To be a bit annoyed to be told to ‘be the parent’?

[givemeaminuteplease]

I know that people will read the title and jump to an immediate YABU but hear me out.

18 month old DD is at that stage where she’s not happy about the pushchair. Obviously she sometimes has to go in it and she will tolerate it for short periods then starts wanting to get out.

Discussing a local event with a friend we went to last year and I said quite light heartedly I would give it as miss this year as it was so busy and DD would not be happy about the pushchair. She got quite arsey and said I needed to ‘be the parent’ and DD would have to go in it.

But the whole point of the event is that it’s for children / a family day and if we don’t enjoy it because we’ve got a whining toddler arching her back and trying to escape then what’s the point? Surely that isn’t ’not being a parent’ it’s just common sense? Or AIBU?

I think that's called 'picking your battles' - so I'm with you. If it's not an essential outing and it would be miserable for both of you, then skip it.

Save the battles over being in the pushchair for when it is essential for safety or logistics.

I'm with your friend. Slippery slope letting an 18 month old be the boss.

Perhaps two issues, your DC not liking the pushchair is just one of those things but yes, sometimes you do have to just force them into it and get on with your day. I had a friend who would spend 15 mins cajoling her DC into his pram or car seat whilst he did the plank manoeuvre to avoid it. It was agonising to watch, thinking ‘just get on with it!’

The event isn’t worth going to if you don’t think you’ll enjoy it, irrespective of pushchair issues.

Have you tried her on baby reins? Especially the backpack ones? Might give her some of the independence she wants, even in the busier places.

Tell them you ARE being the parent and you’ve decided your family won’t enjoy it this year.

Yep.

I’m with you. I don’t see the point in spending money and time on an optional activity where a large percentage will be spent listening to my toddler screeching and trying to escape the buggy. It just won’t be enjoyable for any of us.

I mean technically she's probably right but its a very annoying and up yourself phrase and it would irritate me too. I just wouldn't presume to tell anyone how to parent.

If it’s an optional activity and you already know it would be miserable then I think you’re fine to give it a miss. Something like an essential trip to the doctor, or that your other kids want to do, that’s when you have to stand your ground IMO.

Though I would say that as long as you don’t give in immediately when thd kids start whining and get them out, and the pushchair is comfy (we got things like footmuffs etc) it’s good to get them through the phase pretty quickly- I had the opposite problem- my 4 yr old loved the pushchair and never wanted to walk!

YANBU. It can be a real struggle trying to keep some of them in a pram / pushchair. But it’s a relatively short phase, it’s over before you know it (though it doesn’t feel like it at the time) and it doesn’t mean you are a walk over about everything or will never make them do anything they don’t want to. It can be a hard stage because there’s no reasoning with them.
Saying “be the parent” is really patronising and people who say are generally a gigantic pita.

I'm with your friend.
Not about the activity.
But about letting your DD dictate about the pushchair

It’s irrelevant though because the 18 month old isn’t being the boss. The parent preempting the behaviour of their child and not allowing it to get to that point in the first place is very clearly a demonstration of a parent being in charge.

My 16yo was like that at that age. Your friend has clearly not had a determined little back archer who will shriek. My DS sat happily. My dd hated going in the buggy and did as your dd does.

Children are different and need different parenting accordingly. It' s not giving in to the behaviour if the OP avoids the event. It's avoiding a problem.

I'd avoid it as well.

YANBU per se, but I agree with your friend that it's a slippery slope. You take the pushchair and a rein. She can walk, but when she's tired, pushchair it is.

If it's an outing for children and your child will hate it because they're in the pushchair the whole time then obviously don't go

Your not obliged to go to a local event. And your DD isn't being the boss, she won't know you aren't going to the event because she hates being in the pushchair, you aren't reinforcing bad behaviour by not going.

Letting the 18 month old ‘be boss’ would be going, then either letting them run amok out of the buggy or keeping them in the buggy and listening to them shriek and wail the whole time. Both options would likely impact the experience for others.

Parenting is realising that some events just aren’t appropriate for your child given their stage of development. An 18 month old doesn’t have the cognition to realise an event isn’t happening because of their dislike of the buggy!

She's not though. It's not like she's going and then as soon as her DD screams letting her out. There's no reinforcement of bad behaviour by not going and it doesn't sound like OP is particularly missing out by not going.

YANBU. There are plenty of other times your DD will need to be strapped into the pushchair because you have to run an errand or go to the dr etc. On those occasions you’ll need to “be the parent” and insist.

Going to a local event is optional. No need to have the fight if you know her whining will ruin it for everyone.

Why would you not go to the event because of it?

Can't you just take her and let her in/out of the pushchair?

You are being the parent, by deciding this isn’t an event your family will enjoy this year. It’s no different to deciding not to go to a fancy restaurant for dinner at 7pm because your eighteen month old will likely cry and not eat the food or avoiding taking her to the ballet because she’d be bored and whine through it. She’s eighteen months old, not ten years - she’s hardly going to be reasonable!

It’s not like your toddler is sitting at home thinking “Ha, I showed her - we didn’t go to x event because I won’t sit in the pushchair, I won!!”

Yes you might try go and be the parent, but are YOU gonna enjoy it? Or this is going to be nightmare for you and you gonna end up being stressed out?
If you say yes to second then none should convince you to do otherwise.

I'd have them in and out pushchair - carry for a bit and have backpack reins so they could walk - and still go - but if it's too much and no-one going to enjoy it why bother.

As long as when you do need them in pushchair they are in then I really don't see an issue.

Generally she doesn’t want to walk, she wants to be carried (not in a backpack style carrier either, in my arms) which is obviously impractical.

I don’t think I’m letting her be the boss, I’m just genuinely puzzled at what the point of going to an activity no one would enjoy would be!

My youngest has always hated the pram. We went to a festival and it was a nightmare. We bought one of those wagons that you pull along and it was a game changer! What kid doesn’t love a wagon? And you can keep all your stuff in it too

God I’d be quite stunned if a friend of mine told me to ‘be the parent’…. It’s quite a superior/condescending thing to say! It implies she’s been watching your parenting and has judged that usually you’re too soft, and she disapproves. And that you should respect her judgement and take her disapproval seriously.

Not particularly friendly at all!