Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

They are adults now so it’s up to them if they want to spend time and money on their appearance.
I personally don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Girls/women who do obsess about their appearance and spend lots on ‘improvements’ generally have lower self-esteem. They put all of their value on the way they look. Girls should be taught their worth and value aren’t tied up with that. It’s very damaging when girls are brought up to be vain.
The only way you could have damaged their self-esteem is if you were constantly criticising their appearance growing up, or if you are vocalising what you perceive as their faults now.

And how important are looks….?

i forgot to add that the reason I have posted this today is that I was out at the weekend with some friends, who have sons the same age as my dd’s.

They were talking about how their sons had girlfriends and were very focussed on how these girls looked. They were showing pictures saying how beautiful/stunning etc these girls were and how their sons had chosen well and that they hoped they were the one because the children would be beautiful.

I came away a bit sad and flat tbh as I thought it all seemed a bit shallow. No focus on the girls’ personalities or accomplishments, but just all about what they looked like.

And they are exactly the sort of boys you wouldn’t want your girls dating!
People are different and value different things. I would rather my children ended up dating someone who valued them as a person, not for the way they look.

Thanks, Yes I agree but I am worried that I have judged it wrong and should have got things sorted like braces and skin when I had more control. Obviously it’s down to them now but neither seems bothered. I worry that is because they are both a bit low re self esteem.

What would you do/say about bad skin and bad makeup? Would you comment or totally ignore it? I don’t know what’s best.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. They are likely just settling in to new lives and of course not confident as they have big changes. This time of their lives is all about growth and I’m sure they will come out the other side an independent able women. I think a lot of the young girls now days all look the same, fine for them but I’m sure they will look back on their younger selves in time to come and laugh as we all do at some fashion we followed.

I would ignore it.
Criticism is what erodes a person self-esteem.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP, it is sad that we live in such an appearance focused society and that a woman’s worth is still often measured by her physical attractiveness. I think you’ve done well to focus on other areas with your girls, and they are still young - it takes time to build confidence! Some people may look more outwardly polished but have all sorts of insecurities beneath the surface. I would continue as you are, the fact you so clearly adore them is such a good foundation for their self esteem as it all starts with parental bonds.

Oh and I wouldn’t mention their make up etc unless directly asked, and even then I would frame it in a positive way so it wasn’t criticism. They are at uni and I’m sure will have friends they can chat to about make up and skincare. And if they have no interest, that is no bad thing.

Completely 100% nailed it

I think in general, confidence comes from the way we feel on the inside, not the way we look on the outside but I appreciate there there might be specific physical issues which can dent our confidence. I would focus on building them up and encouraging them in whatever they are doing. If the makeup thing comes up in conversation you could offer to help with purchasing different products or possibly even a tutorial on how to apply better but I would probably take their lead on it. Mainly, try not worry :-) they are adults now, finding their way in life and they will be fine.

It's very unlikely anything you did has impacted their self confidence.

You say that they seem to lack self esteem but you don't actually know it's related to their appearance. It might be, it might not be.

Many many women that age lack confidence - I did and I didn't have braces or acne. Nearly everyone looks back and thinks how lovely they looked.

I have a DS of a similar age and he is really struggling. It's not his appearance - establishing yourself in adult life is hard!

I’m not sure you have really done anything wrong. Though I think it would have been nice for both to have braces, particularly if they are self conscious about their teeth. I assume they wanted their acne to go away, hence the doctor appointments, but it doesn’t seem like you really followed through with actually getting the issue sorted out. Now they are adults certainly think it’s up to them whether they want nails, lashes, etc. as for makeup application there is a wealth of info online they would dip into if they wanted to achieve a certain look.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Genetics and appearance doesn’t ultimately affect self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a psychological issue. I can see why at a young age why appearance is important and can be linked to feelings of low self-esteem, but ultimately it isn’t up to you as a parent to make your daughters beautiful so they have one less thing to worry about. They have to just find their own way, as I’m sure you did?

That is the definition of shallow. Most (but not all) boys are shallow at that age!

That's because it IS terribly shallow. I'd be disappointed in my friends tbh

Yes I would have paid for braces and followed up on the skin issues. Particularly the skin is not only embarrassed for young girls but can be painful as well. We live under a health system where you have to be your own advocate and you could have helped out more with the skin. Other stuff I wouldn't worry about.

Well it doesn't sound like they were crying out for more support with their appearances at the time and you ignored them or anything.

But you could offer to fund the braces for your non-braces-wearing daughter now because yes, you should have funded it back when the issue came up first and this is something that you know for a fact IS weighing on her.

Braces are a thing best sorted out in the teens tbh, and I would offer to do that now if her teeth are bothering her. I say that as someone with slightly wonky teeth at 50 - if I were 20 I would get them fixed.

Their skin will sort itself out, or if not they can try roaccutane any time (it works).

You friends...I'm sorry, they sound like idiots. Your daughters are at uni, they have nice friends, they don't need to look like something off love island. They will be fine. If they dodge marrying into families like your friends', all the better.

I'll go against the grain and say that yes, I think you should have sorted braces for the other DD and you should have sorted the hormonal acne for both. Things like crooked teeth and bad skin can really affect a persons confidence at a young age, rightly or wrongly. And that can lead to confidence issues in adults.

My DS now needs braces, it'll be about £4k that I don't have but I will find the money to make the payment plan work because I don't want his confidence affected at such a critical age.

However, I'm maybe a different type of mother to you. I wear make up every day, value skin care etc and feel it's important for me to present myself well for me to feel confident. Each to their own in this regard, but the braces and acne should have been addressed I think.

Could you get this sorted for them now?

both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses
What is making you think this? What behaviour are you seeing/what are they saying that makes you think they lack self esteem and confidence? (Apart from one daughter not smiling for photos)?

Lashes/nails/tan then no, I think it’s up to them to work out if they want those things and pay for them if so.

Teeth, I think parents should ensure their kids enter adulthood with nice, straight, white teeth if at all possible and it really is a game changer for self consciousness. Same for acne or any other medical issue, parents should do what’s possible to help fix it.

Makeup/skincare, I don’t think there’s any harm in showing them the basics if they express an interest.

Yes! My main response here is ‘Find less dopy, superficial friends’! And if their sons are 20 and 18, like your daughters, and they’re competitively objectifying their girlfriends and hoping they’re ’the one’ because the children will be good-looking, they should really think about what they’re modelling.

I think you should have stretched for the braces at the time if she asked you. I would tell her that you realise that you made the wrong decision then and offer to support her with them now.
I would suspect they don't make an effort with their appearance because of their low self-esteem, rather than it being the other way around. However, they are adults now and your opportunity to influence this has passed.
If you think they would appreciate skincare, you could give it as a christmas gift.

I'm following with interest. I have a preteen & teen. At the moment all our spare cash goes into their activities, they do a lot. Which means we don't have the cash for the latest Nike runners, north face jacket etc like their friends. I hope we're doing it right 😭

You haven’t done anything wrong. Hormonal acne, any acne is difficult to deal with. Braces can be worn anytime, I got some in my early 20s, I know someone in her 40s who recently started with them. If it’s something your DD wants to do it. Your other DD is nearly finished with her braces.

My kids are 21 and 18. I am so relieved my DD 18 is not covered in makeup and taking selfies. She runs and does Pilates and does take an interest in skincare and looks after her very long hair but other than lipgloss occasionally she is natural. She does have a very close friend who is a very attractive and outgoing girl, a magnet for boys and men. This girl has had so many dodgy experiences, from boys asking for photos, asking for sex, sending photos all the way to a friends Dad propositioning her and the police being involved. My DD tells me just to help her process and support her friend. My point is the braces and hormonal acne have given your girls some time to mature and develop friendships, much more important than boyfriends too early.

Now they are adults they can decide for themselves. I actually think its great you made it such a non-important aspect of their lives.
There is soooo much information out there on tiktok and instagram on skin care and invisalign etc. They will be able to sort it out if they want to. Its not your fault.