Inheritance dispute with husband

[icantwaitforsummer]

Both me and my husband work full time, he earns more than me and has more free cash at the end of every month. We have a mortgage and DC.

I had 2 family members die suddenly this year. Shit year, still processing it all.

One left me a small flat, just got a tenant in there and rental income will be about £300 a month after taxes fees etc. Hoping to keep it for 15 years and then give it to DC.

My mum died and left me a share of her house, (shared with siblings) so will be about 80k

I was hoping to put the £300 a month in a stocks and shares ISA and then in 10 years go part time/partially retired.

The other 80k share with my husband, he wants to buy an old flat, and we do it up as a 'project'. And use any money we make to overpay mortgage.

But he also thinks the £300 a month should pay off more of our mortgage in overpayments or go into the joint account each month and reduce his contributions.

AIBU in thinking if I keep a little bit for me is ok? And he could save more of his extra income or make mortgage overpayments but he has absolutely no interest in doing that.

This.
he is being cheeky.

My DH and I keep our finances separate, but I know he would give me his last penny (and he has in the past) if I needed it.

The couples that I know who share finances successfully do this: all money goes into a shared account and they each take out an equal amount of spending money for their personal accounts each month. It doesn't matter who earns more. They both get the same.

Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it. Separate when it's in his favour and pooled when it's in his favour. This is not how effective partnerships work.

I'm feelings, he is logistics, and we went round and round and round last night and now I don't know what's right. I seem selfish not sharing it all freely, he seems grabby. Arghhhh

You aren’t any less logistics or more feeling than him. Don’t let yourself fall into the idea that he is somehow more “head” and you are more “heart” because lots of women end up following someone else’s lead on finance because they are lead to believe they are being less logical.

His desire not to be “beholden” to you is at least as much about feeling as your desire to see him making a “sacrifice” like you. Your interest in investing, increasing payments on the mortgage, and increasing your own spending money is at least as much logistics as his interest in getting a fixer-upper and in increasing his own spending money by having you pay more into the family pot.

How does using percentages leave the same amount of money in the bank account each month? For example, if they both pay 90% into joint account and keep 10% of their wages then the higher earner will keep more back?

The money going into the joint doesn't have to be an exact amount to pay the bills either. If they both said they would keep back the same each month and the rest goes in the joint then the joint account is used to pay the bills and any money left goes into savings. Not complicated.

So how much has he managed to save into his personal savings ...
Surely this is relevant ?

Yes I think I’d do that too. Especially if you already rent out one flat. It wouldn’t clear my mortgage but would almost so repayments would be so much smaller.

They both wouldn’t pay 90%
higher earner pays 70% of salary, lower earner pays 30% of their salary (or whatever percentages make it fair) leaving them both similar amounts in personal accounts

Ask him how much he has in savings (if you don't already know) and say you'll match it as a contribution to paying off the mortgage. I think his attitude towards your inheritance is awful.

I'd put the £80K into your pension and the £300pcm rent into an ISA (S&S if you have plenty ready cash, cash if not), it needs to be accessible enough for updates to the property but away from your own day to day expenses. Unless you want to use it to even out the disparity in your income.

But really, with the amounts you pay into your joint account that should be updated every year or whenever one of you gets a salary increase so that you both have the same amount of fun money at all times. And you need to make sure you are both putting sufficient into your pension, that should be higher priority than owning multiple cheap properties.

Totally agree. He's a cheeky fucker imo.

Keep that flat just in your name, OP, and keep the income from it, too.

With the £80k, I'd be tempted to buy a second flat in a cheap area and rent that out, too. You could put the income into a pension for yourself or some other investment>

Sorry I haven’t been able to read through all of the responses but one thought is that the money he says he has earned has been possible through all the child care you have been doing. I’m sure your pay & pension has suffered as a result of that but this doesn’t seem to be taken into account in his thought process.

This!
A £300 profit per month is very small for a rental and you could easily end up paying out more than the annual profit on maintenance and repairs issues- roof repairs, new boiler, decorating, void times etc etc.
There's a lot of responsibilities and legalities involved in being a landlord, and a lot of potential pitfalls - especially for inexperienced landlords. I'd be tempted to sell it, and put the money into a high interest ISA savings account or a drip feed stocks and shares ISA- the latter being the best if you're thinking long term.

You need to protect your inheritance in case you split.

These days not many marriages last forever and if that money is in the family pot he can claim half of it in a divorce. Keep the income from the flat seperate too.

The best thing you can do is to see an IFA to best protect what your family worked for (sorry for your losses) from potentially ending up in someone elses pocket.

Harsh but true.

@icantwaitforsummer how much will your divorce cost?? pretty sure this will be included in all the assets and that is what he is thinking of! incidentally, just what has he done with all his excess money he has had over the years???

See a solicitor for advice.
If you died tomorrow who would guarantee for DC’s future. How many times have I read on MS, that a DH would fall into someone’s arms, die and NW could cut your DD out of her inheritance.
Even more shockingly I did overhear two married men at a party, that one was waiting for his MiL to die before he left his DW.

Your husband putting £400 each month into a pension doesn’t make you equal it just means he is squirrelling a lot of money away for his future.

Your inheritance has become a heated/ difficult topic and I would suggest for now you do the minimum possible - pop the monies in the bank e.g. you could put 50k in premium bonds as that’s the maximum and just let the dust settle.

Take a year or two to decide what you want it doesn’t have to be this week.

When you have said you hope to keep the flat 15 years and then give it to your children do you mean give them the flat? Or sell it and help them out with the proceeds? I think the latter would be much more helpful to young people with driving lessons, cars, huge insurance costs, university accommodation and house deposits. Don’t give them a flat between them that would take away any first time buyer advantages.

I wouldn’t hand over my 80k for my husband to have a project with (a project that makes him busier and less available to the family too) when his attitude over the years is that his money is his money.

You lost me at the part where you both don’t understand I that all of your money is both of your money.

These problems are completely predictable given your marital attitude to money.

If I inherited it would all go straight in the joint pot because DH and I have always shared finances completely. In your situation I wouldn’t. He is very much trying to have what’s his is his and what’s yours is shared. Absolutely no way would I be putting up with that.

The first thing to remember is that there is still a pay gap between the sexes - men earn more for doing the same job. Generally a man will out earn a woman because they are a man. This has suited your DH as he clearly thinks he's more important and worth more but doesn't think he should share that with you/the family.

Now you have money he thinks you should share yours. In his mind it's not fair you have more and remember this puts you in a position of strength - you don't need him from a financial point of view anymore. He has lost some control.

Personally, given his past behaviour and current attitude, I would be deciding what I want to do with the money. Please remember if something were to happen to you then he would get the money, if he remarries then that money could go to new woman/children. Invest some of the money for your children and ensure your Will is written to pass this money to your children. I would agree that paying your mortgage down is good however he needs to match what you put in.

It’s YOUR inheritance. YOU. Get to decide what to do with it. It’s none of his business.

This is absolute nonsense. Joint accounts work completely fine when you both earn.
We warm the same amount and everything goes in one pot. We spend what we want when we want, agreeing larger joint expenses together. Nobody queries or checks up on the other. We both put money on revolut for small spending.
We neither know nor care if one of us spends more than the other, we both have what we need and trust each other completely. We both work hard for what we have, but periods of one or other of us not working were exactly the same...it's all our money.

I would never share a life and children with someone who thought that them having more money than me or vice versa was fair.

Earn not warm

This with bells on. This should be your guiding principle in a nutshell.

Hang on so he is saying “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours in mine”. Cheeky git.

What do you think he would do with a windfall?

I don't think it's at all selfish to keep your inheritance for you (and actually, you are planning to pass the bulk to your joint children). Your relatives left the money to you, and you alone. Not your husband.

Put the £80k into ISAs / savings for a year or two and then see how you feel.

Very sorry for your losses.