever read where a woman asked if she was being unreasonable to find anything offputting about a potential partner (literally anything: drink choice, missing teeth, religion, inability to drive) has resulted in a pile on. Quite a lot of posters on MN apparently think women should take all comers. To do otherwise would be unkind/classist/ableist/(insert nonsense here). 🤣

OP, you’re entitled to like or dislike ANYTHING about this man. ANYTHING can be a dealbreaker. The fact that he might be dyslexic, have had a hard childhood or…whatever - it’s all
irrelevant. Nobody is entitled to your time or your lady bits.

I’d dump him for the lack of literacy. And, because of the mansplaining, I probably wouldn’t be particularly nice about it.

Spot on. I would also add that text-to-speech software is now very accurate and bundled into the OS of pretty much any smartphone or tablet. I have a severely dyslexic colleague who uses it for everything, and to read the responses aloud to him too. It's not 100% foolproof and it misses the odd homophone sometimes but a severely dyslexic person can choose to avail themselves of some pretty incredible technology these days.

You’re not being unreasonable. All of the posters berating you are hilarious. Some people are so unreasonable it boggles the mind.

So easy to get spell correct app -even free ones.

This wouldn’t work for me, regardless of whether the reason was interrupted schooling, dyslexia or some other reason. One of the constants in all of my relationships and friendships is articulacy and fluency in writing and speech.

I grew up with only semi-literate parents. I taught my mum to read when I was 11 or 12. I’ve taught literacy in prisons as a volunteer. It’s not something I’m interested in having in my personaL life.

OP, I wouldn’t feel at all guilty about ending it. You wouldn’t see me for dust.

I have a friend like this. I think it's undiagnosed dyslexia or something.

At first I used to correct his spelling.

But he even gets words wrong, for example "purly whites". He was referring to teeth. ie "Pearly whites". Purl is a knitting stitch.

He can't seem to sound things out and then put the letters on paper. eg breekie. That's supposed to be the short version of breakfast. In Scotland where we are breeks are trousers. So it takes a minute to think about what he means. Daily.

I find I'm having to read between the lines continually. It's tiring.

Part of me thinks he's been let down by the educational and medical professions in his youth 50 years ago and that's not his fault. I should be the bigger person and look past it empathetically.

The other part of me is just irritated by it and also the fact he never learns no matter how many times I've tried to help. So that would make me think he's not interested in improving himself.

Is very frustrating and annoying. I look past it as he's a good person. Doesn't mean I don't growl under my breath when reading practically every text and wish he'd try harder.

If you're not in this situation it's easy to be all self righteous about it and say ignore it, but it's not so easy when it's every day with no improvement or effort to improve.

I'd speak to him about it gently and then decide how to proceed.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't communicate clearly and then got arsey with me for not understanding his garbled messages.

If you are in the early days of dating, you don't need any deeper reason for thinking this is not the man for you.

If he was dyslexic and knew it, he could use work-arounds like speech-to-text apps or just leave voice notes rather than texting.

If he’s in his Forties, high chance he had undiagnosed dyslexia.
If the grammar is good, but the spelling awry, it wouldn’t put me off.
I know people in their 40’s with dyslexia ~ very skilled at what they do, but we’re failed at school.

Just to add that recently he actually got exasperated with me because I couldn't make out when he was saying by text - because of misspelling; he rang me and spoke to me with an exaggerated, slightly exasperated tone.

^

This would put me off, not the poor spelling

It sounds like he has severe dyslexia or a very poor education. Do you think that his mansplaning could be him trying to hide his embarrassment at his poor literacy skills?

Instead of worrying about meaning behind how and what he said, maybe have a frank and open discussion about how he made you feel and how you can support him. If he is open, honest, and understanding of your feelings then it's worth trying again, but if he continues to hide behind poor behaviour it's not.

You put things perfectly.

OP if it's giving you the ick you are not right for this guy as you will continue to judge him. Let him find someone that appreciates his qualities.

Yes, extremely off - putting.
In fact, I'd go my own way.

Does he come across as unintelligent in general or just in written form?
I feel like that is the crux of the issue.
Mansplaining is usually used when a man explains something to you presuming you wouldn't know it because you're just some idiot woman but in fact you do fully understand it. It doesn't sound like he was mansplaining as you have already said you didn't know what he was talking about.

never mind his literacy, what’s his intellect like? Is he curious, smart, witty, open minded, interesting?

Yes YABU. I'm definitely a bit dyscalculic - or crap at maths - my DP is great at maths but quite dyslexic. He doesn't hold my crap maths against me and I don't hold his dyslexia against him. In fact it's good, we help each other out.

I think you need to have an open conversation about it. Say that you can see he has a bit of a problem spelling, and that you find it a bit difficult to understand as a result, try and make a joke, if he then continues to huff and puff about it rather than make light, it would be that that put me off rather than the spelling. A lack of humour in a relationship is a big no no for me.

I would find it extremely off-putting, I couldn't abide it and would get rid of him. I wouldn't care about his good qualities, I just couldn't bear to be with someone who couldn't spell or had any literacy problems, whether caused by dyslexia or poor education or any other reason.

It would put me off yes - as it indicates a lack of basic education and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t educated to a basic level. It may not be through his choice and some people will call you judgemental but you can be put off by someone for whatever reason you like.

what do you know about his educational background? Does he have qualifications in anything? Do you feel you could approach it gently with him?

Everyone is different. I’m only interested in men who are highly educated. Only you can judge if it’s a dealbreaker.

I worked with someone with dyslexia who was functionally illiterate and in denial. They'd get angry when I and many others didn't understand their garbled messages. It wasn't fun. I wouldn't date a man who can't deal with his own shortcomings.