To be a bit annoyed to be told to ‘be the parent’?

[givemeaminuteplease]

I know that people will read the title and jump to an immediate YABU but hear me out.

18 month old DD is at that stage where she’s not happy about the pushchair. Obviously she sometimes has to go in it and she will tolerate it for short periods then starts wanting to get out.

Discussing a local event with a friend we went to last year and I said quite light heartedly I would give it as miss this year as it was so busy and DD would not be happy about the pushchair. She got quite arsey and said I needed to ‘be the parent’ and DD would have to go in it.

But the whole point of the event is that it’s for children / a family day and if we don’t enjoy it because we’ve got a whining toddler arching her back and trying to escape then what’s the point? Surely that isn’t ’not being a parent’ it’s just common sense? Or AIBU?

I think the comment is both rude and stupid. Surely forcing a child to do something is the last resort? I think by deciding that its a situation where there is no need for confrontation IS being the parent? Anything else where its not essential to insist is surely being a bully?

It’s nowhere near my friend; she isn’t going, we’re not going. I’m not even sure how it came up actually.

I am 😂 at those saying ‘toddler dictates the family activities’ though - that’s what they do! I sure as hell wouldn’t be spending this weekend with swimming lessons, a birthday party and soft play if I didn’t have two small children, would I?

Honestly, below the age of about 3 you're basically managing a fairly clever baby monkey. Monkey babies don't get jammed into pushchairs to go to events. They generally raise hell in their home group and cling onto their mums.

Yes, they can generally and gradually learn to accept different modes of behaviour, it really shouldn't be treated as a surprise that a baby monkey wants to monkey around.

I'm with you. My son is a little bit older and just coming into the stage where's he's happy to walk a bit more, but we've had months of him screaming to get out of the pushchair and equally having no desire to walk - just to be carried which is simply not a choice for a long period of time.
So we've made the same decision as you on a couple of occasions to just write stuff off this year and go next year, when we'll all actually be able to focus on the event a bit more, rather than trying to appease a child who will happily scream at you. There's times to have these battles, and fun family events are not those times.

I also can't stand that some people assume all children can just be controlled the same way as their own, or that their parenting was somehow more superior.
Just because she could get her child to wind down in the pushchair, I promise my very spirited son will argue his case for as long as he needs to.

Not all activities and outings are suitable or enjoyable for children at all different developmental stages. That doesn't mean that the child is 'in charge', just that the parent makes the decision about which way the balance tips for them.

I didn't take my fussy-eating DC to fine-dining restaurants when they were younger as I knew they would not eat anything on the menu, as it would not have been fun for any of us; they are now adults and one of them works in a very fancy restaurant where ten years ago she would have been in tears at being forced to eat anything on the menu. I avoided very loud events aimed at children when my neurodiverse DS could not cope with noisy environments, but years later, as a teenager, he became an avid gig-goer. Children grow up.

The OP has made a reasonable decision that, for this year, going to the Christmas market or whatever it is, will not be enjoyable for her or her DD, so she is choosing not to go. The toddler has no idea what is going on. Next year, when the child is a year older, the OP will no doubt assess the whole issue again. And in the meantime, she has not said that she allows her DD to rule the roost in other ways or that she does not insist on her going in the pushchair when it is necessary.

Well said!!

And it's not like the kid is even going to be aware they're 'being the boss'. If little ones consistently get their way after/during throwing a tantrum then that may be a slippery slope, but opting ahead of time to avoid a situation noone is likely to enjoy feels like pretty decisive parenting tbh. Like we're not going to see Santa as my pre schooler finds people in costume terrifying. But am not advertising that we're not going, we're just not talking about it and not going. Best for everyone. All good. Be future opportunities to go to this event or ones similar OP when the buggy isn't a battleground.

I am 😂 at those saying ‘toddler dictates the family activities’ though - that’s what they do!

It used to be my IL most intolerant on few things we'd insist on concession for our young kid - now on family days out it's IL needs that need to be considered and adapted to. There are days out we skip entirely with them and do something else because the physical demands are likely too much for IL.

Considering the event for all going and their needs is fairly basic planning - no idea why your friend made the comment perhaps she was in work mode and was thinking more generally than your parenting.

😂😂😂😂😂

Yeah sheds a different light if you were accommodating an adult doesn't it. Like we're not going to an incredibly popular Christmas market this year as my 84 year old grandmother isn't so steady on her feet anymore and doesn't want to be in her chair in a very crowded situation as she finds it overwhelming. So we're accommodating her limitations and giving it a miss. But can't imagine posters saying that would be a slippery slope and she should suck it up for the good of the family.

Whilst I agree that the parents should be the ones making the decisions, in this instance I think both of you are wrong.
At 18 months, your DD would fit really nicely into a toddler carrier and would therefore be able to see above any crowds, therefore be much more likely to enjoy the event.
Having children in buggies at busy events where all they get to see is other people’s legs isn't great for them. Carriers are far better.

I'm with you OP.

No capacity for doing something optional while your child writhes and screams.

Both my children hated the rain cover, so we never went anywhere outdoors in the rain. Cannot be arsed with that battle.

I see toddlers in pushchairs staring into space and looking around them and I think 'what's that like?' Imagine!

I've got a photo of DC1 aged about 18mo in a carrier on my back when we were on holiday. She was screaming and crying, red in the face, scratching and hitting me, pulling clumps of my hair out. IIRC shortly after the photo was taken she vomited into my hair as she'd made herself sick with screaming.

Stupidly it was the only method of child transportation we had taken with us as it was unsuitable for a buggy and she was an escape artist/bolter. We thought she'd be fine, she'd been in a sling since she was tiny but at 18mo it was like a switch was flicked in her brain and she turned into the devil's spawn whenever we tried to put her in it.

Not saying it's not a good suggestion, it is, but OP knows her own child and it sounds like a carrier wouldn't work for them.

or perhaps she's an idiot?

Yes. Be the parent. 🤷‍♀️

Tell her to be the person who has a reasonable grasp on social norms and politeness.

I am with you, OP, on this one.

You have assessed the situation, highlighted the risk factors and taken appropriate action to avoid them.

Enjoy your day doing something else instead. If it's a regular event, there will be plenty of opportunities to go in the future.

I was thinking similar this morning!

I don't see what's so outrageous about accommodating the needs of the smallest member of the party who's least likely to understand why they're being limited/wait for food etc. Older people, for the most part, should be able to manage their wants for a little while.

YANBU. I agree with the poster that said you have to pick your battles and there will be times where you have to use the pushchair and deal with the meltdown.

I think what some people don't realise is that events are not fun for parents if the children are miserable.

Your friend sounds irritating. Reminds me of when I was still adjusting to being a single parent and an ex friend told me that "it's not rocket science, you're their mother, they are your responsibility!" 🙄

Baby carrier/ wrap is your friend here.

This suddenly brought back memories of multiple days out (we were a big family, the toddler years were many) with adults yelling "WE'RE HERE TO ENJOY OURSELVES! SHUT UP AND ENJOY IT!" 😳🙄😭🤣

Yes, pick your battles.

You are ‘being the parent’. You are respecting your child and not forcing her into a pushchair and ignoring her. Aside from rare brief periods where safety or logistics mean there is no alternative, leaving your child to scream in a pushchair for adult convenience is bad parenting. Just walking past those parents it is hard not to tell them off. I don’t because that isn’t how the world works, but I always want to.

I'm with you. So you should all be miserable just to prove a point that you're the boss. No thanks.

It sounds like your friend was trying to bully you into doing what they wanted. Of course you can force your DD into the pram, unless she can get out the straps, but she is just going to scream. Its ok to say no this won’t work for me.

This. 100%! It’s same when people said “oh we don’t mind if she cries through dinner…” so we’d go out to a big meal. Good for you… no fun for me dealing with a screaming child!