To be a bit annoyed to be told to ‘be the parent’?

[givemeaminuteplease]

I know that people will read the title and jump to an immediate YABU but hear me out.

18 month old DD is at that stage where she’s not happy about the pushchair. Obviously she sometimes has to go in it and she will tolerate it for short periods then starts wanting to get out.

Discussing a local event with a friend we went to last year and I said quite light heartedly I would give it as miss this year as it was so busy and DD would not be happy about the pushchair. She got quite arsey and said I needed to ‘be the parent’ and DD would have to go in it.

But the whole point of the event is that it’s for children / a family day and if we don’t enjoy it because we’ve got a whining toddler arching her back and trying to escape then what’s the point? Surely that isn’t ’not being a parent’ it’s just common sense? Or AIBU?

Whether she’s right or wrong I wouldn’t appreciate a friend speaking to me like that.

Sigh.

No, I’m not ‘rounding on someone who manages multiples.’ I’m pointing out that two three year olds and a four year old is not even remotely comparable to a toddler of around 18 months. Not even slightly.

I don’t have a tiny age gap or twins (my age gap is two and a half years almost to the day) but I do know that Ds, aged almost four, is not a toddler!

Mine both hated pushchairs, car seats, cots etc. so I adapted accordingly by not putting us all through the stress of certain days out unless I knew we'd enjoy them. They're both very well-behaved primary aged children now who are most definitely not the bosses in our house 😂

I agree with choosing your battles. Too many parents force young children to attend (often "Instagram-worthy") overblown and expensive events at this time of year when everyone's just having a crap time.

Not unreasonsble

although your friend is right, you just have to be the parent a lot of the time because you have no choice, if it’s supposed to be a nice day out and you know your toddler is going to miserable for two hours straight then why bother. I think some people don’t believe a kid can keep up a tantrum for that long. My first really, really hated the car seat and she used to scream her head off. She could keep it up for a really long time. I didn’t rush to travel anywhere I didn’t need to, for months until she grew out of that.

My son is 21 months, he hates his pram but he doesn’t get a choice about whether he wants to go in it. He has an older brother and I’m not having him miss out on doing things because of his younger brother not liking the pram. I get him out of the pram at intervals for a break but he goes back in when I need him to. Maybe if he was an only child I’d just not bother going to stuff (although I doubt it).

My friend also have a 18 month old who hates the pram, they use a backpack carrier for her as she tolerates that better but again they don’t miss out on stuff just because she won’t go in the pram (but also have a older child so again they don’t want the eldest to miss out).

I had one of each OP! My eldest loved sitting looking out of the car windows on long drives, loved going in a backpack carrier on walks, and would happily sit in a high chair whilst we had leisurely lunches. My second spoke early and I think their spoken first phrase was 'want to get out'!😁

You realise those two three year olds and a four year old were also once 18 months and some people still managed to go out then.

You have options which accomodate you and the child

Let them walk
Get a side carrying sling
Pick them up
Dont go

And learn that just because some people have different experiences to you doesn’t mean they are boasting or trying to out do you.

Your tone is shitty anyway, I’m with your mate 🤣

“I don’t like your tone”

Where do you think we are? School?? 🤣

Is she being arsey about it because she wants you there and doesn't see your reason as ok. Would she still have a problem if you said you don't fancy it yourself this year?

Of course I realise that. But the poster was replying present tense. And I suspect being economical with the truth!

We get out and about absolutely loads, I just don’t tend to do activities that involve my children sitting in pushchairs for long periods. It’s not brilliant for their development anyway, although obviously sometimes you have to.

Hahah school… if she can’t get them in a pushchair she won’t be certainly won’t be getting them in to school 🤣

Her friend is a teacher, she probably sees parents like this shooing a child along at 9.25 every morning and then complaining they “just can’t get in on time”

Any transition period with a toddler is challenging. When they hate the pushchair, when they go into a bed and find what fun it is to get in and out and in and out and when they give up the afternoon nap ( which is the worst imo)

The person who suggested the pull along cart - brilliant idea. I see lots of kids in these at car boots and there’s never one whining. Perhaps you could borrow one to try out?

@HMW1906 i think there’s a compromise to be had.

I don’t stop DS doing things if DD might not enjoy it but equally - his life doesn’t revolve around her and hers doesn’t revolve around his.

As with most things there is a happy medium I suppose.

Ask me what I do

That's just stupid. She won't always be 18 months old. It's a pragmatic and entirely reasonable decision to take!

Just avoid situations that you know will be challenging but be resolute when she acts up in ones you can't!

It is a bit strange though, how we have gone from ‘well, this event will be jam packed, DD will be crying and straining to get out of her pram, won’t be any fun for anyone, let’s give it a miss this year’ to ‘your child will never be on time for school.’

I mean, I work three days a week and we’ve yet to be late for work, nursery or preschool. Some stuff just has to be done, but stressing and losing our minds at a Christmas even isn’t one of them!

What ridiculous hyperbole 😂 I was one of those parents who adapted our activities where possible to suit our kids. We are front of the queue at school for DS1 everyday and the teachers and his childminder have nothing but brilliant things to say about him. My cousin on the other hand wouldn’t give her kids an inch through fear of losing control, and now they are so sneaky behind her back despite being ‘good kids’ on the surface!

Yes but your youngest's needs should also be considered and spoken about with your eldest, it shouldn't just be one way, like the baby is an irritation, the eldest needs to emphasise with them and understand that it isn't all about them as otherwise they will acquire a Little Lord complex!

I’m fairly in a ‘be the parent’ camp generally, but I remember DS being an absolute nightmare for a short period. Many a stressful experience forcing him into a pushchair when he needed to be in one. I don’t think you are letting DD dictate, you just know it’ll be a nightmare and no fun. YABU.

This

Dear god, how is an 18 month old going to "benefit" from some community event.

@givemeaminuteplease I thought this was an 'only child' situation. Would your older child not like to go?

Does the friend have children? 🤔

Excuse me, but can you actually point out where the OP stated she was incapable of getting her child into a pushchair, because I haven't seen that??

Haha brings it all back. I remember my 18 month old arching his back and flopping about shrieking as I was in a hurry to go to the childminders before work 40 years ago.
Bloody devils trying to contain them at that age.
They soon grow out of it. Just do your own thing and ignore what anyone else says.

@Lookingatthesunset possibly but honestly, neither of them miss out. We’ve actually decided to take them to a party run by a primary school where they’ll go when the time comes so they’ll have a nice time anyway. (And the packed event costs a fortune!)

@Plantymcplantface her child is the same age as my oldest. And she is lovely normally - I think her work persona just took over for a moment !