To be a bit annoyed to be told to ‘be the parent’?

[givemeaminuteplease]

I know that people will read the title and jump to an immediate YABU but hear me out.

18 month old DD is at that stage where she’s not happy about the pushchair. Obviously she sometimes has to go in it and she will tolerate it for short periods then starts wanting to get out.

Discussing a local event with a friend we went to last year and I said quite light heartedly I would give it as miss this year as it was so busy and DD would not be happy about the pushchair. She got quite arsey and said I needed to ‘be the parent’ and DD would have to go in it.

But the whole point of the event is that it’s for children / a family day and if we don’t enjoy it because we’ve got a whining toddler arching her back and trying to escape then what’s the point? Surely that isn’t ’not being a parent’ it’s just common sense? Or AIBU?

She obviously wants you to go and was pissed off that you're not going because your dd doesn't like the pram - that's why she was snarky.
It makes sense to not go if your dd isn't going to enjoy it IMO - unless there's a huge back story where you just let dd rule the roost!

She’s a primary school HT and I think she finds it hard to step out of that role sometimes … she’s lovely really but she did annoy me with that statement 🤣

Yanbu, I’m very against letting kids be the boss but in this case you are making a sensible decision. As a previous poster said we weren’t letting our kids be the boss when we didn’t eat out between the ages of them being 2-5 we were avoiding battles we didn’t want to get involved in.

😂😂

The DD behaviour is dictating which family activities are suitable. That's a terrible state of affairs. She's the boss.......she just doesn't know it yet. Gonna be a nightmare when she realises.

No it’s not that Jane, it’s nowhere near her. I think she just thought I should be firm about the pushchair but as the first reply said I see it more as a pick your battles thing.

Generally she doesn’t want to walk, she wants to be carried (not in a backpack style carrier either, in my arms) which is obviously impractical.

That does get old fast.

Our youngest toddler manage a day out without needing pushchair - we dumped coats and bags in it - so IL insisted it wouldn't be needed on holiday - MIL going on how she carried DH at older age for miles so we'd all be fine. Took a day on holiday with her wanting to be carried - and there were four of us all healthy adults -before DH and I hired a pushchair and IL gushed about what a great idea the hired pushchair was.

She'll get more stamina as she ages so this will soon pass - so rather than get stressed missing is perfectly sensible way forward.

I had a similar 18 month old and it was a nightmare when he didn't want to be in the buggy, which sometimes he had to be. I'm
with you, an 18 month old is not developed enough to manipulate such a situation!

Not practical for such an event but he had a scooter with a seat and whizzed along on that instead of the buggy - it did mean me running behind him sometimes but it tired him out and he was moving faster than his toddler legs let him.

All children are different; my eldest was absolutely fine with the buggy at that age.

I think this is a good application of "pick your battles"
It's non-essential, going or not makes no difference to a toddler and there's no negative impact to anyone else.

"Be the parent" would apply to something like letting a toddler charge and shriek their way around a restaurant ruining everyone elses' evening, or letting a young child have un-restricted and un-filtered use of screens where there are negative impacts caused by a lack of parental boundaries.

I'm wondering if there are other issues she perceives in your parenting and this situation is the one where she's expressing it?

YANBU at all. People can be really hard of thinking about this stuff.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with avoiding a non-essential activity or outing which you know your child will struggle with. The child has absolutely no idea that the activity is even happening, so there is no risk of reinforcing negative behaviour. You're just making a pragmatic decision to spend you time in a way that is more enjoyable for everyone as a whole.

What IS a big problem is when parents give in to a child's demands because the can't cope with the whinging/crying etc. THAT is what sets up a pattern of bad behaviour.

It is far, far better to make as few demands as possible (e.g. by avoiding things you know will be difficult) but the have absolutely IRON CLAD boundaries for the non-negotiables.

This! Completely different if it was a doctors appointment for example, but if it’s an event for her that she won’t enjoy, what’s the point

Yeah that’s annoying.

I think people forget (or don’t know?) how there are some battle it’s just not worth having at some points.

At 18 months old it can be very difficult because they don’t understand anything very well, so it’s just a battle of wills.

I wouldn’t fancy an event with a hysterical toddler either, no fun for anyway. ‘Be the parent’ and have a miserable few hours together. Lovely.

If you’re at the point were you’re avoiding going places because of your child behaviour, then you’ve got a problem.

You would’ve gone if your child wasn’t a pain in the pushchair, so it’s their behaviour making you miss out on stuff.

You ignore whinging etc and just get on with the day there, children learn very quickly if they have a parent that never gives in to them for an easy life.

I'm with DD on this one. I still remember the discomfort of sitting in that flipping pushchair half a century ago.
Sometimes you have to insist on DC doing something for their safety or wellbeing, but having a 'fun' day out is not one of them if the child will be upset by it. But does she have to be in the pushchair? Could you manage with her roaming free and take breaks or go home once she's tired? Personally I think those strips which attach toddler to parent are in some cases kinder than pushchairs.

My 19 month old is exactly the same. I often find that this sort of thing is said by people without children or older people who have forgotten what it's like! You definitely need to pick your battles and I would do the same as you.

I would slightly disagree on parenting. 3 toddlers take them out myself no pushchair they love walking and always been encouraged to. They already know when it's ok to run riot like parks etc or when it's time to stay close to mummy and hold hands. I couldn't imagine them wanting to be tied down in a pushchair they love walking and when required to sit down will happily sit down. It's all about making it fun but also being firm about what's expected at certain places. Tantrums are a young ones way of saying I'm not happy so let's figure another way. The same way worked for my teens aswell

Why on earth is it in anyone's interests to force an unhappy small child to an event? It would be miserable for everyone around you to have to put up with the noise and you can hardly have a nice time there. Is she also the type that regrets not being allowed to beat them into submission any more too?

This.

Your 18 month old isn't deciding you aren't going after you've booked it.

You've decided as the adult it's not worth your stress because she won't enjoy it and you don't want to spend half of it fighting her into the chair or ignoring her screams to get out!

She knows nothing about it!

She sounds like Miss Trunchball .

Is it an event you'd only go to because you have a child or would you go anyway? If the latter I'd be strapping her in and getting on with it with a bit of time carrying but not all of it. Sometimes children have to go to places they might not want to.

If it's something entirely aimed at children that you wouldn't otherwise go to then skip it.

Part of being a parent is that you are gonna miss out on things, and the ealier you make peace with it the better.

Just curious as to what sort of kids/family day requires a toddler to be stuck in a pushchair for so long?

YANBU, sounds like it would be an awful experience all round.

Different if you had older children who'd been every other year - in that case I'd be saying woman up (or even better get a babysitter ) as the toddler's of choice this week shouldn't affect them.

It's not like anyone needs to go to a Christmas market (or whatever).