Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

I put YABU because you're overthinking it, and you did not do anything wrong. If you had spent loads of money on their appearance and put loads of emphasis on it, then they might have grown up with the impression that their appearance is the most important thing about them and that they constantly need to work on their appearance because their natural appearance isn't good enough, which conversely would have had the reverse effect on their self esteem.

It's quite common for young adults to go through an awkward phase, it's all part of growing up and finding their way in the world. But it sounds like you've given them a good foundation to build on and be confident and happy as they find their footing as young women.

Also do remember that the vast majority of parents simply would not have had the money for the sorts of treatments you are talking about, so your daughters only received the same treatment as most kids in that regard.

You've done nothing wrong and a lot right, by the sounds of it.

FWIW @Watermelon212

https://onlinedoctor.boots.com/acne-treatment

All priced, send them a photo and they will recommend something, and loads of options that aren't Roaccutane or the pill.

I think that you were wrong, yes. You are also wrong by making this about looks. Teeth and acne are primarily health issues. Bad teeth are harder to clean and more likely to result in cavities and gum disease. A bad bite will have more general long term negative effects and can be a cause of headaches and migraines for example.
Acne can be painful. Might seem like a small thing but if you compare 2 teenagers having to sit an exam and one of them has a painful face and some itchy scabs. Who do you think will have better time concentrating?
The acne also is just a symptom of some underlying hormonal problem. Might not be anything serious or the hormonal problem might secretly be creating other issues you’re just not aware of yet.

If your daughters were overweight, would you be concentrating on how it makes them look and their confidence or would you be thinking about their long term health?

Is it appearance or health tho ?

acne would be a health issue that a Doctor can be visited about.

wonky squint teeth would be the Dentist, if the Dentist thought the teeth weren't bad enough for it to be free on the NHS, then do they actually need done ? is her mouth over crowded ? are the teeth growing over each other ?
I do feel that Dentists have cut back greatly on referrals for braces for several years now - due to cost on the NHS.
I had my dd referred at Primary School, told to return in a couple of years and the whole course of braces then retainers was completed well before the age of 16

Do you think dd2 would pay herself for braces when she is in full time employment ? as this would probably help you in your decision to pay for them now...

I think it’s sensible to be concerned about the side effects of Roaccutane.

You’re right - that is shallow. I’d be ashamed of myself as a mother of sons if I focused on their girlfriends’ looks!!

My DS16 has just started with braces - again, covid delays. I don’t know how some of his mates got them earlier on the NHS as it’s been well over three year’s wait for him. He’s not the only one still with them though in year 12 - and he’ll have still them on when he turns 18.

DS2(24) didn’t qualify and although his top ones are fine, his bottom set are crowded and not straight. It doesn’t seem to bother him. It never occurred to us to pursue braces privately for him.

Yours are both adults now - and it will be up to your eldest if she wants to pursue Invisalign etc. I’m paying £3600 for mine now - in my 50s.

The makeup tide mark is something I see a lot on students who are trying to manage skin problems. Again, if they want to see a dermatologist privately they could pursue that. I paid for my own contact lenses as a student when I’d had enough of wearing glasses.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong- if you’d focused on appearance you could have spent a lot of money and had daughters who are still not happy. You might have made things worse if you’d taken that approach.

Her teeth are fine, more than fine, they are very nice teeth. If she wants more perfection than that, it's a decision optionally taken as an adult.

Regarding the friends' sons girlfriends. Yuk, what shallow people they must be.

I winder if you are comparing your dd's to their friends who have not gone to uni and possibly now have narrower horizons? Your dd's may be focusing on bigger better things and hopefully their net is cast wider than shallow local lads.

Vis a vis their skin, ask them how they feel and have them referred to a dermatologist if they would like that.

You could ask if they would like make-up lessons and pay for them. That was valuable to me as a teenager. I got them through an old fashioned naice secretarial college.

You can give them a few boosts from the saved braces money :).

My dd is 26. Had a great time at uni. Has a few highlights, rarely wears make-up, we sorted out her gappy front teeth with crowns years ago. Beauty is far beyond nails, brows and primping. I'd rather a dd of mine channelled Mary Beard than influencer types.

Tell them they are lovely and don't criticise. I can imagine the friends' sons' girlfriends and their vibe. I don't think it's attractive.

I’ve just heard an orthodontist tell my DS16 that his very wonky teeth - including one sitting entirely behind the main set - will not be healthier because of straightening via braces. I was annoyed - because that was the line I’d taken as DS is not motivated by vanity so I’d focused on easier brushing and better dental hygiene and less treatment in the future. The orthodontist then said that was categorically not the case based on the latest research. When I asked our own dentist he didn’t dispute the orthodontist’s view.

I had to sort out my teeth and acne in my 20s too when I could afford it. I did impact my confidence but my parents didn’t have money for it. They focused in education and other things, they couldn’t do everything.

I have paid for my children for orthodontist. The GP treated them with Doxycycline and Epiduo for acne.

Looks won't sustain a relationship through the hard times of life. Strength of character etc will.
Young men who focus on how a woman looks and not how they relate are destined to be the ones who trade their wives in for younger models once kids are on the scene etc.

Having said that, I do wish my mother had taught me a bit more about self care, grooming etc. There is a balance to be had.

Must have been hard for your dds to grow up with bad acne and poor teeth in this day and age, especially as both of those things are treatable. You can't now criticise them for low self esteem. As you had the money to have helped with these things, yes i think you should have.

You can't just throw money at beauty treatments to help someone's low self esteem. That's totally the wrong message. If they want to do things beauty wise then surely they just buy it or save up, or ask for it as a gift at Xmas etc?
It sounds like you're saying they look less 'attractive' than their female peers? You say the one with braces hates them, the one without probably wants them. You can't win at this point.
Just be loving and supportive and help them grow their confidence as individuals. Don't focus on looks. Having clear skin and straight teeth won't make you happy.

Wow . Spiteful comment . Different time different standards.
I'm sure you've always made perfect decisions and oh course look amazing .

@Ladywinesalot

join a gym, skincare, be clean, straighten your hair, wear simple stylish clothes.

Eh? Straighten hair?

Hmm I personally think if there's a way to help them, without them realising it's you helping them, they might thank you later... e.g. what about as for a 'christmas gift' you got them both, and yourself 'Face theory' skincare? (or some other brand - but face theory has worked wonders for a few people I know?).

You could even tell them you got a free gift and do they each want it because it doesn't suit you or something. Just don't 'point out' anything as chances are they are incredibly aware but just don't know how to fix it.

For the posters saying 'they're adults' - I didn't have the first clue about how to do good makeup or good skincare when I was younger, and didn't have the money to spend on nice skincare.

Sounds like you were a great mum. I would have paid for the braces & acne treatment though.
Those are the types of men you don’t want your daughters to end up with!! I would much rather have a DIL who had accomplished something and could teach my grandchildren to be good people than someone who is obsessed with their looks.

I actually see things very differently to most who have posted before.

But, before going any further one has to question what has happened recently to make their confidence regress, or not move forward. This will need to be considered very carefully by you. Is there more to this, their mental health, who they are mixing with. This needs further investigation.

I have found that many uni students talk alot about themselves and their family, and thus suddenly seem a bit critical of their own childhood and your parenting! and ds1 has come home with some comments of what other students upbringing was, and he seemed a bit critical of ours, so I had to put him right firmly on that!! I was a bit narked to be honest.

Saying that I paid for both ds's teeth or be corrected , braces, because they were minor but didn't qualify for nhs.

And I was on it like a rash (joke) with Ds1's skin, (tbf like I am with everything re my ds's, I'm very proactive on everything, chasing gp, the school for info or extra support to push them up a set etc, everything) - gp, consultant, short stint of Roaccutane. Many parents don't want to try it. But, I believe acne can be incredibly damaging for self esteem. So maybe she now feels resentful that you didn't do more? Even I think from your very short posts, that I myself would've done more? Do you agree, with hindsight?

I think cosmetic appearance (as in nails, Botox, tan, eyebrow micro blading) is not the same as medical issues (acne, teeth). Caring about the latter is not the same as buying a new outfit every weekend.

I would argue these days having presentable teeth is helpful if you’re in a professional role.

I would also embrace your daughters for who they are rather than secretly hoping they will blossom (a word that seems to be only applied to women)

I don't know if this was helpful, but I took a multivitamin at university because...well lots of stodge and it cleared up my skin well. I might encourage some acne treatment so they don't scar, but you can only do the best you can do.

I don't think paying for braces and dealing with hormonal conditions is "focusing on appearance" - it's (imo) basic healthcare that you as a parent are responsible for. It would be different if you couldn't afford it, but you do say you had the money but didn't think it was important - lesson learned, I guess.

Grooming and self care is important for both sexes. Rightly or wrongly, it has a significant impact about how we are treated in society. YANBU to think you should’ve paid more attention to this when bringing up daughters.

If others are having botox and fillers, they will look older than your daughters. Sit them down and ask if they'd like help . I don't think it is too shallow to want to keep up with trends. I certainly walk taller when I feel good about what I'm wearing. Looking nice isn't just for your wedding day

https://www.paiskincare.com/ has made a big difference to me as an adult

I don't think you've done anything wrong but I disagree with the idea that looks have no importance. They obviously do - everyone should be encouraged to look as good as they can do so they can feel good about themselves. I was raised in an environment a bit like what you describe and I regret wasting my 20s (and most of my 30s) not feeling great about myself because I had no idea how to dress myself, put make up on properly etc - it was never something I'd been taught. I'm ashamed to say I used to look down on girls who were really in to that type of stuff thinking they must be dumb but now I understand that there's nothing wrong with that at all and everyone should be encouraged to look and feel their best as your appearance does matter to the way you feel about yourself and the way others see you. 18 and 20 are still very young I'm sure they will 'blossom' soon.