Inheritance dispute with husband

[icantwaitforsummer]

Both me and my husband work full time, he earns more than me and has more free cash at the end of every month. We have a mortgage and DC.

I had 2 family members die suddenly this year. Shit year, still processing it all.

One left me a small flat, just got a tenant in there and rental income will be about £300 a month after taxes fees etc. Hoping to keep it for 15 years and then give it to DC.

My mum died and left me a share of her house, (shared with siblings) so will be about 80k

I was hoping to put the £300 a month in a stocks and shares ISA and then in 10 years go part time/partially retired.

The other 80k share with my husband, he wants to buy an old flat, and we do it up as a 'project'. And use any money we make to overpay mortgage.

But he also thinks the £300 a month should pay off more of our mortgage in overpayments or go into the joint account each month and reduce his contributions.

AIBU in thinking if I keep a little bit for me is ok? And he could save more of his extra income or make mortgage overpayments but he has absolutely no interest in doing that.

That is sharing finances equally @CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

That's what people mean. Pay the bills, pay the kids stuff, split the rest 50/50.

That would be the fair way and isn't what the op and her husband have been doing.

They've been doing - pay the bills, then he keeps more.

Same spends for each of you each month after income.

That sounds fair what you said though just using the interest and rental income. The 80k was left to you so it’s not selfish to just sit on it for a while. I’m sure it will be shared eventually on some expenses that benefit you both but there’s no rush to share the money or spend it

Stop worrying about "doing it fairly." Has he been worried about "fairness" all these years?

I know everyone thinks "it won't happen to me" but it does happen to a lot of people - the unexpected end of a marriage. You aren't going to have any further windfalls like this in your lifetime. Preserve it for your own security at all costs. If he tried to fight you for it, well, that's a poor reflection on his character and ought to give you pause for thought. Will he take good care of you in your old age?

You will KICK yourself if you squander it and are left with nothing.

My solution would be to consider all money coming is as joint, both your salaries, the inheritance and the rental income, but also to each have the same monthly amount for personal spends.
He can’t insist he has more for his personal spends as he earns more but at the same time say that your inheritance should be shared equally. At the same time, you can’t argue that the rental income is yours only when he contributes more monthly.

That feels so selfish though, like I've got this big pot of money and I'm not sharing it, just the proceeds/interest. Don't think I could sleep at night!

how much is in his pension pot and how much is in your pension pot - does he sleep at night if he has 5/6/x more than you in his pot?

Why is it selfish to keep the money you have been left, in your mind? Its not selfish to keep your own money, he has done that same things for years and its not selfish is it? He and you have both put in a percentage

Thing is the flat sounds like a non started if he is not there to do it up and the other flat is rented out for £17 more than you'd earn in interest per month without the work

So, for years, he's had more money to himself every month, and you've done more childcare than him?

If he wants to do things fairly, he needs to pay you for half of the extra childcare that you did (market rates obviously) and also give you half of the extra money that he had. What does that come to? Factor that amount in when you're discussing what to do going forward. But remember that he never wanted to do things fairly, and keep all your inheritance.

But this is still pooling finances and not at all like the OP’s situation. Sure, once everything is paid from
the joint pot then spit what is left to spend/save so with what you will.

This ^

Be careful as you could be stung with a tax bill when you give to your daughter. Eg if it goes up £100k in value you could end up paying £23k tax.

I am still shocked you can buy a flat for £80k these days!!!

Anyway, inheritance shouldn’t be treated any differently to earned income in my book.

If he won’t pay ball I would be inclined to pay as much into my pension as possible. That way he can’t bully you into handing it over.

He's making you feel awful though by guilt tripping you.

If it was "fair" you have the same savings, pensions and soending money. If not then he needs to let you build up some of your own money for the future.

But inheritance is different to earnings because it's capital wealth not income. You wouldn't expect him to contribute more because he has a bigger pension pot stashed away for the future.

If you stash it in your pension you can "protect" it from him as you can't draw it till you turn 57. You're limited to putting in what you earn each year though.

All of this ‘mine and yours’ feels really petty when you’re married and everything is joint. My husband earns more, I’ve had inheritance. It all goes into the same pot.

But they don't share finances. She will therefore continue to have less spending money in retirement.

I don't think you are understanding what I am saying.

The alternative to sharing is to agree now that you both protect any inheritances from the other.

Keep them in your own names and have a post-nup drawn up and lodged with a solicitor.

Ok we are going to sit down and talk through finances tonight and I will raise a lot of these points.

When I went through probate stuff with my solicitor this year I asked a bit of advice about all this and he said 'think with your head not your heart'. He was really honest and basically said protect yourself, a lot of marriages end in divorce.

I did say to him it sounds so unloving and unromantic but I get it. It's like prenups they seem unromantic and seem like you aren't 'all in'. But I need to think logically too.

You also need to remember op that your husband is thinking with his head.*Match him. All of his decisions to date he has thought only of himself. Do that.
*a very romantic way of saying selfishly

Your solicitor was right. Because your husband is thinking selfishly (and always has done), so you need to match that behaviour.
Also ask him what would happen in the case that he inherited money.

Money and romance don't mix! Don't conflate the two.

So many women end up skint because they are overly giving and trusting. Sorry to sound cynical but there it is. You are an autonomous person, not an appendage to your husband and HIS agenda. Think about it; he hasn't been handing over his money to you lock, stock and barrel, has he? He's held back what he wants for himself.

Ringfence the money into your pension. If your marriage survives, great, you can share it then, in older age. If you find yourself single in the meantime, you'll have something to fall back on.

You can be a loving partner without handing over every shred of your future security to a man. Laws that preserve inheritances outside of marital assets exist FOR A REASON. Make sure you don't agree to anything without running it by a solicitor.

Trouble with this is that he would immediately say that of COURSE he would put it into the family pot for the good of the whole family, despite all the evidence of his behaviour so far suggesting that this would not be the case.

He was happy when he was better off than her, but now she is better off than him he wants to get his grubby mitts on some. He can fuck off.

The absolute cheek of this guy.

Also ask him what would happen in the case that he inherited money.

There's no point in that to be honest, he will say of course he would share it, so it proves nothing.

OP knows her husband and should know without even asking him what he would actually do if the roles were reversed, and that should have more bearing on her decision than any discussion after the fact.

I also think if this was man contemplating an inheritance he certainly wouldn't be being told on here to not let his wife have any of it.

I disagree. If the situation was exactly the opposite and the wife had always had more money to her name and then expected him to share what he inherited despite not wanting share her own income, then he would be told to keep it.

And the advice not put it into the family pot is sound legal advice, nothing to do with being selfish. If that money put into the house or joints savings then its an asset of the marriage and he can claim half of it in a divorce. would you want half of what you leave your kids to go to their ex spouses in the event of their divorce? I know I wouldnt.