Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

Physical beauty doesn't protect a woman from a lack of self confidence.

Bad teeth are horrendous. I always look at someone’s teeth. There are no excuses these days not to have straight white teeth. It just seems sloppy.

I would pay for her to have braces now as you should have done it when she was younger. It’s not her responsibility to be burdened with the cost.

I would only pay for braces if the teeth were really wonky, not for minor imperfections. Tbh it’s a relatively recent beauty standard to have perfect teeth so you possibly couldn’t have known that it would be important.

Also a lot of acne can’t really be sorted out, especially mild hormonal acne. It’s just a fact of life. If they had severe, scarring acne, that should have been tackled.

I often think about this with my own kids because they really want to look nice and I just don’t know how to help them. I’m not into skincare, hair and makeup and frankly have terrible taste in clothes! You can only do your best OP and it sounds like you really did.

@Watermelon212 I prefer your daughter's teeth to what a lot of teeth look like now I find the "turkey teeth" ,(for want of a nicer description) utterly bizarre and look like 1980s dentures to me.

My friend who spends the most amount of time and money on her appearance (hair, nails, makeup, Botox, surgery) has the lowest self esteem out of anyone I know.

Re acne...skin+ me is a good thing to try
Teeth..invisalign?

Looks are only important if they're important to the individual. I know lots of people who seem happy to not care about what they look like.

What you describe re acne and teeth are medical issues imo not about beauty. Personally my skin is the most important thing in terms of my appearance. I do spend time and money on skin care and high quality therapies (skin pen, hydra facials and moxi). If my skin is clean and clear then it helps me feel good.
I really do feel for people who have acne. It must really impact their self esteem.

I have a teen DD who is very into skincare and I've taught her subtle make up over the years. I do think it's important to show them how to look after their skin teeth, hair and bodies.

If your DD's are interested in that it would be worth them booking an appt with a good beauty therapist who can recommend products and show them how to apply.

Your DD's teeth look lovely btw. My dd has braces at age 10. They're actually cool now for some reason.

Ultimately they're young adults. Unless they're bringing these concerns to you then I wouldn't say anything.

I would personally have paid for the braces because I see that as more of a medical issue than a cosmetic one but I don’t think you’re a bad parent or that you should have focused more on the way they look - it’s unlikely that it would have supported their self esteem and could have been counter productive.

It sounds like they were raised in a supportive, caring environment. Poor self image is a chronic problem for women raised in a patriarchal world - you aren’t responsible for the relentlessness of a capitalist machine making money out of women hating the way they look.

Continue to be a source of support and, when requested, offer advice. They’re at tough ages for self esteem but they will likely find their confidence improves as they navigate their place in the world.

I was going to say that if you can afford Invisalign’s etc for your daughter, do it. Teeth in my opinions really do affect self confidence.

However, after seeing your daughter’s smile… there’s nothing wrong with her teeth!! I’d rate them as a 9.5/10. I’d say they’re on par with Kate Middleton’s.

Could it just be that your DD just aren’t into fashion/social media?

And, I often find those who are the most self confident are the ones who spend a fortune on clothes/makeup/treatments then spend the evening getting the perfect photo for the ‘gram.

They probably look younger as they’re natural. If they’re happy, relax. If not, ask them what you can do to help.

I’m sure the OP’s daughter can make this decision for herself. My point is that her teeth look fine and it is a terrible shame that she hides them.

Putting effort into appearance can help you feel good, but honestly, self-esteem comes within. It's about being self-assured and accepting yourself without judgement, no matter what.

Are you sure they have low self-esteem if they're otherwise happy? Perhaps the acne etc doesn't bother them. Hopefully you have taught them they have value beyond their looks.

Women and young girls are not used to seeing themselves without makeup. Men don't have to wear it, and we don't walk around thinking their faces look strange. We are conditioned to see women without makeup as ugly, when in reality we're just not used to seeing women as they are. It took me a long time of not wearing makeup to realise my face is actually fine as it is. It doesn't look weird. I now just wear makeup for me when I'm feeling expressive and want fun eye shadows or etc, not with the motivation to look good.

Also, appearance isn't everything. How many blokes don't care about their appearance? It's okay to not be 'attractive'. We don't owe anyone looking good, but ofc if it makes you feel great, then go for it.

On a side note- my wife had chronic acne for years. We both went vegan (not suggesting they do this) and she rarely has break outs now. Dairy can hugely impact acne.

Regardless, they're adults now. If they want to work on their appearance, they will.

Those saying I would have personally paid for braces, maybe op couldn't afford the expense, it is and was expensive and unachievable for many. Some ppl are coppering up for their shopping. We know nothing of her financial situation

I don't think you're to blame here. I think lack of self confidence is really, really common - particularly when you have social media filters showing them what they "should" look like.

Spending more money on their appearance would, in my opinion, just have taught them that they weren't okay as they were born, and needed to change things about themselves. You did your best, it's all any of us can do, and I don't personally think you did anything wrong.

Why are they happy that their sons are so shallow? Did they mention any other qualities these girls had? Appearance is given much more importance than it deserves. You've done nothing wrong.

Christ, they sound bloody awful!

When eldest DS got his first girlfriend I wanted to know about her. What music she liked, if she played videos games (a big thing in our house). To this day I've no idea what that girl looked like, it made no odds at all.

His partner now (with whom he has a baby) happens to be very pretty. In the early days, before we met her, my youngest DS & my mum found her on IG (nothing creepy & my son is kinda vulnerable so this isn't a usual situation) & we were all pleased her IG wasn't full of filters, duck face & selfies - it was photos of things, places & her sister. It was a huge relief!!

What makes her special is her kindness & patience with our son - she understands him & adores him. She's also turned out to be a wonderful mum & I think the world of her.

I'm so grossed out by your friends reactions to these young women, just horrible!!

I think I agree with this. Nails, hair colour, tanning etc are their issue to sort/ save up for and I personally wouldn’t encourage any of that in a teen do I don’t think you needed to do more. I think our world is depressingly superficial, and it’s great when individuals don’t feel pressured to conform. Personally I think some of it looks a bit unattractive anyway if done so it’s obvious.

That said, the teeth and skin I think are quite important, as both can become one more complicated if not sorted. You don’t get worse skin from not tanning, or worse hair from not colouring it! But teeth can be harder to clean if not straight, risking decay and pain jaw alignment type issues if there is a big over or underbite etc ( not always totally obvious). Similarly, if acne gets too severe it can damage the skin for life, and I think there is a difference between colouring hair falsely and just helping skin to be a healthy, smooth barrier. I think if I raised it, I’d do it more as that sort of medical conversation - and stay well away from the more cosmetic suggestions, just to try to keep the balance of not making them feel valued for looks.

I’m not really sure an orthodontist would treat her she has lovely teeth! Perhaps encourage her to get a free Invisalign consultation and they may reassure her how minor it is? And/or how expensive it would be treat? I have braces now at 35 almost 36 and I really hate them I wish I had had them as a teenager but the difference is mine qualify for free NHS treatment they are so bad!

sorry @Watermelon212 i posted before reading all of the post i responded to

Re teeth, I think the OP's daughter has a lovely smile, with very naturally straight teeth. I'd mention that aside from the cost of fixing, there is a big downside to having had bracework - which is that the teeth don't stay fixed on their own. I'm in my late 30s and have to wear a retainer every night. Despite what some orthodontists will tell you about weaning off it, I don't know anyone who has been able to. I can go a night without mine, but after just 2 nights my whole head is sore from the movement of my teeth, and I'm panicking that it won't fit again, and it's a painful squeeze to get it back on. And once teeth start to move, gums soften, and you don't necessarily end up back where you were - the new alignment might be worse than the original that you corrected. My retainer is the possession of mine I worry about losing most when I'm travelling. Keys, credit cards, you name it, are all nothing compared to my fear of losing it. It's frankly ridiculous.
My teeth were quite bad when I was a teenager so overall I don't regret having braces, but with teeth as straight as your daughter's, I'd leave them as they are - for her sake.

As the mum of a 15 and almost 20 year old daughters. If your daughters wanted to focus on their appearance, they would do it themselves. My 15 year old took herself to the doctor about her acne and got it sorted. They both are the ones who maintain their appearance, hair, make up etc. It's not forced by me or something I have ever focused on, they went naturally that way themselves. I would however tell them their foundation needs blended at their jaw line and have done before, when they were younger, if I notice it others would.

Pictures are not reality! Young women of this age learn how to take 100's of photos and choose the one nice one, use filters and angle shots to be most flattering. They do not reflect what they look like in real life. If you go to a university, there's a mix of how people present, but plenty of young people have trouble with their skin, not perfect teeth. Long glossy hair and smiling is in though.

I would offer the dd without braces braces if you can afford it- I did mine once in teen years and once again with Invisalign as they had shifted.

Beyond that, don't believe the hype. Do listen to them. You focusing on them as people will be sooo much more important, don't give them a complex about their looks at this stage!

I’m 40. This morning I struggled with my self esteem about how I look. Perimenopausal weight gain, hormonal acne since teens, exhaustion of breastfeeding a 2 year old etc etc all showing in my appearance. All this to say: it never ends!

OP we can’t all be stunning models, we live in a visual and superficial time - I don’t think it’s healthy and we have to teach girls to value themselves beyond looks. But acne is painful and misery making. Dr Edward Seaton at Harley street is a genius who sorted both mine and my brother’s skin. We aren’t rich but the amount I have spent on skin care over the years 500-1k to completely sort the problem seemed worth it to us. We saved a bit and asked for contributions from family as birthday/xmas gifts.

They were talking about how their sons had girlfriends and were very focussed on how these girls looked. They were showing pictures saying how beautiful/stunning etc these girls were and how their sons had chosen well and that they hoped they were the one because the children would be beautiful

What awful awful people. You sound lovely, your girls sound lovely, try not to spend more time than necessary with people hung up on looks, it's pointless and a reflection of consumerism relating to appearance- there is much to be valued in this life and they are missing it.

You are don't worry. I'm so glad I had all those activities and it's created an urge in me to find activity groups in adult life, and I hardly think about trendy clothes, just what I like. I'm not saying I'm great, I just mean it's a happy feeling to have interests and know I can always find social groups etc because of it, and whack a bit of music or art practise out if I'm feeling blue. Bit hard as a parent to keep up with the activities but that feeling is still there. If you have a poor moment in your adult life and the thing which makes you happy is a skill, that's always available. If the thing which makes you happy is having the latest fashion, well you're gonna feel miserable in the poor moments.

We were really lucky and got both DDs' orthodontics on the NHS.

I do get them and did get them nice clothes, trainers, makeup, skincare etc but didn't just blindly accede to every demand.

There's time yet, OP. Best not to peak in high school I think. I probably looked my best aged about 28.

DD1 is 19 and was a fashionista from the off- she had Opinions on clothes from toddlerhood. She once put all my bras on at once from a drawer when she was crawling - about 8 months old - not fastened but correctly on over the arms. She has worked PT since 16 though and mostly buys her own stuff.

DD2 is less bothered and still asks my opinion on clothes at 15. At 5'10" and slim she looks incredible in everything but doesn't know it. I hope she'll get a PT job next year.