To be a bit annoyed to be told to ‘be the parent’?

[givemeaminuteplease]

I know that people will read the title and jump to an immediate YABU but hear me out.

18 month old DD is at that stage where she’s not happy about the pushchair. Obviously she sometimes has to go in it and she will tolerate it for short periods then starts wanting to get out.

Discussing a local event with a friend we went to last year and I said quite light heartedly I would give it as miss this year as it was so busy and DD would not be happy about the pushchair. She got quite arsey and said I needed to ‘be the parent’ and DD would have to go in it.

But the whole point of the event is that it’s for children / a family day and if we don’t enjoy it because we’ve got a whining toddler arching her back and trying to escape then what’s the point? Surely that isn’t ’not being a parent’ it’s just common sense? Or AIBU?

She doesn't need any. All primary teachers are experts on all children. Do keep up!!

Sister was one. Lectured me about my children and vaunted her vast knowledge. I said, ,"you don't have to take them home with you!" She had a long list of all the things her kids wouldn't be doing.... How I laughed when they did!!

Yes you can be the parent and force your child into situations that they don't like - and most parents do (eg car seats). But I'm with you - 'being the parent' in this case is possible but not fun for anyone so why bother. Pushing a toddler about who is purple faced from screaming, is not enjoyable for them, you, or your friend.

It’s not as though the OP doesn’t use the push chair when she needs to, she’s said sometimes her DD has to go in it. Just that things with a push chair aren’t things her DD enjoys, so why go if the point of going is to enjoy it?

Surely your DC’s enjoyment should dictate what things you do for their enjoyment?

Sometimes you need to lose a battle to win the war. Some things just aren't worth fighting with a toddler over. Have you thought of a compromise of maybe one of these:

https://www.boots.com/kinderkraft-aston-trikerose-pink-10337553?cm_mmc=bmm-buk-google-ppc--PLAs_HeroCompare---_-pmax_mother%26baby__gg_shopping__hc-top250___pmedia&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3dr9gdiBigMVA5VQBh3v-y5iEAQYBSABEgIyoPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Empathise not emphasise

I am with you in theory but I also wonder why you can’t let the toddler walk. Why would you keep them in the pushchair the whole time? think previous posters have just been trying to give you suggestions to make it easier.

Who’d have thought such an innocent post would trigger so many self righteous mums. Do they think they all deserve awards for having kids who were happy to be strapped motionless into a buggy?? 🤣🤣
I didn’t realise that ALL children were absolutely identical to one another rather than individuals, and their personalities are the fault of parenting and not just them being themselves with their own dislikes and preferences 🤣

Not worth the battle of wills, ime. A children's event that an 18 month old likely won't appreciate as much as it will be a pain for you to endure with DD wanting out in such a busy place; doesn't sound like much fun for for either of you at this age DD is in.
Just leave it, I would. Forget what your friend's said, let her go and have a good time, maybe next year or the year after for maximum fun for both of you and your DD?

Ah I missed this, sorry. All children are different, aren’t they.

But the friend was specifically saying that the child would have to go in the pushchair for this event , and that’s what OP is disagreeing with. So you’re not really agreeing with the friend surely?

Yes absolutely this @PotteryOne. Some events just aren't suitable for one reason or another and if it's an optional event then it's sensible to decide it just won't work for your family.

I wish the annoying parents of a toddler in the cinema last weekend had taken that view, rather than having either a wailing toddler being forced into their seat or a shrieking toddler actually running around at the front of the screen. Both options annoying for everyone else and very little evidence of parenting being undertaken!

It's perfectly sensible to avoid going to some places due to the behaviour of your children. Mine won't be going for afternoon tea at Claridge's any time soon. I could strap them into buggies but the older one is a bit big at 7 and I'd have to gag them as well.

You are "being the parent" by weighing up whether or not this event is worth it for your dd and yourself. Tell her to "be the friend" by respecting boundaries and refraining from behaving like a selfish arse.

Sometimes good parenting is bailing on a bad situation.

How rude! You were being the parent. You were weighing up the pleasure your DD would get from the event against her displeasure at the pushchair and making a parental decision. Your friend has her nose out of joint because your decision doesn't suit her preference for you to go. But that's not a lack of parenting on your part so she was completely out of order.

She sounds rude. Ds1 used to scream and bang his head on the side of the pushchair whenever he sat in it. I used to be mortified going out in public when it happened, especially as he was huge and looked older than his age! Screamed in the high chair and car seat since he was a newborn. Used to throw himself on the floor whenever I tried to put his reigns on him. When he turned 2 1/2 he suddenly stopped having tantrums and has been placid ever since. Happily holds my hand when walking.
My youngest is the complete opposite. Will happily sit in his pushchair and car seat without any crying.

Yanbu. Sometimes, absolutely, you need to ‘be the parent’ when there’s no choice eg school run for older sibling and they need to go in the buggy for you to get there on time. For an optional event that’s intended for children/families then yanbu for giving it a miss - your toddler wouldn’t be happy being in the buggy so wouldn’t enjoy it and you wouldn’t enjoy it due to your toddler whining, so why bother?

I think it’s a shame to miss out on a fun event with friends because your daughter doesn’t like the pushchair, that seems OTT to me.

If you didn’t want to go could you not use reins or a carrier? But if you don’t want to go to the event aside from the pushchair issue that’s fair enough.

It isn’t a fun event with friends, I think you’ve misunderstood, but even if it was, it wouldn’t be much fun if DD screamed all the way through it.

I honestly think some people aren’t realising what I mean when I say busy. I don’t mean ‘quite a lot of people.’ I mean people jam packed cheek by jowl into small tents. A tiny toddler on reins would be trampled!

Ignore your friend. If it's going to be miserable then don't go. You can't reason with an 18 month old.

Some people just can't wrap their head around the fact that what works for their child doesn't work for all children.

This. Wankleman is simply rephrasing that the child is in charge😐

It’s not about getting in a pushchair at the appropriate time thought is it? It’s about an 18 month old who doesn’t want to sit in a pushchair for a long time-which makes sense-some children won’t and it’s unnecessarily stressful to deal with. I’m with you and my eldest two are 17 months apart, my youngest has additional needs and I’m an EYFS teacher, so I don’t take any nonsense! But I wouldn’t do this activity.

Geniuine question here - for all the people that said child shouldn't dictate what family should and shouldn't do, let's say OP decides to participate in the event, puts her 18 month old in the pram, and the child is screaming when in pram, screaming when in baby carrier, only solution is to be carried in mums hands? When do you do then? Geniuine question where you can't answer my child sat in pram and it was ok?

Could your eldest go with your friend so that they don’t miss out? Perhaps that’s what your friend was getting at?