Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

I’m on the fence about this. I would have done the braces and sorted the acne, to be honest. That’s a different kettle of fish to make up/ lashes etc. I wouldn’t count braces or acne medication as high maintenance, just basic parenting.

I’m very low maintenance and find the amount of money my son‘s girlfriends spend on nails, hair, waxing and make-up incomprehensible.

But good skin and good teeth are important. Not just as teens but ongoing. And can be solved by doctors. It’s weird to me that in the UK people can afford medical care but don’t get it if it isn’t ‘free’.

We paid for both my sons to go to a dermatologist to get roaccutane which cleared up their skin immediately - why wait till they have scars? And I paid AUD11K for braces for my son.

You can’t change the past but I’d help them now to get sorted.

It may have no impact on their self esteem though.

Braces are not 'basic parenting' they are a middle-class option for people with £ to spare- I know as I am one, but probably half the population or more cannot afford braces for their teens and so bad teeth are once again becoming a marker of poverty (if it ever truly went away).

I would help them play the 'game' by getting their teeth done, but be aware it is a game and it's not one everyone can play.

Maybe a gift of a girls day out for Christmas - all three of you? Hair, nails, eyebrows and a make up lesson? I think if you are not terribly fussed about makeup generally and certainly not enough to start watching YouTube tutorials that a good make up professional who will teach you some tricks to do good day time and an evening "eye" makeup is probably dead handy.

Acne is trickier. An offer to take them private for a consultation with a dermatologist might be really well received. I don't think her teeth need braces either but we all have our own hang ups about random stuff that other people don't notice or think is an issue.

I love my mum but the only thing she focuses on is looks and she did all of the things you mention - braces, teeth whitening, eyebrows, I used to get lashes done, tan, nails, hair. She bought me loads of clothes and always made sure I looked nice. I know she had good intentions but honestly the constant focus on appearance and critical comments about what I needed done did nothing but destroy my self esteem. Even today as a 30 year old with my own daughter I panic when I see her about what she will say about my looks, particularly now I don't have the time to get all the treatments she wants me to. I think it's much better to focus on your daughters achievements and their self confidence will grow with time.

choose different friends!!

The braces I would have paid for , currently paying for them for my youngest eldest i also paid for them . In the long run it's money well spent. The acne is difficult because it's finding and sticking to a treatment plan that works . I think all young people now are bombarded with pics of perfect people and it's so unrealistic .

Sadly this is a reflection on your ‘friends’ - not even on their boys who may totally have ‘chosen’ these girls because they are bright and confident (like your girls).

There are loads of young men who have no time for girls who are appearance obsessed - my nearly 17 DS is one of those. He likes girls to simply be lovely people: fun and kind, interesting/interested in the world, sharing similar interests to him, ideally dog lovers. My DH is the same, although he does of course think I am beautiful (I’m not, more ‘exotic’/non English looking!).

I wouldn’t worry about your girls, or your parenting. They sound lovely. It’s very normal to feel a little less confident when at uni - it’s part of the normal growing pains. Just keep doing what you’ve always done, ie affirm how proud you are of who they are and how hard they work, and they will be fine.

Detail of thread but just get a back up retainer @CarrotySnack ! It will pay for itself in peace of mind!

It sounds like you brought your daughters up the best way possible. It’s worse when perfectly attractive women won’t let anyone see them without makeup and lash extensions because they’ve never learned to accept their own faces as they are.

For acne, if your DDs are on the pill anyway then Yasmin really helps clearing up hormonal skin issues.

The NHS won't usually prescribe it due to how much it costs compared to a more standard pill, but it can be ordered via a private prescription from superdrug and other online pharmacies. It doesn't actually cost that much (£25 for a 3 month supply).

You are.

I would have paid for the braces because straight teeth are easier to keep clean so future dental health is easier to keep on top of. Maybe you can discuss this with your dd and see if there is a way to get her Invisalign on a payment plan.

They are adults now though so can address the skin issues with their gp for themselves.

I agree the way you have brought them up is far more likely to result in confidence and inner self-esteem in the long run- they are at uni, it's a stressful time, it's normal to feel unsure and even a bit down, but they are adults now, and they can choose for themselves how much to participate in the lookist culture we find ourselves in- and everyone's own answer will be different. I met a lovely young woman recently who does not remove her hair at all and had a lot of facial hair (on T possibly but possibly not, definitely identified as a woman) and she looked wonderful and care-free, but I'm guessing those choices were hard won. I just liked her 'this is me, get on with it' spirit and she'd found a wonderful partner who liked her like that, I was full of admiration as I'm not as relaxed about myself.

I am in my fifties and have started going make-up free and not making an effort with all my colleagues, I know I look 'worse' by current standards of beauty, but it's so important to have some of my life lived with my natural face.

You have handled this just fine and I would listen to them and if your dd says she'd like her teeth fixed, discuss it, the money, the need to wear retainers for life, the whole thing- and do it if it's a goal in her life. If it's not, don't worry so much. They will work out what they want to spend their time and energy on in life.

I love my son’s partner , and find her beautiful, because she is quirky and funny, and they laugh together so much.

Their baby is gorgeous too!

Your friends are really weird.

This is a thought-provoking article on the time and energy needed to participate in 'beauty culture':

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/27/cost-of-beauty-culture-benefits

It’s this generation I’m afraid. Shocking how young the girls start obsessing about their looks, with skincare, hair and makeup. Social media fuels the pressure to look perfect. It’s so hard for girls particularly.
OP you have given your girls the best start and allowed them to have hobbies and focus on more important things than looks. I know as a parent you always think you’ve failed in some way!

Oh - on skin! Try this combo as a Christmas gift for them both. Pills etc are an option but come with side effects obvs, whereas a nice simple routine will help reduce inflammation, redness & promote healing till their hormones pack it tf in.

The Ordinary - squalane facial cleanser
Inkey list - hyaluronic acid
Cosrx - niacinamide 15
Cosrx - snail mucin 96

Just the first & last items made a wild difference to my son's teen acne when they were bothered by it, it can't solve hormonal acne but the healing makes such a difference. Even just the snail mucin which is like some magic elixir, it's weird.

As an aside - visiliners are fairly reasonably priced these days with payment schemes that make them more affordable (there may be companies that have a student discount/payment scheme). I had my teeth straighten in my thirties for my wedding as teeth continue to move as you age and I was aware that the overbite could worsen with age.

Also, any GP will prescribe Zynerit lotion, which I’ve used on and off for 20 years when I have flare ups. Sorts acne out within days and really makes you feel more confident going make up free. Am post menopause now and one of the joys of it is that my skin is no longer impacted so I rarely bother with makeup now±

Whether we like it or not, Men/boys are primarily focused and attracted to looks, not what degree we have.

It’s primeval and part of there genes.

if your DD’s are bothered about their looks, they will do something about it.

it’s really not that hard to be pretty/attractive.

join a gym, skincare, be clean, straighten your hair, wear simple stylish clothes.

Unfortunately, I have tried that.
It cost my poor mother hundreds of quid at the time (I was still a teenager)... and it barely fits and is incredibly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is an understatement - as anyone who wears retainers will know, discomfort in the teeth quickly transmutes into pain after you've worn it a while. I don't know if the person fitting it did a bad job. I complained at the time I received it, and she just said that they all feel different and if I needed it, I'd get used to it, but it's visibly different from mine. I still feel guilty about the whole situation because I'd persuaded my Mum to get it for me and it was extortionate.
I contemplate getting yet another one now that I'm older, and probably should, but these days it's almost impossible to get the type I have, which is a Hawley. The only type anyone will do is a fully plastic mouthguard. My partner has one of these plastic types and he gets through about one a year because the plastic starts to break off in chunks. They aren't cheap, but more than that it terrifies me as I think it's a choking risk.
Anyway, that's a bit more detail than anyone asked for about retainers - but tl;dr: they are a lifelong pain in the neck.

I know what you mean, but these friends are nice normal people and their sons are lovely too.

It’s just a bit sad I think that image and looks are so seemingly important for women to aspire to.

i can’t imagine having the same conversation in reverse and commenting on specifics about their son’s appearance.

Your daughter's teeth are straighter than mine and I had braces.

What’s done is done, OP, and I don’t know the answer. You sound like a good mum for even asking the question, however, and I think your DS would appreciate that.

I agree with PPs that it’s refreshing when young women aren’t overly focussed on their looks, but no one needs acne. To a lesser extent it is nice to be rid of wonky teeth.

Your DDs aren’t yet at a point where they can afford to prioritise skin care, much less orthodontia. They might welcome conversations about the acne, and the one DD about braces or Invisalign now (if you can afford it).

Boots Online Pharmacy has an Acne Clinic with reasonably priced private prescriptions. I use a third generation retinoid, trifarotene (an updated version of tretinoin, which is the prescription only antiacne/antiageing ingredient at Skin and Me, Dermatica, etc) from BOP. It is £55 for £75g which lasts me 3-4 months and works out less than 1/3 the cost of those monthly subscription services. Of course it isn’t a ‘bespoke’ formula with over the counter ingredients added, but those are available cheaply as serums if wanted.

Also your GP may be able to prescribe trifarotene, brand name Aklief, for acne. Then I think it is about £30 for the 75g.

I have no connection to Boots, BTW.

Also if the acne is hormonal contraceptive pills may tip it one way or the other. Some are designed to help with HA.

I think braces is easier as a teen, so maybe a soft YABU there although I know if it's not financially viable there's not much to be done there - I know a few people who did it in their twenties and were embarrassed to be doing so whereas it's quite normal in your teens. But they can also choose to pay for invisalign etc if they want to.

Ultimately though you're assuming a lot here: you're assuming they're unhappy with how they look and that's directly affecting them, assuming they're behind their peers in some way. As an adult I've referred myself to a dermatologist to tackle my bad skin, I could get invisalign if I thought I needed it, I could get really into hair and makeup and my appearance if I wanted to. I think you're right that to go to them now and offer help when you weren't previously bothered would come across as critical: let them come to you if they want your help, and encourage their confidence in other ways.