Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

You’re right that young women are judged more on their looks than their accomplishments but I don’t think that’s a new thing. Attractive women always get the better job offers in my experience.

I’ve paid €5K to get Invisalign straighteners for my teen’s teeth. (No free orthodontic treatment here in Ireland)

He’s almost finished with them and he’s looking great. I consider it money well spent even though we’re on a low income.

I hated my teeth all my adult life and it’s affected my confidence massively as my top lip covers my top teeth even when I smile, so it looks very odd.

I would put it down to university rather than how they look. Uni is a really weird bubble which is often an extension of secondary school, the bitchiness, the judgement, the superficiality. It's not always like that but it often is. I find after that things start to calm down, you tend to end up working with people who are more grown up, more professional, more worldly and hopefully more empathetic.

I'd continue to concentrate on things other than their appearance. Relying on your appearance or what other people think of for your self esteem is a dangerous game.

It's a tricky one for parents and as you say COVID happened right when you would have gotten braces and acne sorted. My daughter came to me about acne and I said we would sort it. But she came to me about it. And we did sort it through a combination of antibiotics, pill and strong retinoids. Undoubtedly, this has had an improvement in esteem. This was through NHS as well. My son also doesn't qualify for braces but his teeth are not straight. He knows we can pay for a brace but I have said he needs to let us know what he wants to do next summer (which also gives us time to save). I think it's fair to leave the ball in their court as long as they know you are there to help.

@Caerulea
I also noticed the 'straighten hair' comment.. as if curly hair isn't beautiful!! Which it very much is!

@sommerjade as someone who has poker straight hair I can tell you curly hair is STUNNING. My algorithms must think I've curly hair cos I linger on so many videos of luscious waves 😭.

That aside - I take issue with changing fundamentals about yourself to conform & your hair type is as you as it's possible to get. (also, kinda racist no?)

@Caerulea exactly, a person being made to feel they have to change your natural hair pattern to conform to a certain aesthetic is not right; and definitely could be seen as racist if the person feeling under pressure to confirm is a different race.

Be careful not to project your concerns and worries onto your daughters. It all sounds perfectly fine to me. They are very young and finding their feet. Posting a picture of your daughter’s teeth online for strangers to judge is pretty extreme. They both clearly have a lot going for them, just make sure to be positive around them and highlight all their brilliant qualities.

Hardly identifiable so not really extreme.

it is interesting to garner opinions to see if others thought they would benefit from braces. To me they look ok, but I appreciate that the lower ones might look better if straighter,

I agree they have a lot going for them, obviously as a parent it’s normal to want the absolute best for them and also look at what I could have done better with hindsight. None of us our perfect and as others have said, society has changed a lot in 10 years, especially in relation to looks and image. I definitely won’t make a big deal about it and I definitely put more emphasis on other qualities.

Posting pictures of your daughters teeth online for strangers to judge their appearance is fairly extreme behaviour. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t identifiable, although I’m glad they aren’t as I doubt your daughter has consented!

I think you are right to continue focusing on other aspects of your daughters besides their appearance. It does come across like you are very anxious about how they look, and they may pick up on that. How someone looks should be the least interesting thing about them. The remark made to you by your friend about their sons preferring ‘naturally good looking girls without make up’ is sexist and i wouldn’t want my daughters dating such men anyway. I think you are at risk of giving this far too much headspace.

Those teeth look great, I can’t believe braces even came up! They are far straighter than mine and mine have never been a negative. The skin one is hard, but it isn’t the root cause of any issues they have. Just try and stay close to them op, and be supportive. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

I had adult acne in my early 20s and dianette did not work for me at all, really bad side effects. Pro-activ worked wonders, it is a US product that used to be available in Boots but is no longer available in England I think. My mother, who is generally the sharpest critic of my physical appearance, got it for me and I was grateful when it worked. My acne was painful, I was open to trying anything and everything.

I wouldn't put having healthy skin & teeth in the same bracket as bothering overly with appearance.

Bad acne can be awful, really sore and leave a lot of scarring. I'd consider it a health issue and would have fought hard to find the money to try things for that. Did they try roaccutane?

The teeth are absolutely fine so stop projecting there's absolutely nothing wrong there.

You would do better to encourage them to be happy with themselves now, than to focus on identifying things could change in pursuit of some form of "perfection", it doesn't exist and just leads to dysmorphia and wanting to change everything about yourself.

Tell them they look lovely when they don't have the makeup trowelled on. Compliment the choices they make that reflect their personalities and what they have control over - a top in a colour that suits them, an artistic/stylish accessory, when they've made an effort to do a new hairstyle, a bold/fun lipstick choice.

Yes - but DS is getting the treatment so it wasn’t a reason to refuse it. I mentioned the importance of straightening the teeth to prevent future decay - and the orthodontist shot me down in flames!!

Ring dermatology back and ask for her to be seen again. She's already been seen so this is a pro. If they refuse because it's been too long, I'd be firm and play the card as if they'd failed her before and that they owe you a favour, insist she was wrongly discharged last time because they were too dismissive, plus it's now got a lot worse. Be polite but firm, ask for another appointment. Then phone again in a couple of days. Learn how to play the game.

If they still refuse ask GP to re-refer.

Fight. And fight hard. Polite but firm. I love fighting hospitals, phoning up yet again. I make an art of it. You could too.

I think not paying for the braces if you could have stretched was a bit mean. I wish i’d have had braces and approaching 50 it’s a bit late though I am considering veneers, though very expensive. I always smile with my mouth closed. Otherwise I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You took them to the GP re acne, and didn’t find anything that worked, it’s on them to go now.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

Ok, well, maturity is not linked to how much make up you wear.
Not wearing make up is usually a sign of confidence rather than insecurity. If your daughters are insecure about their appearance for whatever reason than make-up will not make any difference to how they feel.

I just saw the picture of your daughter’s teeth, OP. She has a lovely smile. It is fine. Don’t beat yourself up over that. I had braces/headgear the works, and my teeth in my lower jaw moved, and now are crooked…moved when the retainer was taken off, so no guarantees.

If the acne is bothering them, go private with a dermatologist so they don’t scar. And lastly, don’t be so hard on yourself. COVID with teenagers is so much to deal with. They will be OK….they are at university and getting through, and best of all, they know their mum loves them and values them for who they are. That’s the important thing.

Would a study abroad help their confidence? I used to direct one for 2nd year students, and the students really matured a lot in their year away. They had to navigate life in a foreign land, and realised they could do it. I had the great privilege of watching them blossom into adults.

I also want to say there is a lot of focus on "you should have done this when they were younger", well maybe but her girls are still only 18 and 20!

When I went to uni aged 18 I had a terrible acne flare up and had to go back on the medication I had been on in my mid teens.

Your girls are really still very young adults. They could make their own decisions on what to do but you can still support them to make these changes now.

I think most teenage girls and young women feel insecure about some aspects of their appearance. Older women too, but life takes over to some extent. I think this has always been the case but is worse now for younger women because of social media and phone cameras. I don't think any parent can stop the insecurity completely because of societal influences. My lovely looking DD and her lovely looking friends all moan about their appearance as I did when I was young. Not sure what the answer is but I think you have done well to bring up two clever, sociable girls.

Also, you are comparing your DDs to their peers which I think is unhelpful as you can't know them as well as your DDs.

Your daughter's teeth look great, she has a lovely smile.

Don't heat yourself up, we all wish we'd done things differently. If you couldn't afford it, you couldn't afford it.

It's not too late for braces and if you can offer to help, even better. Similarly with skin care, there are good specialists. The one thing good about make up is that certain skin blemishes can be camouflaged if they are self-conscious about it.

You need nicer friends.

Totally ignore it. Do not say anything.

You say they aren't that bothered.

You are the one that seems bothered, in quite a superficial way. It's seems like a you think they aren't pretty, attractive, feminine enough. They'll experiment and find stuff that works for them. It's great that they are natural. It's hard in this Instagram world to find themselves and how they fit, but they will find it, especially with great friends.

Do they have "low self esteem" or are they not being the daughters YOU want? It's quite normal to feel overwhelmed at uni, it's quite normal to be a late bloomer when it comes to boys, and focus on studies instead. It's quite normal to be a bit hormonal at this age and for things like skin, scalp, to get irritated and flair up, due to stress, due to pressure, due to thr pill, due to hormones.
It's quite normal to not have a grown up style yet and still cling to teenagers looks that a comfortable until they find their "adult style" which might blossom when they work, and are around other professionals not necessarily at uni.

Just love them as they are, stop judging them! There's a lot going on here and as for boys, boys (most men) don't actually care about "gorgeous girls" and we as woman shame woman far more than they do other than a few mean ones which aren't worth their time, let's not judge each other so harshly, let's raise each other up and focus on the inside qualities, on talents and what they are good at - this is how you build self esteem, unless explicitly saying I don't feel good, I don't look good, etc etc... remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone will find them beautiful, I'm just sad for your girls you don't seem to find them beautiful, I'd work on that! They probably sense it.