Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

Also, those teeth are much straighter than mine and I don't think I've ever even considered braces!

I have sons but followed up on both teeth (braces) and acne because I see them as part of health not simply appearance. I did it at an age when I thought it okay to influence his decisions. He's now at University and I don't interfere. I would wonder if your daughters still have acne in their late teens/early 20s whether it is an indicator of polysistic ovaries- might be worth checking out.

I agree they are adults and can now sort out for themselves how they want to look. I would definitely support your older daughter financially if possible to sort her teeth out. I wish I’d sorted mine out much younger and I’m very conscious of my own children’s teeth and would borrow money if they needed braces. Nice straight teeth are so important.

As kindly as possible, I know it’s so hard to keep things ‘fair’ between siblings BUT: If one child had braces and the other wanted them too - I’d try to find the money for it (unless it was of course impossible). Otherwise, perhaps offer some/all towards Invisalign now?

EDIT: Just seen the photo of her teeth… they’re lovely! I’m American and my teeth are slightly less straight than hers and I got compliments on my smile my whole life. This has now made me a bit insecure!!

they do this, it’s the skin which is tricky I think when you have acne as it’s to do with hormones not skincare

I second this - my DD went on Yasmin and it cleared her skin up almost immediately. She got it from the GP.

Yes, like quite a few others I think you probably should have paid for braces at the time. Unfortunately because of cost-cutting in the NHS most children who would have qualified 10 years earlier (at least 3/4 of my year had braces when I was growing up in the 2000s) weren't eligible by your dd's time, but as you can see from their peers a lot of parents paid anyway. Same with the skin, if the first few things didn't work you should have pushed for a referral to a specialist which would have been free when they were younger.

However the desire has to come from them. You making uninvited comments will probably just upset them. Things like the skin, THEY would have to go to the GP first to get the ball rolling. That doesn't cost a penny, they are grown adults and competent enough to be in university, if they are that unhappy they need to show some initiative. If the eldest brings up her teeth again, maybe say you acknowledge you should have helped when she was younger and offer some money now - bear in mind the cost you would have paid then will only be enough to cover old school train track style (like your younger daughter has) (in fact due to inflation and because she'll need all the x-rays etc again you'll probably need more just for those), so I would probably offer her that much, but if she wants to pay for invisalign or whatever (as she probably won't want the obvious braces at her age), it's up to her to cover the rest.

Overall I don't think the lack of minor cosmetic treatments is relevant - my mother never paid for anything other than hair appointments when me and my sisters were growing up, we would never have dreamed of her paying for eyebrows/nails etc. Of the three of us, I'm very low maintenance and still don't get anything done other than a haircut, another sister (who was the biggest tomboy as a teen) is very high maintenance and gets nails, eyebrows, extensions, teeth whitening, etc, and the third is in the middle, so there's no automatic correlation between beauty treatments as a teen and how you develop as an adult.

However I do think 'big' things like bad skin and teeth can make a huge difference to a person's self esteem and it would probably have helped them if they could get those fixed when they were younger.

I agree with others that acne is a medical issue, not just about looks, but clearly some hormonal imbalance/infection in the skin. Sometimes you need hormones looked at and also anti-biotics, but again this is a medical issue and not an aesthetics issue

a bit like thinking hayfever is an aesthetic issue as it looks bad to walk around with swollen eye lids and a runny nose, but really it is medical first, and the looks part is only by the by

if i could afford it I would offer my daughters to go private to a dermatologist to get to the bottom of the acne cause

Thanks, yes I worry I have missed that opportunity, my dd was very sporty and not that interested in skin when she was at an age I could help. The creams helped to a certain extent.

she has been diagnosed with PCos. We paid for her to have a private gynae appt which cost ££ but she was worried about period issues and recurrent sport injuries.

we also paid for private sports injury experts and mri scans, so obviously don’t have an endless pot.

she has tried 2 x contraceptive pill for skin but they didn’t agree with her apparently.

she was referred to nhs dermatologist but they said it wasn’t bad enough for roaccutaine (it is pretty bad) so she didn’t get it. I think she was fobbed off as a young girl on her own as I couldn’t go with her.

The only thing I would say you’ve done ‘wrong’ is not make teeth a higher priority if you could stretch to afford it. I would offer to pay for the teeth now - apart from that I don’t think you’ve done anything else wrong. They are adults so can go to the Gp themselves if they want to sort skin issues.

They are fine.

Her top teeth are fine, I would get the bottom teeth sorted with Invisalign - but that’s not hugely expensive.

Can you see a private dermatologist for their acne?

I would perhaps try Invisalign for the teeth . They are really not bad at all . I would also look at hormonal issues , go back to the GP or try an online doctor .

I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all OP.

My mum was very much like you - my youngest sister and I have, since we left home, become much more ‘polished’ of our own volition (we funded our own Invisalign, investigated skin care that worked for us (retinol was magic for my acne) and generally care much more than our mum ever did about our outward appearance. I love that we were wholly loved by her for who we were and made our own decisions later on rather than feeling like we had to live up to my mother’s beauty standards.

I have another sibling who is much much less confident and seems to actively reject anything she perceives as vain - i’m very sure she wouldn’t have been served by a parent who demanded more grooming from her!

your daughters have been fully loved - part of which is support with good grooming habits - the aesthetic preferences beyond that are for them!

Thanks, I thought her teeth were fine aswell. Maybe slightly gappy at the bottom if being very critical.

if they were terrible I would have paid , but in her eyes they are bad!

The only aspect I’d think is any way relevant is the braces- I do what your daughter does when people come near and I smile with a closed mouth etc. I’d say if you can talk to her about getting braces or help in the future definitely do because when you get much older cost wise dentistry becomes so unaffordable. Other than that you sound like you’ve done great. To each their own and if other teens are into make up etc then that’s fine for them as long as deep down they’re happy with themselves as a person too x

Yes I agree

i I have offered but she is reticent about roaccutaine because of side effects and scared to try another pill because it made her low in mood.

i have said there may be other options but don’t know a lot about it as my skin was helped with dianette

If you want a perfect example of low self esteem just look at the celebs who overdo it. White teeth, stretched faces and puffy lips. None of it looks attractive. Katy Price is a prime example. She has had multiple surgeries and multiple men, she's never happy and always attention seeking. Much better examples of women are the comedians and actresses that embrace their natural selves, Sarah Millican, Jo Brand, Dawn French, Helen Mirren, Judith Dench. I could go on but ultimately it's about valuing yourself.

If their skin is that bad they need to go back to the GP and ask for a referral to dermatology or see someone privately. I had roaccutane as a teenager and it's not an exaggeration to say it changed my life.

RE roaccutane affecting mood - I found seeing it improve my skin hugely within a week was the most mood boosting thing ever. Also she wouldn't have to have top dose - I had half dosage and that was effective for me.

Disclaimer: I haven’t rtft

I think I am prob going against general consensus but being pretty enough is unfortunately and depressingly reasonably important for women.

and I’d help them sort it if they want if only for their confidence.

i had my teeth sorted in my mid 20s myself and it was transformative.

my orthodontist told me adult patients actually get the best results
I had train tracks for just under 2 years and it was some of the best money I ever spent.
od find someone decent not someone bashing out Invisalign treatment plans via randoms living abroad (this is common)

regarding the skin there are def products that can help it’s a case of finding them

if they aren’t happy about it and I imagine most people aren’t I’d look at something like a skin&me or semantics subscription
the nhs are fairly useless with this kind of thing unfortunately and with acne it’s about consistency and gradual improvement over months vs a 2week transformation

The teeth and the acne can both be sorted. There's not an age limit on either of them. I would only mention the teeth if you can afford the braces, but I would mention the acne. It can be done in a kind way. I've got a spotty young adult of my own. I simply said, you're looking a bit spotty, lets get some cream from here to help heal it so your face isn't sore, and got acne meds online via boots pharmacy. It's easy. I did want to say, though, OP, that there is nothing you could have done in their teens that would have fixed their acne forever. It can be a long term problem and need long term management. I had it from my early twenties to menopause. The funny thing is, when I was at uni, all the girls I knew who had beautiful skin were on medical treatment for acne.

I would also say that the women you know, bragging about their sons pulling pretty girlfriends, are also packing some low self esteem of their own. Is that the mark of success for a mother? That your son has managed to pull a girl who looks attractive in a filtered social media photo? Really? Not that he's kind, or adventurous, or independent, or doing well at work, or in a happy relationship, but his girlfriend is pretty? That's not healthy for boys either.

If her skin is because of Pcos roaccutane alone won't help, I speak from experience. My GP won't prescribe Yasmin anymore because of the cost and tried to put me on what they said was a generic version, my skin was awful in two months and my periods were affected too. I now get Yasmin from super drug online pharmacy. My local one even does your blood pressure etc for you. It's about £50 for six months which is not a huge amount for me and I know it suits me.

I don’t think it’s too late to help the second Dd with her teeth and yes I think this is massive most parents do when the kids are younger if they can.
If your not into makeup and appearance maybe your girls are lagging behind as they never had anyone to experiment with or who was in to that stuff. .

It is a harsh world out there these days . Girls are all full face like art , extensions etc . It’s not cheap to be a female and here days
@Watermelon212 what aboit you treat you all to a facial and get your makeup done the girls can get tips for there skin and blending techniques . This can be part of a Xmas gift .

Offer to help the second Dd with her teeth.
Go for lunch have a chat see if they ok .
Go around the shops with them maybe you will see a different side to them .

I think there is a big difference between personal appearance - clothes, nails, eyebrows, hairstyle etc which you leave kids to develop and mature into their own style and health issues such as teeth and acne.

ds(20) didn't qualify for braces, I encouraged to him when he was a teenager he ideally should have had a couple of teeth out, but armed with all the information he was adamant he didn't want them. Now as his wisdom teeth are pushing in his teeth are (like mine) crowed at the bottom front and not perfectly straight at the top (your dd's teeth are much better than his), but he owns it as his decision and doesn't regret it and does smile.

We did get him to the GP for acne and eventually paid for private Roaccutane last year for his severe acne as it was clearly getting him down and he has been completely spot free most of this year and his confidence as grown with it.

I would deal with the acne as a health issue and not an appearance one - don't mention the make up or appearance, other than to day it looks uncomfortable/sore. If they haven't already I would encourage them to go to the GP for the first level treatment (oral/topical antibiotics really helped ds for a year or two) and to either get on the waiting list for NHS dermatology or go private (22 weeks of Roaccutane for ds cost £500 in prescriptions, we got his private consultations through my work health insurance). If they don't want to do it then it is their choice.