Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

We certainly do live in an appearance obsessed society but I don’t think having good teeth and skin falls under this category.

No point in beating yourself up but if there is a way of helping them deal with these issues now I would try. Definitely pay for braces if your DD wants them.

I don't know I agree that its so important teens get to adulthood with straight, white teeth. I have neither and it bothers me a little but not enough to endure the pain of braces and certainly not enough to make me smile. I suppose if she asked for it maybe you should have stretched to it in hindsight but I can see why you made the decision you did. Straight, white teeth are nice but they aren't the path to confidence and self esteem. I think if you supported them in their talents and interests, were their cheerleaders there and continue to be, they will get through.

The only thing that jumps out that I would have done differently is the non-essential braces, because my husband has exactly the same situation and his teeth still bother him in photos. Even wedding photos he mentioned his teeth in one, which I thought was really sad. If an opportunity comes up (without suggesting unprompted that she needs them) I would offer some of the adult brace options - I have seen a couple of influencers use some recently. On the makeup, you could offer as a Christmas present to get them a beauty counter makeover - it's a nice experience/gift without suggesting they are doing anything wrong. Although I'm not sure if makeup will make a difference without good skincare - recommend Caroline hirons for advice on tackling skin issues. My skin is the other end of the spectrum, eczema-prone, and getting that under control was enormous for my self confidence when I was at university.

I dint think you are at all, but if they need braces and skin care support, then I think that’s important (the activities will lessen). And Vinted fir branded stuff!

Why have you come to the conclusion that it is their appearances that are causing their self esteem issues. Have you spoken to them about it?

It sounds to me as though you did the best you could, op, and nobody can ask for more than that.

I'm sure your girls are fine, they all go through phases of not being happy about this and that, frequently their appearance, but it passes.

Your 18 year old's braces will come off and your other daughter can have orthodontics if she wants, adults frequently do.

Don't beat yourself up over what cannot be changed.

My mum was never into hair, make up etc. From an early age I was - magazines etc rather than the internet, lol. Point being if they cared they absolutely could easily be much more focused on appearance than they seem to be, it’s not your ‘fault’ if they are not. I do think you probably should have helped getting her teeth sorted - I had to have braces when younger and I am so glad now that my mum insisted - but that’s also sortable by your DD now if she wants to. Perhaps you could offer to help out if she did want, eg Invisalign braces, now.
Your two lovely DDs are young adults now and it’s up to them how they look. If there is a self esteem issue yes it could be linked, but it’s the self esteem that’s the important thing - something to gently explore without needing to mention the more superficial appearance point perhaps. You sound lovely and caring btw.

@Watermelon212
Beauty standards change so much between generations, now it's bonkers in my opinion no diversity , boys black tracksuit fade haircut ,grey joggers ( with hand down the front usually) girls long straight hair, fillers overly white , overly "done" teeth
You did what you thought was right at the time or what you could afford .

It’s a tricky balance. We did pay privately for braces so that DS has them sooner and out the way by mid teens as I recall friends who had them at 18 hated it. I do also guide my DC to help with skincare as acne can definitely dent self confidence. Glasses aren’t uncool now, in the same way they may have been when I was younger.

I wasn’t hugely self confident at their age, not really sure why, it’s a hard age - I definitely wasn’t v glam as my mum wasn’t into make up or nails etc whereas some friends mums were so they were more clued up.

Self confidence isn’t all based on appearance though, do they still do sport, as that usually helps with self confidence, are they doing well at uni or find the work hard and that’s diminishing their confidence? Maybe do some more casual digging to see how they truly feel?

I actually think you have brought them up exactly how parents should bring up a daughter !

And if more parents did the same there perhaps would be less focus on what people look like !!
your daughters are human beings with talents and personalities they will soon grow into their own person .
And when they meet there future partners they will be respected and not just treated as a object please please do not think you have done anything wrong at all ❤️ xx

Could you mention getting a facial for yourself and take them both too? They may then take advice from the professional on what to do next ie face washes/treatments?

Thanks for all of the messages, I don’t have time to reply to everyone at the moment.

For those who mentioned the braces, I agree and wish I had some more at the time. Do you think it’s still possible to do something?

I have attached a picture of the teeth below I didn’t think they were too bad, but actually there is only one or two pictures on my camera roll where DD is showing her teeth, the rest are just smiling without the teeth. Do you think there is anything that would help, it is made the lower teeth?

thanks in advance

I'm a bit torn as I grew up with a mum who couldn't have cared less how I looked - frizzy hair, big glasses and second hand clothes. I was a miserable teenager as I didn't fit in and she did nothing to help. I begged for contact lens and to be fair, got them aged 16. Then I got a weekend job and started updating my wardrobe and saved money to have a clothes splurge before heading off to uni. I learned how to apply make-up and do hair from uni friends. And by the time I was in my early 20s totally blossomed and was 'on trend'.
I don't hate my mum in any way but I learned that if I want something in life I need to achieve it myself and same applies with career, money etc. And your DDs are old enough to take initiative themselves.

Look what is done is done. But yes I do think it is important to equip our children for the world they have to live in rather than the world we wish they did live in.
You know looks are important and the world kind to attractive people even though you might wish it was different. So yes the braces would have been good. It's not to late for Invisalign! Or acne treatment, but it has to be initiated by them.
You want them to fit in and have an easier life no? I feel exactly the same about parents who say crap like they don't let kids do gaming, social media, hang about in McDonald's, out after dark, know anything about football. Seriously...do they not want these kids to have any friends or confidence?

I think you have done a lot as you mention hair, eyebrows and nails. I have a dd aged 18 and she goes to the hairdresser twice a year, she has never mentioned her eyebrows and I bought her a voucher for nails as a present but she didn’t use it as she is still biting her nails. She does have braces and it has made a massive different to her teeth and I think I would have paid if I had to as her teeth were so crooked.

My dd does love make up and skincare and I know a lot of young girls do. I have not encouraged it tbh as I think a lot of it is a waste of money but she does have the interest and likes to get the latest products etc.

I do think appearance is important and offer to buy my dd clothes she might like, more because I want her to fit in with everyone else than anything else. I bought her some Nike sportswear she wanted but she never wears it and some of the latest fashions eg those big parachute trousers but she doesn’t wear them either. She is always in black! They are what they are. You can’t push them anyway.

It sounds like you've done exactly what you should have done.

Re the pic of the teeth, they look fine to me and very straight. I would take the dentist’s advice to see if they can be improved but if they don’t qualify for braces then the dentist obviously thinks they are fine too. My dc’s teeth were coming through at all angles and difficult to clean.

You can still fix your DD’s teeth. Pay for her braces now. However, had you done it at the appropriate time it would have been cheaper.

Regarding Acne have they been referred to a dermatologist? If not ask them to be referred.

I had braces as a child but my bottom teeth had moved again so had Invisalign a few years ago. Maybe better now than fixed braces, they’d be sorted relatively quickly.

OP - going against the grain here but I think you should have paid for braces and gotten their acne sorted. Can you pay for that now? Or offer to?

My mum was a perfectionist with her appearance and it rubbed off on me. It does create added stress, but tbh it's also enhanced my life. I've never been single, men have generally treated me super well/acted delighted to date me, and I've been promoted quickly at work. I'm not sure how much of this is my looks Vs personality, but I think feeling like you look good (even if it's not true) hugely can boost your confidence.

Obviously you don't want to teach your daughters looks are everything, but you want them to feel they look good!

Her teeth look great to me! I despise the current trend of bright white dead straight veneers. There is nothing wrong with her teeth!

I'm not sure what you could have done really? Braces only do so much, I had them for years and my teeth are very determined and are creeping back to where they were before!

Some people have naturally beautiful clear skin, perfectly straight teeth, and symmetrical features and some people don't. You can do so much with nice make-up, a good haircut, a healthy diet and exercise but you either win the genetic lottery in terms of looks or you don't. And it's very much luck whether or not your particular features happen to fit the paradigm of the society and time period you live in

This is a very image-obsessed age and maybe they are feeling self-conscious, but as they get older, other things will become more important. Some of their more beautiful friends will find that their looks are fading and they've coasted a bit because they could, and now have catching up to do!

Your daughter’s teeth do like mild - but the point is she is self conscious about them. Yes adults can change their teeth - get a free professional opinion she might be eligible for a min course of Invisalign.
re skin - we went to Dermo and got a prescription cream did wonders for my daughters acne and scarring and pigmentation from spots. But I only took my daughter after she asked me a few times. I’m not sure about suggesting to your daughters their skin is bad so needs treatment..
I heard boots offers this skin service now

You did more re. their appearance than I did for either of mine and seem quite judgy that they aren't paying more attention to it now.

Mine had braces and regular haircuts. One had awful acne and so (at her request) we went to the doctor together and she was prescribed the mini-pill which sorted it. Apart from that and basic hygiene I left their appearance to them. I remember the goth years with horror!

It wouldn't have occurred to me to pay for nails or eyebrows or highlights for young teens. Once they turned 14 they got generous allowances and any personal grooming came from there - if that's what they chose to prioritise.

They are early 30s now. One is very keen on make up and grooming. She looks more glamorous putting the bins out than I look at a cocktail party. The other is much more casual and sporty.

i actually think the glamorous sister is the more insecure. She's always compared herself to her big sister and worried that she's not clever enough or talented enough or popular enough (for no reason - she's AMAZING). The glamour is a facade to cover up her insecurities. Her big sis is secure enough to not pay too much heed to her appearance on an everyday basis (although she scrubs up beautifully when she wants to).

Her top teeth are great but a lot of her bottom teeth are crooked and the middle ones are crossed over. As we age teeth move to the centre - I think she should get her teeth fixed for health reasons as the teeth above will be not hitting the teeth below in right places causing wear and tear she’ll notice and might need fixed when older.