To find this off-putting - literacy

[StrawberryDream24]

Started seeing a man (he's mid 40s). Having met him through a sports club (unlike OLD) there was no messaging, other than brief texts, before we started dating.

It's increasingly becoming clear that he has literacy issues

He has not worked in roles that demanded good literacy.

He seems to prefer calling, I'm starting to think the literacy is the main reason why.

Aibu to find this off putting?

Would many people feel the same way?

Imagine trying to convey a thought or a feeling and being forced to do it backwards, upside down, or in any way that felt difficult and uncomfortable. Then when you have done it, slowly, surely and with difficulty you are questioned about it because you found it hard to express yourself in that way. Then the questioner wonders why you have become irritated.

Why is texting more important than a voice call?

I have literacy problems, I live with stealth dyslexia and I was late diagnosed. I was constantly pulled up on spelling, hand writing, grammar, and lack of attention, because some dyslexics have auditory processing issues too.

I have A levels I took at night school while working and studying under a government scheme and later two degree level qualifications all while not knowing I had this difference, all hard won. I am not of a lower intelligence nor more poorly educated, nor badly read than anyone else but all I need to do is write a note, or a text, I am perceived as such.

So go on, stand on your head, with a hand behind your back, while being questioned by 5 toddlers, with music blaring in one ear and hold a conversation via text, see how easy it is. That's how difficult texting feels to me.

Before many people read, dyslexia and illiteracy was never an issue. People who live with dyslexia are different thinkers, not stupid or illeducated and neither are many illiterates. Our education system is still not set up to cope with people who learn differently, nor is or society, and yet without us there is so much we would not have in the world. It is not the person living with learning difficulties who is at fault, it is the system in which we are taught that has it wrong. Yet we blame the dyslexic or those living with other learning difficulties, not the system that constantly fails a section of our population.

There is too much shame visited on people with literacy issues, for what ever reason they may have them. If you cannot accept his difficulties, you don't have to, you can leave at any point. Both of you can be free to find someone you both find attractive, neither of you deserves to be in a relationship that makes either of you unhappy.

Yes it absolutely would put me off. Ignore the virtue-signalling posters who are claiming to believe that choosing who to date based on qualities you find important and off-putting is tantamount to prejudice and discrimination (rather than actuallh being the totally normal way that virtually everybody chooses who to date). You don't owe anyone a relationship or even a date. I'm a linguist and a big reader. It's very important to me to have interests and level of intellect and education in common with a partner. So shoot me.

You cannot improve dyslexia.

Yabu
Are you good at everything. Are you perfect.

Horrible Post.
What's not being able to spell got to do with how he is a person, how he treats you etc.

I'm not sure I understand your post. Do you think someone needs to be "perfect" in order to criticise something? In which case you must consider yourself to be perfect to criticise OP.

I get it, it’s not quite the same, but I feel the sentiment is. It is more difficult in the early days as texting is the main way of communicating but if he has better qualities it might be worth persevering. For me, conversation is important. I want to be with someone that I can connect with on an intellectual level and tbh DP and I do tend to talk rather than messaging.

My boyfriend and son are both dyslexic. I often have to work out what they mean texting. Both are incredibly intelligent and interesting.

I don’t think OP’s problem is that her potential new man has dyslexia though. If he has dyslexia then he hasn’t been honest about it and has been arsey about the fact that she has struggled to interpret simple text messages from him - which is not a good sign. If he was emotionally intelligent then he would have been able to discuss this with her without making her feel like she is an idiot for not understanding him.

My DP works in construction, didn’t really go to school, and can’t spell for shit. He has got a bit better in the years we’ve been together, to be fair. But whereas normally poor spelling would really put me off, with him it’s different. I absolutely adore him in every way, I couldn’t care less about the spelling, I even find it kind of endearing 🤣. He is incredibly intelligent, extremely practical and does actually know a lot about a lot.

So if it’s bothering you I’d say that either you’re just not that into him and trying to find fault, or he’s the type of person who can’t spell and is also a bit thick, and that’s what’s putting you off.

I can usually tell a racist as soon as I see their spelling. I should have worded it the other way around, perhaps. I'm saying that most racists are thick, not that most people with poor literacy are racist.

Yes. Racists are usually thick.

I totally understand what you mean. I'm a teacher (have two jobs in fact - one in a school working with children with specific ND, and private tuition in a niche subject) and know that the degree of dyslexia that someone has cannot be changed. We have to create individulised learning plans, often trying many different strategies and sensory routes in order to help people with learning difficulties to learn successfully and reach their potential. One of my children is ND, and although she is extremely intelligent, she has to work longer and harder for her successes than her sibling does.

However, we do not know that the OP's partner is dyslexic, and the fact that he was very patronising while explaining his intended meaning puts the blame for the breakdown in communication firmly at the OP's feet. From the small snapshot of information that she has provided, it seems that he is either in denial about his difficulties with writing, or does not feel the need to work on them. I accept that the information we have is limited.

To the PP who wrote about her partner with EAL, I would absolutely love this. What an opportunity for both of you to learn from each other! You could even learn a whole new language if you wanted to.

Why? They're two completely different situations. Choosing who to have a relationship with means you make an active choice for qualities you want, and finding someone very unattractive because they are terrible at spelling( due to dyslexia or any other reason) is the same as finding them unattractive for any other reason, and that's perfectly fine.
You often see women on here saying they would never go out with anyone overweight or shorter than them. Well, being unable to spell is just another criteria. I'd actually bet that quite a few of the holier than thou women saying that they wouldn't care if a man couldn't spell and it's terrible of other women to do so will be the same ones saying they couldn't possibly be attracted to a man shorter than them.
Give me an overweight, shorter but highly educated man with good spelling any day over a tall muscly man who can't spell.

With children, you get what you're given and you deal with it, and give them as much support as you can. Whether someone will find them attractive as an adult is something you can't do anything about.

@JubileeJuice that's not what you said though, is it?

I have dated a man who was completely illiterate. It’s didn’t work out between us but not due to that. He was decent and a hard worker.

it ended because (probably due to his literally skills) he relied on his mother for everything and I suspect she wrote the texts to me (before I knew)

I didn’t want to take on all the paperwork in the house, be the one who always did the homework and it wasn’t nice to have to read the menu to him on nights out

No, which is why I've already explained I should have written it the other way around. I'm literally defending the guy.

HTH

He deserves a partner who doesn't find his literacy levels a source of amusement.

Don’t preach to me as if I’m stupid .I stand by comment because the way some people on here are commenting on dyslexia is horrendous .

If he was otherwise thick, and unkind, and in any way bigoted, which people with poor literacy often are, then no
This is a horrible comment.

I'm dyslexic and post-graduate qualified. I probably would have found it off-putting if a potential partner couldn't write a simple text message clearly. As it happens the man I married is also dyslexic, and has a PhD. Being dyslexic, I value simplicity and clarity, and put a lot of effort into my work so that it is correctly spelled and punctuated. Grammar is still a bit of a tricky one, but I work on it.
I would never call someone to be sarcastIc because that person had difficulty in understanding what I'd written, that is just really rude.

Really helpful perspective, @TunnocksOrDeath. I think you have summed up part of what I was trying to say: most people with dyslexia are aware of their difficulties and work really hard to overcome the challenges it brings. The OP's partner doesn't sound like that at all, with his sarcastic and patronising phone rants.

I'm sorry that you don't understand what I mean, despite my correction. If you think racists are intelligent beings, you do you.

If phone calls aren't always possible why not use voice notes? I wouldn't say it's a reason not to see someone though.

I would find it off putting, because such a huge part of connection and joy in my life comes from reading - articles, novels, acquiring knowledge or world views.

BUT there are loads of reasons people end up with poor literacy that aren't linked to intellect or curiosity. So if everything else feels good I wouldn't tank it for this. Find other ways to connect & communicate.

And posters on here deserve responses from people with reading comprehension but ...it is what it is.