To be a bit annoyed to be told to ‘be the parent’?

[givemeaminuteplease]

I know that people will read the title and jump to an immediate YABU but hear me out.

18 month old DD is at that stage where she’s not happy about the pushchair. Obviously she sometimes has to go in it and she will tolerate it for short periods then starts wanting to get out.

Discussing a local event with a friend we went to last year and I said quite light heartedly I would give it as miss this year as it was so busy and DD would not be happy about the pushchair. She got quite arsey and said I needed to ‘be the parent’ and DD would have to go in it.

But the whole point of the event is that it’s for children / a family day and if we don’t enjoy it because we’ve got a whining toddler arching her back and trying to escape then what’s the point? Surely that isn’t ’not being a parent’ it’s just common sense? Or AIBU?

This. Not every event is suitable/enjoyable for every age of DC.

Going in the pushchair isn't some holy grail of parenting. Give it a year or so and everyone will be emphasising how important it is for DC to be walking and NOT using the pushchair.

I had one who refused the pushchair from when he could walk and one who would still go in it (age nearly 4) if she could!

@TheHeadOfTheHouse I simply don't agree. It's so dependent on a child's personality.

I have one who was/ is very easy going and accepts no is no without a fuss and another who would just doesn't without pushing every barrier to find the weak link in the no!

I actually think it's a good personality trait to a certain extent, not to just accept something without thinking it through, although massively annoying as a parent.

Id consider - is the gain worth the loss?

so will you get more out of being at the event than you will lose by spending time getting her in to the pushchair? Does the outcome outweigh the inconvenience.

If it does, YABU because sometimes you have to do hard things for long term gain. If not then YANBU because what’s the point. And be honest with yourself here, think of the gain to your child, not just the gain to you. You’d be doing her a disservice to not take her if she would actually benefit from it, just because it’s effort to you. You don’t have to go to everything but sometimes it’s worth it.

But the 18month old won't know that going out was an option, therefore no decision making by them!

This is just a feature of having a baby or toddler though.

Mine went through a stage of refusing to sit in a high chair and wanting to run away all the time - so it was high chair and screaming and crying, or you’d let them out and they’d just want to run off. Probably about 18 months old too.

For a couple of months, it meant we avoided restaurants and so on, as it was just too difficult and not enjoyable for anyone. They were too small to reason with, discipline etc.

Now, they have moved past that stage and are fine.

Yours aren’t 18 months. Yours are what, 4 and 3 or something?

Unless this is triplets, it is not the same situation at all. And I think I would sit you in the Smug Corner with the OP’s friend who made the patronising comment. You’d be well suited.

Yes, 😆; I don't understand all this 'Boss' talk about your children, your sweet little toddlers aren't your adversaries. Besides, if you go with her, your friend will be judging you the whole time- how fun!

I have teens, one late teen and he was like that with the buggy, he was a gorgeous, funny, little toddler boy and he's a calm, respectful young man so in my mind listen to your own instincts on this.

I'd be irritated too OP. Best to smile politely and let it wash over you.
We all have to parent the children we have. Some toddlers love being in push chairs, most don't mind, some HATE it. If she wants her relationship with her with her own kids to be a power battle for dominance, that's her lookout.

I still remember the feeling of horror on a French motorway looking in the rear view mirror and seeing 17month old ds climbing out of his rear facing car seat as he’d worked out how to undo it. (Ds is now 14.)

Some kids hate pushchairs and car seats. And while you have to make them stay in the pushchair for a lot of situations, (which means they then have a shit time,) if the whole point of this event is your dd has fun not you, they why waste your money?

“being the parent” includes thinking about the child you have, not the one your friends think you should have, and planning which family/child focussed things you do based on what they will actually enjoy, not what other people’s kids will enjoy. If your child won’t enjoy the event because they will have to stay in the pushchair, (and its not the sort of thing you’d book a babysitter and go without dc) then why bother?

I think you made a good decision, OP.

I was very much a parent who never gave in when they were toddlers. My kids did learn that whinging got them nowhere, but I regret it. In hindsight, I think giving in some of the time helps teach persistence and makes childhood more enjoyable and more productive for kids and parents. Wise decision making is rarely formulaic, though it can be comforting to have something very straightforward to cling to in those sleep deprived years!

She’s normally pretty calm and chilled (applicable to both DD and friend to be fair!) but DD is my second and neither of my children have liked pushchairs or high chairs; high chairs have been a nightmare for them both, they just keep trying to escape.

It is fine, but i do inwardly marvel at people who sit in cafes and restaurants for long periods with a toddler in a high chair quite happy!

I used to take my two around central london in a double buggy and with a couple of slings. I had a 14 month gap and it was through all ages and stages. We had reins for the older one and a bigger sling so I could side carry without complaint, and a carry cot attachment for when the baby needed to sleep (kangasling if she needed to be held)

I have to admit I found it easy but I am a “just get the shit done” person. I would let them walk or carry them if that helped to get the shit done. The pushchair isn’t the only way. I remember my middle one was so strong he stood up to walk with the umbrella buggy on his back like a rucksack!!!

But if it’s something entirely pointless that no one will enjoy then I am with you, it’s a waste. Do something else you will enjoy!

100% agree with this.
You ARE “being the parent” by not going to something which would cause a situation that you’d just find stressful and not remotely enjoyable.
Your lovely “friend” (and I use quotation marks because she’s being a holier than thou arse) needs to keep her neb out and just accept you said no.

My DS was THE most chilled kid ever when he was young (nothing to do with me or my parenting, that’s just who he is a person) he was an absolute dream in pretty much any scenario. But there was a brief period in time when he became satans spawn if I tried to put him in the buggy. Yet if I let him walk with reins, he’d throw himself on the floor and do that wriggly, limp thing they do when they don’t want you to pick them up 🤣

Your DC is going through a phase, ride it out in the most stress free way you can and tell your friend to mind her flipping business!

"Be the parent" is for enforcing essential but disliked activities. I clean my 2yo DDs teeth even when she cries and protests because it needs to be done. If I needed to be somewhere with her on time, she goes in the pushchair even if she's kicking off. It's not for dragging a child to an event none of you will enjoy.

I’m not sure why you’re answering the post I made to @Ladyj84 unless you’ve had a name change fail which I don’t think you have. So that post was basically … ‘I did this; I’m amazing and found it fun but you’re just not as good as me so yeah stay home’ 🤣

Exactly. I’m all in favour of insisting that toddlers go in pushchairs - but when necessary. Why on earth would you battle over it when it’s not essential and no one is enjoying it?

Your friend needs to learn some manners, in my opinion. I would only ever have criticised someone else’s parenting if I thought the child was at risk.

Completely depends on the child and at 18 months most people have no idea if their child is neurotypical or not. You do what suits you and your child and ignore the snide comments.

I posted in answer to you saying age changes things.

I don’t like your tone if I’m honest so - no worries, stay home and cry in to your cornflakes because you can’t work a pushchair then, no need to be rude.

It’s not my fault I lived in central London and still went out. I’m saying don’t go if you don’t want to. And FYI you can’t name change once you’ve posted once already.

She's trying to be a motivational poster or something!
Honestly it's up to you so as the parent you decide what's best for your family as a whole. No two families are the same so as long as you're being the best version of yourself then that's job done.
However if it's stressing you out that you're missing out on all the things you want to do because of this, maybe it's time to get more forceful, but the misapprehension I had was that weekends were for going out and doing proper things with the kids, but actually they are for doing whatever suits us even if it's sitting at home recovering!
Take care and trust yourself.

Best answer

I didn’t explicitly say age changes things. I pointed out the poster answering me as if she has a comparable situation hasn’t - her three children are more than double the age of my youngest. I also have a three, very nearly four year old and it wouldn’t even occur to me to put him in a pushchair because he isn’t a toddler.

I still don't have that type a decade later. They like going out to eat... they don't see the point in pfolonged lingering especially after finishing eating. As a result we are selective about where we go to places with a faster turn around.
We stopped eating out with DS1 between 18m to about 3. Well to anywhere more ambitious than a cafe.

There are ND/ sensory issues in our equation but the point remains at why do something non-essential if it won't be pleasurable.

If it's something like an extended family catch-up, they cope better because of the cousin entertainment factor, so they meet what is required of them, and we're not suffering because we keep in a comfort zone of the likes of Nandos or carveries that is their comfort zone when it's just immediate family.

I wrote this first, then commented again because you seemed to round on like @Ladyj84 who can manage multiples.

i was showing you options like slings and letting the kid walk once in a while.

You ignore whinging etc and just get on with the day there, children learn very quickly if they have a parent that never gives in to them for an easy life

Or, you teach them that mummy and daddy don’t care about their feelings and preferences. You must know some super smart 18 month olds that can cry to manipulate a situation and stop when they realise their plans aren’t working. 18 month old DS2 must be stupid. If he’s crying he doesn’t stop until he’s comforted.