Neighbour won’t change Wi-Fi password

[bluestoneboys]

Backstory - I get on pretty well with my neighbour, kids same age etc and my son used to go to school with them and loves to go over and hang out on occasion, while he was over there, neighbour let him use the Wi-Fi and he memorised the password (they know his history etc and that he has a brain like a sponge and a photographic memory)
now I can’t keep him off the Wi-Fi (at home he’s only ever had access to my personal hotspot so that I can completely limit access)
eventually I plan on getting him an iPad (probably for Christmas) so that I can download apps that can keep him safe as he’s permanently screaming at me when I say no YouTube etc as I don’t think it is appropriate for an 8yo
Now I’ve sussed out that he’s been hooked up to her Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks and has been sneaking time on his laptop overnight which fills me with anxiety about what he’s possibly doing on there. But she’s said she can’t change the password as that is too complicated etc
obv I know he’s my responsibility but given everything else he’s got going on and neighbour is aware I found it quite odd that she couldn’t change it in an effort to 1) stop him freeloading off her and 2) keep him safe
as of today I’ve now removed his laptop from him completely as it’s the only option I have currently to stop him, but he’s been flat out screaming and shouting for an hour now because his laptop is ‘very special’ to him as it’s where he stores all his work for homeschooling and also pictures of his pets (especially ones who have died) and he can get quite sentimental and sees this as a bit of an attack from me now
AIBU to ask her to change it to something he doesn’t know or was I out of line?

@DragonFly98 the op can still use the word "no" and parent their child.

Good answer. If OP's neighbour cannot change their password (which would be a massive process for their family) can they block your son? They may not like doing that but it would be the simpler option.

I suspect, like many parents today, OP may find it a bit of a shocker to be told that responsibility for their own DC lies with them.

Sorry ? I don't get this . He sounds like any 8 year old and I'm sure he isn't a bad kid but he needs to stop the screaming as it's abusive .

YABU!
You need to work out ways to manage your child better. He is 8 and you are struggling with him now. What will you do in a few years time when he is having tantrums as a teenager?

Put boundaries and consequences n place now. Follow through where necessary. Hopefully it can help his behaviour improve over time.

Remove the laptop when he is unsupervised. He will stop screaming eventually. Definately remove it at bedtime too. Special or not, an 8 year old doesn't need technology at bedtime. Print some pictures of pets for him. Frame them even.

Hmm…think you got a bit carried away, there. Sounds like a sure-fire recipe for MH issues for the child down the line. He’s homeschooled, anyway.

I’m in 2 minds about this. She shouldn’t have to get involved at all, or change her password. You’re the parent so it’s your problem.

However I think she could be more proactive. For example as the owner of the wifi she can disconnect devices that she doesn’t recognise. This isn’t to help you, but to protect herself. Your son could be looking at all sorts online such as nude people his age, and that would be traced back to her as it’s her wifi. So she should have a vested interest in wanting him off her connection. I personally wouldn’t want random people having complete access to my wifi for longer than necessary.

I mean discipline is discipline regardless of whether a child is ND or not. The world won't take kindly to him screaming at them when he is older. ND kids have to live in the real world, get jobs etc. Maybe the methods of discipline should be different but tantrums are manipulative behaviour and best nipped in the bud.

I don't think real mental illnesses like bipolar, psychosis etc are caused by a bit of discipline . I'm not talking about abuse but just not giving into his manipulative abusive behaviour . 8 is too old for tantrums even if ND. He has to earn his ipad by not tantrumming.

I wouldn't I'd have to change the password on 4 laptops, 4 Rokus, 4 phones, 2 desk top pcs, consoles, TV's and home control devices, plus kindles, guests devices etc all because a mother is scared to discipline her child, take away a laptop and block a WiFi network!

If this is real…, please look at your parenting style and work out if you are being effective in setting boundaries which are age appropriate. All children need strong emotionally intelligent parents who are warm and loving and can confidently set limits and expectations and hold the line.

please reflect on this.

I think a lot of the problem with children and devices is so many things at school are device and app based that you can’t really keep them away from screens. I don’t think covid lockdowns helped either as so many things went to an online basis so rather than meeting friends at groups etc and playing together it went online

I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask her to change the password, but she wasn’t unreasonable to say no. I would suggest that she blocks his device, otherwise he will be using her wifi.

Have a chat with your son and let him know that now he has access to the internet he will have to be supervised. Agree on the times he can have it, and how long he will lose his laptop for if he argues or takes his laptop out of the agreed times.

If the neighbour won’t do anything to stop him using her wifi then just let him use it. She gave him the password so can’t really complain.

Microsoft provides a family app. It's called Microsoft family safety and you just add your devices to it. Can't remember the exact steps but they'll be in the app. You can set timers and downtime and lock down internet access. There are various settings. Takes some fiddling around but seems to work well.

Why does he have access to his laptop at night anyway? All devices should be removed - its not only the internet that is a potential issue here

Also under the circumstances I don’t think you should get him the iPad.

you need to resolve this and build trust. I don’t know if there’s parental settings you can put on the laptop to prevent him connecting to the neighbour’s WiFi for example?

but there’s no point bringing another device into the mix with internet capabilities when you’re already struggling with the current device he has.

Try parenting rather than blaming your neighbour for your inability to parent.

Just get him a digital photo frame (in Black Friday sales everywhere). That will remove one of the excuses. And surely no one is that keen to do schoolwork.

OP, you need to start parenting your child. For your own sake, and for his sake. YOU decide when your 8 your old can go on a device and YOU say no, or take the device away, when it’s enough. Screaming for a device? Even more reason not to give in. This is one of the hardest bits of parenting, but parenting you must. Just giving in or ignoring the problem is not parenting. (No. Your neighbour should not have to change their password!)

This. You need to handle your son it's not your neighbors job.

Why buy an iPad for a child who is heavily addicted to the internet and can't control his response when it is being reasonably limited?

What is it with parents who can't say no, and then wonder why their kid goes off the rails because they've been accessing god knows what and god knows who on the internet.

8 year olds should not have unsupervised unfettered access to the internet.

Bin the device. Go tech free.

Problem solved.

YABU, but your neighbour is also being a bit short-sighted.

I would never, ever let my neighbour (i.e., your DS in this case) have access to my WiFi password. Should they download something illegal or make death threats, the police won't know that this was happening on next door's sofa when they come to break down the door in a 5am raid.

This is why every router lets you set up a "Guest" WiFi network, which you can let people connect to when they come to your house, and you can change the password regularly without it affecting your main devices.

Reverse?

Your responsibility, not neighbour's. The audacity of some people